Stealing Life

As the date moves closer for the launch of the Eat Breathe Thrive series, I'm more aware than ever of being a positive role model for the eating disorder community, but I will tell you that the yoga community is filled with disordered eating and obsessions with health and fitness. I listen to it every day, and it brings back memories of starving and obsessing over every bite. It breaks my heart. I need to figure out how not to be buried by the sadness. When people start talking about their diets and cleanses, my mind shuts down, mainly to protect myself. I can never go on a cleanse, or restrict in any way because for me that will be a descent back into a hell I never want to return to. I posted about my frustrations on facebook, which maybe wasn't the wisest decision, because it upsets people, but then again, I think that eating disorders are often about secrets, silence, and shame. 

My voice is important...

These conversations are important...

Just because I'm leading a series to help people overcome food and body image issues doesn't mean that I'm 100% confidant with my body. There are still many days of struggle and learning to accept the body that I have now, but I know that I don't ever want to go back to the darkness of anorexia. I have some things to figure out, because I'm not perfect, and not everyone is going to like what I have to say. That is a tough one for me, because unfortunately, I do care about what people think. I let it take up way too much space and importance in my life, and that is something I will be working on. 

I am grateful to be here working on it though, 

because I almost allowed an eating disorder to steal my life. 

Eating disorders steal lives. 

Don't let it steal yours.

No Explaination

My heart hurts today, but for some reason, I cannot pinpoint why I'm feeling so sad. I tend to escape when I feel this way, so I took a three hour nap, hoping the melancholy would be gone when I woke up, but, no, it is still hanging on. I find myself taking deep breaths and trying not to cry. It is the beginning of my spring break, the weather is beautiful today, and I should feel fine. There is no explanation for this, but I keep expecting one to come to me. I went and bought some wine, which maybe wasn't a good idea. I know that it is probably not the best way to deal with my feelings. Precisely...I don't deal with my feelings. All that I want is the numb to take over. The eating disorder doesn't always work anymore. Sometimes the feelings still sneak in, taking me by surprise. I see my psychiatrist on Tuesday. Maybe I need a med change or something. I've been taking my medications like I should. I should probably just figure out why I feel the way I do. Actually feel the feelings, and get on with it. Intellectually, I'm really pretty smart. Hey, a compliment to myself. What do you know!!! I am, only I don't put it into practice. This post is full of "shoulds." I'm like a robot going through the motions.
This week at work, a coworker who claims to be psychic, came up to me, gave me a hug, and said that she felt a sadness in me, and that I was closed off from the world. Pretty perceptive, but psychic?...I don't know. I don't like when people see through me though. I like to think that I'm good at the facade that I present on the outside. I think that the best thing to do probably is to acknowledge this sadness, try to have a good cry, and move on.

Caught In The Cage

"I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had."

I talked to my therapist on Wednesday about my sadness, and how low I’ve been feeling. She suggested that maybe I’m grieving the loss of the eating disorder. I had never really thought about that, but it does fit. I’m struggling, and sometimes I’m not even sure that I want to give it up. I purged two times this week. One time was over some fast food that I ate, and the other time I wasn’t even sure why I did it until I talked with my nutritionist. We talked about what had been going on that day, and I told her that I had received a text from my brother that had hurt my feelings. In the text he says that I’m being a coward for not calling my parents sooner to let them know how I was doing. He layed a big guilt trip on me, which I really didn’t need. I’m doing the best I can just to make it through the day, and hearing what a horrible person I am only reinforces my own thoughts and feelings about myself. Anyway…that was one of the days that I purged, but I hadn’t tied it together with the text until I had someone to help me sort through it. I’m trying not to restrict, and to stick with my meal plan, which feels very scary. I think that if I didn’t have so many people who cared about me and were trying to help me, I would be hanging on to this eating disorder for dear life. I feel like I’m letting go without a net below to break the fall. I suppose that I will have to let all of those people catch me as I come crashing to the ground.

Doesn't Play Well With Others

What a crazy work week! I'm really ready for things to settle down in our classroom. We have one student who is really aggressive towards staff and other students. He really needs a different placement, but that probably won't happen anytime soon. He makes the classroom environment very stressful. Last year he worked in a room by himself, and now I can see why. He bites himself, and bangs his head on the walls. He has already put a hole in the wall from one of his tantrums. I worry not only that he is going to hurt himself, but that he will hurt someone else. It is a very unsafe situation. He throws a tantrum when presented with work tasks, and has a problem with transitioning from one activity to the next. He isn't used to being in a classroom setting, so it is difficult for him to participate in group activities. The entire day feels like a battle, and I'm shell shocked by the time it is over. So now the weekend is here, and I'm relaxing and blogging with a glass of wine.

I had my therapy session on Wednesday, and we opened the letter from my dad. He didn't even mention the fact that he had found out that I had been raped. He said that he didn't feel like I was being fair to him. That just pisses me off! When was he ever fair to me and my brother? He never once takes ownership of any of the mistakes that he has made. He finds so many other places to lay the blame. Nothing is ever his fault. Well, it is his fault that I was raped that night. If he had been protecting me the way that a father should have, it never would have happened, but I was only in his way. He said that this would be the last time that he would contact me, and I hope that is true. I'm done, and I don't feel guilty anymore for not letting him back into my life. He is still only sorry for himself, not even caring about the ways in which his actions have hurt others. I feel a sense of relief, mixed with sadness and disappointment. I had hoped for more, but now I can let go and move on. I'm glad that we read the letter. I would have always wondered if I was doing the right thing by cutting him out of my life. Now I know that at this point, I am doing the right thing for me.

No wonder I needed a glass of wine tonight!

The Dark Side Of A Butterfly

I'm having a rough day.

Every time I get my period, it reminds me of the rape, and cleaning up the blood afterwards. It was the first time that I had ever bled like that, and I realize now, that I must have been in shock. I know that many rape victims shower or bathe after the attack, but I remember feeling too terrified to stay in the apartment, so I put on a bathing suit and t-shirt, carried the bloody sheets out to the dumpster, and then I got into the apartment swimming pool and swam back and forth across the length of the pool until I was exhausted. I certainly didn't understand anything that had happened to me. Only that I must have done something horribly wrong, and that no one could ever know about it. Oh, this is still so hard. When will I learn not to take it out on myself.

Everything Hurts Today

People feel that I'm pushing them away, and though I don't mean to, I know that it's true. Distance makes me feel protected in a way that is hard to explain. One of my dear friends has been hurt by this, and I'm sick over it. She wants to get together and talk, and of course I want to repair whatever it is that I've done to make her feel this way. I don't mean to alienate people that I love, it just happens because I don't want them to see my pain. Maybe sharing it makes it feel all the more real somehow. I worry that I'm wearing everyone thin, and that they will tire of wanting to help me. I don't want to seem needy and selfish, and of course that is all that I seem to be.

Everything hurts today.