Thursday, August 20, 2009

The Dark Side Of A Butterfly


I'm having a rough day.
Every time I get my period, it reminds me of the rape, and cleaning up the blood afterwards. It was the first time that I had ever bled like that, and I realize now, that I must have been in shock. I know that many rape victims shower or bathe after the attack, but I remember feeling too terrified to stay in the apartment, so I put on a bathing suit and t-shirt, carried the bloody sheets out to the dumpster, and then I got into the apartment swimming pool and swam back and forth across the length of the pool until I was exhausted. I certainly didn't understand anything that had happened to me. Only that I must have done something horribly wrong, and that no one could ever know about it. Oh, this is still so hard. When will I learn not to take it out on myself.


PinkLady said...

i understand your pain. someone very close to me was a victim of rape and even after 30 years, she never got over the trauma. it just keeps on going back, haunting her like a ghost that won't go away. i guess we can never really fathom the depth of such pain no matter how hard we try. you are blessed to be surrounded by people who continue to love and support you unconditionally. whenever pain hits you, find comfort in their presence.

i have an award for you ANGELA. i hope you'll find the time to visit my blog again.


Susan said...

I hear your pain and struggle, Angela. You can do this.

Anonymous said...

God, I am so sorry that happened to you, and also that you have to always be reminded of it.

I haven't been raped, and I feel guilty that so many people have and I don't understand their pain. But know this: I feel sad for you and I want you to feel better and it sounds corny, but I am so sorry. Really sorry. Like I'm not just saying that, but I really am sorry.

I know I'm rambling, but I wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

PJ said...

i'm sorry that you associate your menses with the terrible thing that happened to you. it must be difficult to have to relive that every month. i wish there was something that i could say that would help. you must believe that what happened to you wasn't your fault and it was the fault of the scum that took advantage of you. it is on him and karma will eventually catch up to him. i am sorry i don't know your whole story, but want you to know that i can sympathize with you as that happened to me also.

try to have a great weekend my friend. much love to you

Angel said...

Thank you all! Doing better today:)

The Struggling Author/Graphic Artist said...

I'm so sorry that you went through that and that you associate your menses with it. Being someone who has went through it myself and one who hasn't dealt with it ompletely, I am glad that I don't have a monthly reminder of it. My only reminder is the fact that I will never have kids of my own.

stigma no more said...

Dear Angela,
I am so sorry for what you endured.
I don't know how to give advice to you on this subject, but for all you have been through I think you have made a lot of progress, so when you have a bad day don't get upset with yourself just let it be what it is. As long as you pick yourself back up, you are a survivor. I love the saying progress, not perfection, Allow yourself to take those two steps forward and when you go back a few have faith in yourself that you will only grow through these experiences. May Angels be around you to support you, Thanks for being so brave to share your story.
Take Care,
Janet :)

Ann said...

Just want you to know that I am here rooting for you and wishing you all the best