People feel that I'm pushing them away, and though I don't mean to, I know that it's true. Distance makes me feel protected in a way that is hard to explain. One of my dear friends has been hurt by this, and I'm sick over it. She wants to get together and talk, and of course I want to repair whatever it is that I've done to make her feel this way. I don't mean to alienate people that I love, it just happens because I don't want them to see my pain. Maybe sharing it makes it feel all the more real somehow. I worry that I'm wearing everyone thin, and that they will tire of wanting to help me. I don't want to seem needy and selfish, and of course that is all that I seem to be.
Everything hurts today.
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9 Comments:
Some times people that care about are willing to share your pain,especially if it helps you.
I'm sorry you are hurting today. I think you are wise to be aware of what this might be doing to the people that you love. They can only take so much and they do not have an endless amount of understanding to give. It's just not humanly possible to sit back and watch someone you love hurting themselves day after day. Everyone has a breaking point. You do. And the people around you do as well. We are all sorry you are hurting today. But there is a reason why interventions were created. Family members reach a point that they cannot sit back and watch the person they love continuing to sabotage and hurt themselves. It's not humanly possible to have that go on forever. Yes, you are wise for tuning into that. Some day those you love will tire of your behavior. Not because they don't love you, but because they do love you, and they will find themselves drowning in your life and not only trying to save you but trying to save themselves as well. I'm sorry you are hurting today.
It's true, sometimes it is easier to not share because then you don't have to face all those problems of life. Of course, it's a total Catch 22 because if you don't share with someone then you keep it all bottled up and at some point will explode. I don't think either is an easy choice since they both have their downsides. I certainly hope tomorrow you don't hurt as much.
Look to your heart Angel and listen quietly for God's answer to your doubts and questions and you will figure this out.
One way or the other, when you are ready or not, your feelings will arise.
I did as you and buried them. It cost me a month in the hospital after a major nervous breakdown.
Now I am in control. I don't repress and most likely bore my friends and family to death with all of my needs, pains and hurts.
But, it's better than the nut house. I can promise you that!
Luv ya'
Jackie:-)
I'm sorry you are hurting.
Sometimes when we are hurting so deeply the way you are, we just don't have the emotional energy to give to others. When we need to reach out for help, it often feels like the most difficult thing to do. Those who love you will understand that your plate is full. But sooner, rather than later, I hope you summon whatever strength you have and reach for help, preferrably professional. It may be much easier to talk to a stranger. You are loading guilt on top of depression, and that is a dangerous concoction. Please---take care of yourself. The time will come when you can help others, but not now.
I wish I had a magic wand and could wave away all of your pain.
Hugs
Jane
Thank you all for your kind words.
Anonymous had some wise words, and you have all given me food for thought. I appreciate your comments:)
Angela,
I have isolated myself to the point of work, and online friends. I have alienated myself a few years ago, and in a way, I feel better than I did when I had friends that didn't understand. I have found more healing from writing, sharing, and meeting people that GET it. I don't miss the rolling of the eyes, or the trivial issues that they think are more important, like why I have to get home early because I have a job, and they don't.
Perhaps as I get older, I will venture back out into the public. But for now.. besides work, home, the grocery store, the bank, I am content. AND at peace with my choice. Even if society isn't.
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