Saturday, February 13, 2010

Caught In The Cage


"I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had."

I talked to my therapist on Wednesday about my sadness, and how low I’ve been feeling. She suggested that maybe I’m grieving the loss of the eating disorder. I had never really thought about that, but it does fit. I’m struggling, and sometimes I’m not even sure that I want to give it up. I purged two times this week. One time was over some fast food that I ate, and the other time I wasn’t even sure why I did it until I talked with my nutritionist. We talked about what had been going on that day, and I told her that I had received a text from my brother that had hurt my feelings. In the text he says that I’m being a coward for not calling my parents sooner to let them know how I was doing. He layed a big guilt trip on me, which I really didn’t need. I’m doing the best I can just to make it through the day, and hearing what a horrible person I am only reinforces my own thoughts and feelings about myself. Anyway…that was one of the days that I purged, but I hadn’t tied it together with the text until I had someone to help me sort through it. I’m trying not to restrict, and to stick with my meal plan, which feels very scary. I think that if I didn’t have so many people who cared about me and were trying to help me, I would be hanging on to this eating disorder for dear life. I feel like I’m letting go without a net below to break the fall. I suppose that I will have to let all of those people catch me as I come crashing to the ground.


Nicole said...

Grieving the loss of your ED is completely understandable. For those who struggle with them, EDs are constant companions and have been with us for years and years. They continually check up on us and direct us, and even though they are awful, deadly coping mechanisms, they are nonetheless what is most familiar to us. I know that sounds incredibly strange, but it's true and it's why we have such a hard time letting go of them.

Don't let your brother trap you in a guilt trip. You are experiencing so many intense emotions right now and if you are not quite ready to talk to your parents about it, then that is perfectly okay. Be patient with yourself and give yourself all the time you need to heal and gather your strength.

You are an amazing, strong, and beautiful peson. I am reaching my hands out for you and I will keep them open for the moment that you are able to let go of your ED. You have so many people who love you. We will not leave you and we won't let you hit the ground <3

All my love <3<3<3

Angela said...

Thanks, Nicole! Letting go is hard. It has been my safe place, and my favorite way to cope for so long. I'm lucky to have so many people on my side, and I know that we will be able to get through this together.
Much love to you<3

Anonymous said...

Why are you blaming your brother for your purging? He is asking you to own what you are doing and to tell your parents. That's the right thing to do. You using him and what he said to you as an excuse to purge is cowardly. It's so easy to blame everyone else.