Caught In The Cage

"I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had."

I talked to my therapist on Wednesday about my sadness, and how low I’ve been feeling. She suggested that maybe I’m grieving the loss of the eating disorder. I had never really thought about that, but it does fit. I’m struggling, and sometimes I’m not even sure that I want to give it up. I purged two times this week. One time was over some fast food that I ate, and the other time I wasn’t even sure why I did it until I talked with my nutritionist. We talked about what had been going on that day, and I told her that I had received a text from my brother that had hurt my feelings. In the text he says that I’m being a coward for not calling my parents sooner to let them know how I was doing. He layed a big guilt trip on me, which I really didn’t need. I’m doing the best I can just to make it through the day, and hearing what a horrible person I am only reinforces my own thoughts and feelings about myself. Anyway…that was one of the days that I purged, but I hadn’t tied it together with the text until I had someone to help me sort through it. I’m trying not to restrict, and to stick with my meal plan, which feels very scary. I think that if I didn’t have so many people who cared about me and were trying to help me, I would be hanging on to this eating disorder for dear life. I feel like I’m letting go without a net below to break the fall. I suppose that I will have to let all of those people catch me as I come crashing to the ground.