Doesn't Play Well With Others

What a crazy work week! I'm really ready for things to settle down in our classroom. We have one student who is really aggressive towards staff and other students. He really needs a different placement, but that probably won't happen anytime soon. He makes the classroom environment very stressful. Last year he worked in a room by himself, and now I can see why. He bites himself, and bangs his head on the walls. He has already put a hole in the wall from one of his tantrums. I worry not only that he is going to hurt himself, but that he will hurt someone else. It is a very unsafe situation. He throws a tantrum when presented with work tasks, and has a problem with transitioning from one activity to the next. He isn't used to being in a classroom setting, so it is difficult for him to participate in group activities. The entire day feels like a battle, and I'm shell shocked by the time it is over. So now the weekend is here, and I'm relaxing and blogging with a glass of wine.

I had my therapy session on Wednesday, and we opened the letter from my dad. He didn't even mention the fact that he had found out that I had been raped. He said that he didn't feel like I was being fair to him. That just pisses me off! When was he ever fair to me and my brother? He never once takes ownership of any of the mistakes that he has made. He finds so many other places to lay the blame. Nothing is ever his fault. Well, it is his fault that I was raped that night. If he had been protecting me the way that a father should have, it never would have happened, but I was only in his way. He said that this would be the last time that he would contact me, and I hope that is true. I'm done, and I don't feel guilty anymore for not letting him back into my life. He is still only sorry for himself, not even caring about the ways in which his actions have hurt others. I feel a sense of relief, mixed with sadness and disappointment. I had hoped for more, but now I can let go and move on. I'm glad that we read the letter. I would have always wondered if I was doing the right thing by cutting him out of my life. Now I know that at this point, I am doing the right thing for me.

No wonder I needed a glass of wine tonight!

Secrets, Guilt, And Shame

I'm struggling with what to write here, but if I could sum it up into three words, it would be: Secrets, Guilt, and Shame. Eating Disorders are all about secrets, shame, and feeling guilty. Guilt for taking care of my body, when deep down, I don't feel that I deserve it. I'm ashamed of the secrets that I still keep to hold on to this eating disorder. There are behaviors that I know I need to completely cease if I am to truly recover. Mainly those are the alcohol, and the purging. The alcohol is not something that I use on a daily basis, but when I do use it, it is usually for the wrong reasons, and it also triggers me to dissociate, which is never a good thing. The purging has become a replacement for the restricting, and I'm headed nowhere good with that, and it too, is very shameful and humiliating to admit.

I had a session with my nutritionist yesterday, and we talked about the purging because I have had a particularly hard time with it this week. I keep telling her how guilty I feel after I eat, and she asked me if there was anything else that made me feel guilty this week, and yes, there was. A friend of mine that I had been in treatment with called, and she wanted to get together for coffee. She called out of the blue, and it took me off guard. She sounded like she really needed to talk, and could use a friend. I wanted to be there for her, but I don't feel like I'm strong enough in my own recovery to help her right now. The last time we saw each other, we were both very sick, and I know that we would compare ourselves physically to how we were then, or at least, I know I would. I'm not ready to put myself through that. I wish that I didn't feel embarrassed over my weight gain, but honestly I do, so there is more shame. I told her that I would call her, but I know I can't, and that makes me feel guilty for not helping someone who is reaching out. I went and purged right after I got off of the phone with her. Talking with her touched a nerve, and I have felt emotional every time I think about it. My nutritionist praised me, calling it "setting boundaries", and "self preservation", but to me, it has just felt weak and cowardly, and I dont feel very good about it. I'm trying to take care of my own needs, but then it feels selfish. I hope that somewhere within myself, I can find a peaceful balance between my own needs, and the needs of others.

"While guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person."~ Merle A. Fossum & Marilyn J. Mason, authors of Facing Shame: Families in Recovery. New York: W.W. Norton & Co. John C. Friel & Linda Friel (1988).

Guilt and Fear

Dave and I just returned from our couples session. It always helps to say things that we are too afraid to say to each other when we are alone. We talked about how we both try to protect one another. I don't want him to know how afraid I am to lose him because I'm scared that it will burden him, and he does the same for me. All that does is fuel the fear though, so we need to learn how to communicate those feelings. We also talked about my recent purging behavior. I feel so much guilt over so many things, especially my suicide attempt. I also feel guilty over the fact that sometimes I still don't want to be here. I'm so full of feelings, and that is where the purging comes in. That empty feeling after purging is such a relief, at least for a little while. I feel so unworthy, and like I am a bad person, and at times those feelings overwhelm me. There is nothing that anyone can say to change those feelings. I know that it is something that I will have to discover within myself. I have to find the strength and courage to feel the fear and free myself.