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Friday, March 20, 2009

Guilt and Fear

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Dave and I just returned from our couples session. It always helps to say things that we are too afraid to say to each other when we are alone. We talked about how we both try to protect one another. I don't want him to know how afraid I am to lose him because I'm scared that it will burden him, and he does the same for me. All that does is fuel the fear though, so we need to learn how to communicate those feelings. We also talked about my recent purging behavior. I feel so much guilt over so many things, especially my suicide attempt. I also feel guilty over the fact that sometimes I still don't want to be here. I'm so full of feelings, and that is where the purging comes in. That empty feeling after purging is such a relief, at least for a little while. I feel so unworthy, and like I am a bad person, and at times those feelings overwhelm me. There is nothing that anyone can say to change those feelings. I know that it is something that I will have to discover within myself. I have to find the strength and courage to feel the fear and free myself.

4 Comments:

Dolly's Diary said...

Hi Angela,
I feel so much for you and your stuggles,I want to suggest a book that helped me alot, it is Eckhart Tolles A New Earth. It gives guideance for our minds to think another way. A way to have peace within ourselves, I hope you give it a read.
Take Care,
Janet :)

PinkLady said...

I agree with Janet. Reading somehow gives us clarity and, as added bonus, we sometimes find our answers in those books. Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth is an excellent suggestion.

You have the strength and the light WITHIN you, Angela.

Much Love,

Bing (",)

Lee said...

dearest angie-
still check in on you from time to time. we really miss you. I would like to suggest that the answer to your peace lies in forgiveness. you have to forgive the little girl who couldn't stop what happened to her. you have to forgive your father, who didn't protect you, but who never wanted you to be hurt and never even knew what happened. even your rapists- maybe they went on to have 11 year old daughters of their own and are haunted by what they did to you. you have to forgive yourself for taking all the anger out on your body. bad things happen to very good people. there is no reason. don't let what happened to you define the rest of your life. you have wonderful gifts and talents. love and forgiveness will set you free.
I love you,
Lee

Angel said...

Hi Lee~
You are right that my peace lies in forgiveness, and I'm really working on that.
I miss you and Syd so much! I will give you a call to catch up.
Much love<3