Tonight I'm feeling a self imposed loneliness that comes from isolating myself too much over the weekend,and it is carrying over into the beginning of this week. I miss all of my family in Florida,and talking on the phone just isn't quite the same. I selfishly want them all to move back to Kansas City! I talked with my mom on Saturday, and it was nice to catch up, and hear her laugh. I've really missed her since she went back home.
I'm trying to figure out why I'm having the need to isolate myself so much lately. It seems like it has been since work started. Last week was our first full week with students, and as much as I love all of the kids, the cacophony of our classroom can wear on me. Maybe it is just taking me awhile to get back into the swing of things, and hiding out is my way of recharging. I feel like this may only be an excuse, though I'm not sure what it would be an excuse for, exactly. I do know that I need to be aware of it so that it doesn't become a habit.
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So is the warrior gone forever?
What is it about this post that makes you think that I've given up the fight?
No one mentioned that you have given up the fight. But your poems have been sad and dark, and your last couple of entries have been as well. You don't see that? Wow. It's never about just one day or just one entry. If you look back through the month of August you have talked about shame, body image, fear, failure, canceling appointments, laxative abuse, Claudia, isolation and anger. That's fine if that's where you want to be. I just wish you were happier and could focus on more positive things to help with your recovery. If you always write about these things then they can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You have to train you mind, body and soul to be happy. It's work but it can be done. It goes back to whatever you put out in the world is what you will get back. If you are only putting out negative, sad, traumatic and fearful messages, than that is what you will always get back.
Yes. Paint on a pretty smile. If I can't say anything nice, then I shouldn't say anything at all.
Isolation is a defense mode we tend to drop into it, a safety net we tend to rely on. I've been there and used it.
The key is knowing you are doing it, and knowing you can free yourself from it. You can, I have faith in you.
I think you should use your voice for anything you are thinking, good or bad, positive or negative. But I think a balance can be healthy and you will benefit from looking at life through the eyes of a survivor and warrior, rather than a victim. You always come across as a victim, and that is not helping anyone. This is your blog and you can do whatever you want. You can use it as a release to let go of negative thoughts and behaviors. Or you can use it as a catalyst to find the good in everything (and it's there) and build a life that is worth living. I would just think after a year of blogging about all of the sadness and darkness in your life that you would want to turn the tables and start looking at life differently. You don't need to fake it, paint on a smile and pretend. The trick is to genuinely want a better life and just do it. The smiles will come naturally once you move out of the dark and into the light.
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