Saturday, December 26, 2015
*I wrote this last week~
It is the first day of winter break, and I had planned on sleeping in, but my mind didn't allow that to happen. I am amazed at not only the amount, but the quick pace of single thoughts that run through my head. They come so rapidly that I can't even keep up, and I recognize that quite often these racing thoughts eventually lead to a panic attack. It is like my brain can only take so much before it short circuits and I figuratively explode. My therapist suspects that my panic attacks are triggered by bottled up anger. I'm not sure, or maybe I don't like to admit that I get angry. I don't feel angry at the moment, but these incessant thoughts cause anxiety.
Writing helps, and so here I am...
I try to distract myself. I have painted my nails, called my brother, dyed my hair. I will go to yoga, I'm having dinner with friends later, and hopefully the thoughts will slow down. I'm happy to have some time away from work, and although I will still be teaching yoga, having space during the day will be good, or at least I think it will be good!
*It has been good~
I am proud of how I am using the tools I have learned throughout the years. I haven't had any panic attacks. Down time can be dangerous for me, but I haven't had much free time. I still taught yoga, and so even when I wasn't actually teaching, I was planning my classes. I taught a Christmas Eve Yin class, and I wanted so much for it to feel special. The best part was that all of my teachers were there to take class, and that meant the world to me. It was a full house. I counted forty eight students, and my husband was counted among them. He is also one of my teachers and greatest supports. I left the studio that morning walking on air, completely filled with joy that I am blessed to be able to share what I love. My boys were all home for Christmas. I baked biscotti with Roman, who helped me roll them into balls, and ice them. I double my Nonni's recipe, so it is a gigantic amount of cookies! We spent Christmas day with Dave's family, and then came home. Dave and I watched Elf, and napped under the electric blanket until bed time. It was perfect! I don't usually teach at all on Saturday's, but my sweet teacher/friend Emily, who also owns the studio, was not feeling well, so I subbed her class this morning. After class, I met one of my dearest friends who was only in town for the day for lunch, and now I'm home again, planning tomorrow's classes. How is this my life? My friend, Jackie reminded me of a couple of years ago when I told her my dream of teaching yoga. She also reminded me that I didn't think it would actually happen. It happened, and dreams really do come true!
My next dream is to figure out how to publish my writing in book form. I have many ideas, but I'm not sure of the direction it will take.
Stay tuned, and always keep dreaming!