Here and Now

*I wrote this last week~   It is the first day of winter break, and I had planned on sleeping in, but my mind didn't allow that to happen. I am amazed at not only the amount, but the quick pace of single thoughts that run through my head. They come so rapidly that I can't even keep up, and I recognize that quite often these racing thoughts eventually lead to a panic attack. It is like my brain can only take so much before it short circuits and I figuratively explode. My therapist suspects that my panic attacks are triggered by bottled up anger. I'm not sure, or maybe I don't like to admit that I get angry. I don't feel angry at the moment, but these incessant thoughts cause anxiety.  Writing helps, and so here I am... I try to distract myself. I have painted my nails, called my brother, dyed my hair. I will go to yoga, I'm having dinner with friends later, and hopefully the thoughts will slow down. I'm happy to have some time away from work, a...

This picture was taken before my mom and I went out for a day of shopping and lunch. We went out and bought pajamas, which we are lounging in as I type this post. We did all of our baking yesterday. I think we are all just enjoying spending the time together. It doesn't really matter what we do. My mom went to my psychiatry appointment with me today. My doctor raised one med, lowered another one, and added a new one. The new one is supposed to help with the racing thoughts, anxiety, and insomnia. I can't seem to shut down my mind, and it especially bothers me at night. I hate that I have to take them, but everytime I try to go off of them, my depression and dissociation come back full force. She also gave me an assignment for the next time I see her. She wants me to write down thirty seconds worth of positive affirmations about myself. It doesn't seem like much, but I honestly am having a difficult time coming up with a list. After I write it all down, she wants me to make ...

I'm feeling lonely. Everyone went to bed, but I'm still wired. I had so much to do when I came home from work, and it has been such a busy day. At school, we are getting a new student after the break, so I was busy getting materials ready for his transition. It is going to be a full classroom with five boys. The new boy sounds like a handful from what I've read about him, but aren't they all at first, until we get to work with them. I love the challenge of my job, but it will be interesting to see how the first week back will be. What am I already worrying about it for anyway? This evening I've been getting the house ready for my parent's arrival, and now that everything is as done as it's going to get, I can't calm down. I'm running on empty, but I can't slow my mind down, and everything feels like a jumble of words running into each other. Oh well, at least I'm not depressed anymore. I'm excited to see my mom and step dad. My mom and I ...

I have been baking all afternoon, and well into the evening. I started with the sweet, and spicey aroma of gingerbread, and ended with my Italian grandmothers delicious anise flavored biscotti. I had help rolling and dipping from my youngest son, Roman. He was a very welcomed helper! Nani's Biscotti 6 eggs 1tsp. vanilla 1C. melted shortening 1C. sugar Mix together Add 7 tsp. baking powder 4C. flour 2T. anise seed Mix well Roll into 1/2 tsp. balls Bake at 350 for 8 minutes and dip into powdered sugar frosting. Enjoy!

I'm bored today. It is too cold to step outside of this house. Luckily, I have all of my Christmas shopping done, so I didn't have to go anywhere. I did a bit of cleaning and some laundry, but other than that, all I have done is huddle over my laptop with a fleece blanket draped over my shoulders, sipping hot green tea and surfing the net. The temperature here is in the low single digits at the moment, and I want to kill my dog everytime she scratches on the backdoor to be let outside. Why didn't we go to Florida for Christmas this year? Oh yeah...we couldn't afford to. Next year, maybe we will just skip gifts, and start saving our money for airfare. I really miss my family! Tomorrow I am going to do some baking, but it won't be the same without my mom. Hopefully I can talk some of the boys into helping me. I plan on baking some gingerbread, and my Nani's biscotti recipe which is flavored with anise and is so yummy with coffee. I will post the recipe and a pictu...

Well, our Christmas tree is decorated, and the stockings have been hung. I should be feeling festive, but I have a sore throat, and I'm losing my voice, so that is putting a damper on my mood. My husband thinks it's good that I'm losing my voice. He's so funny! This day went by really fast, unfortunately. I hate that the weekends just seem to fly by. I have only nine more working days left before my Christmas vacation. I'm off from Dec. 19th-Jan.7th, and I can't wait! We don't have any plans for the holiday's. We are staying in town. I wish my brother and parents were coming to visit or we could visit them, but money is just too tight for everyone this year. Maybe that is why I'm having a hard time getting excited about the holidays. I'm going to miss my family, and especially my mom, because we always have so much fun baking together. Hopefully next year we can all be together. I also started sorting through my poetry today. I'm trying to fi...

Yesterday my mom and I spent the whole afternoon shopping, and we had so much fun! It has been wonderful to spend time together. I isolated myself from everyone before I went in for treatment. It is nice to be able to reconnect, and to feel joy again. My mom bought me some new clothes, and we had a good time trying things on together. It feels great to laugh again. We went to a store called Notions and Potions that has a lot of fairy stuff, and my mom bought me a beautiful fairy figurine. I love it! This morning there was a gentle rain here, and we sat on the back porch, near the burning fire pit and had our breakfast and coffee. Very relaxing! Today we are going to St. Augustines for more shopping, and we will stay to see the Christmas lights in the evening. Hope everyone has a beautiful day:)