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Saturday, December 19, 2009

Silent Treatment

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I'm feeling lonely. Everyone went to bed, but I'm still wired. I had so much to do when I came home from work, and it has been such a busy day. At school, we are getting a new student after the break, so I was busy getting materials ready for his transition. It is going to be a full classroom with five boys. The new boy sounds like a handful from what I've read about him, but aren't they all at first, until we get to work with them. I love the challenge of my job, but it will be interesting to see how the first week back will be. What am I already worrying about it for anyway?
This evening I've been getting the house ready for my parent's arrival, and now that everything is as done as it's going to get, I can't calm down. I'm running on empty, but I can't slow my mind down, and everything feels like a jumble of words running into each other. Oh well, at least I'm not depressed anymore. I'm excited to see my mom and step dad. My mom and I always have so much fun baking, and shopping. It will be a whirlwind until Christmas. In between all of it, I still have therapy, psychiatrist, and nutritionist appointments. I feel like if I miss them, then I may just fall apart. My therapist says that I have trouble needing people. I fear that I need people too much. I fear all of my needs, as if they are too much, and I should apologize for my needs. I told her that I was afraid that I needed her too much, and she always asks me, "What is too much?" I have no answer. I want to disappear into my silence, without bothering anyone too much. Always too much...
We talked about the rape in therapy last week. Dr. G.C. asked me when it was that I first felt angry about it, and I don't think I've felt anger about it yet. I've felt anger towards myself for so long...blaming myself. Isn't that strange? I can't seem to feel anger towards the boys who raped me. She also asked me when I first realized that I felt anger towards my dad. I think that I was around fourteen when I understood that we weren't important to him, and then I felt angry, but I have never had him around long enough to get angry with. I'm not good at showing it anyway. I'm good at the silent treatment when I'm mad, and that is why I cut him out of my life. That was my form of the silent treatment. I guess that when it comes to the rape, I direct that anger also at my dad because he didn't protect me when I was only a little girl. He let something so horrible happen, and it is hard to forgive. I'm trying, but it hurts. I talked with him on the phone for a few minutes tonight. He called again to ask me if I had thought about doing a therapy session with him. I think I will do it if Dr. G.C. will go with me. I'm scared to walk in there alone, but if I can confront him with my anger, I do believe it would help me to heal.

4 Comments:

Wanda's Wings said...

You need to do what is comfortable to you with regards to your dad. I am so happy you are looking forward to your Mother's visit. May it be full of wonderful memories.

Mike Golch said...

Trust the lord for guideance,as I do.

PJ said...

i think that is a very good idea for you to have counseling with your father. it will allow you to tell him your feelings in a safe place with another person to interject if needed. i will continue to hold you in my thoughts and prayers my friend...hugz!

Ann said...

I can relate to the whirlwind of thoughts going through your head and keeping you awake even though the body is ready to sleep. It sounds like you got a lot done though. Now you can relax and enjoy your family and the holidays.