Here and Now

Anjali I offer you my heart over and over simply because I refuse to give up and although lifetimes may pass never to see your face Your heart will live forever within the stardust of my soul Angela Minard 2014© "Om Anjali" by Hannah Natali ~Peruvian mineral pigments on linen

Away I miss you precisely because I can't see you so my imagination plays upon what I do know Butterfly strokes You push the water away palms and feet pressing outward away, away, away Your mind pulses with the thoughts you push away, away, away the loneliness that we share is precisely why I can't see you but I know each breath you take each gasping inhale each grasping exhale Arms open wide like butterfly wings I long for your embrace as you push me far away, away,  away... Angela Minard 2014©

Dedicated to all of the women lost to eating disorders, trauma, and depression.  Lost Girls We will always wait for you arms outstretched fingers reaching wanting, hoping the air pulsating,  throbbing  our hearts heavy Plum, orchid, periwinkle waiting, dripping, bleeding Unable to lift the weight of your head away from your neck Your  chin rests against your heart steady thrumming like a kitten you purr Humming breath your pulse racing ahead of your words Breathe, Breathe, please, breathe Flashes of you ... l aughing, smiling, pleading, crying We are here now  to keep you safe our bodies filled with your voice we will speak...                                             ...

I tell people how I feel, kind of... if I love you, I'm certain that you know it... on the other hand, if you rub me the wrong way, I would never say so.  Positive emotions therefore are expressed, and everything else... yep, I do all kinds of other things with those emotions, and almost always, those things are self destructive in some way or another.  I am apt to take the blame for situations that go awry, whether they are truly my fault or not. It is easier than sticking up for myself or arguing the point, or is it? Lately, I'm doing more sticking up for myself. I speak up more in my job. Hell, I do know what I'm doing! I'm tired of letting people bulldoze over me every chance they get. I can stand up for myself in a way that is respectful, but this approach is lacking in the general population. When I do speak up and express myself, I walk out of work with a much lighter feeling, even if it was difficult and uncomfortable. I learn everyday, better, and mo...

"Don't move the way fear makes you move. Move the way love makes you move. Move the way joy makes you move." ~Osho I have been thinking about fear for most of the day, and it began early this morning when I was practicing yoga with a friend. We were practicing the Ashtanga primary series, and we were in bakasana, also known as crow pose, and my friend floated effortlessly from crow into low plank, which is something I've been working on, but I'm afraid, and the fear doesn't make me move at all. After I read this quote, I tried to practice the transition again, hoping that if I thought loving and joyful thoughts, maybe it would happen, but nope, the fear was still there, and as I hovered in crow, my heart pounding furiously, I stepped one foot back, and then the other, as usual. I attempted three more times before calling it good, but I thought about all of the times in my life that fear had paralyzed me. I have no doubt that I will eventually master this...

Here I reach toward  Emptiness How can you say  Nothing?  I am just beyond your fingertips Close enough to touch How do you manage such silence? I am not convinced Of your indifference Even when  you swallow hope I am still Here Angela Minard 2014© Photography by~ Donata Wenders

I have been teaching a lot of yoga in the past two weeks, and I love it! It brings me such pure joy, and when I walk around the room and see all of the beautiful and varied expressions of a pose, and the ways in which yoga emotionally reaches out and touches the soul, it is an honor to witness. Yesterday my eyes kept wandering over to a woman in the front, but way over to the edge of the studio. Every time I looked at her, she had a sweet smile on her face, so after class I told her that I enjoyed seeing her beautiful smile while I was teaching. She looked puzzled for a moment, and then she said, "I didn't even realize I was smiling!" Another student told me after class that she had never closed her eyes so much during a class. What is amazing and wonderful to me is that I didn't tell anyone to close their eyes, or to smile. They were feeling the yoga in their bodies, and being fully present in the moment. This is exactly why I am so drawn to yoga! I stil...

Angel In My Soul What is this longing that throbs like an aching wound, a festering splinter Thoughts that I cannot leave alone and so I return again and again opening doors my eyes searching everywhere Homesick for a place that I have never been "You are like the angel in my soul." Your words  left unspoken haunt my dreams and still I wish for you...  Wherever you are love... Angela Minard 2014© Photography by~Susan Elizabeth de Witt

Tonight I yelled, slammed a door, and stomped through the house. Suddenly everything feels messy and out of control, and I want to cry, but there is nothing wrong, nothing that I can pin point, and there is nothing that frustrates me more than not understanding my own feelings. This swirling mixture of anger and sadness often rises from nowhere and I'm quickly caught in the vortex of a violent storm brewing within myself, without any warning. Sometimes I think I'm more afraid of my own emotions than anything else in the entire world. I've been through some frightening, traumatic and violent events in my life, and yet what terrifies me the most is losing control of my emotions, as if the anger and sadness that I unleash could go on and on in an unending torrent of tears and screaming rage. I yelled once, slammed one door, and stomped upstairs to the bedroom, which is a small tantrum, and certainly not as dramatic as what I fear. I have proof that I can control my emoti...

Inside I woke up with dirty feet clutching a fairy in my aching hands sharp pain, warm blood only a dream... "Close your eyes," you whisper I want you to take me with you as you ride  because I'm afraid  to close my eyes My heart gallops as I wrap my arms around your waist holding onto your unwavering strength my left ear pressing against your back until all I can hear is inside inside... Angela Minard 2014© Photography by~Jennifer Lawrence

One How do I explain my inconsistencies  to the random observer weaving in and out of my existence  Should I even worry  or bother explaining?  Perhaps not..., although in this lifetime,  worry is second nature to me.  I long for you to see through, and into me... When I look at you,  I see beyond the physical body.  We are all so much more than what we present to the world.  I have gained a great deal of compassion through suffering.  I'm not here to compare your pain to mine.  I  see your sorrow.  I acknowledge your pain.  I  feel your soul... We are one.  Angela Minard 2014 © Photography by~ Cassandra Clare

Knowing I know very well what wakes me in the night what makes me hold my breath what shatters the light closes my heart defeats me Silence I know very well what brings me to life what makes me gasp with delight what breaks through the darkness Lifts my heart Nourishes my soul Love You also know... Allow the "knowing" to be who you are for you have always known You are breath... You are light... You are love... You know very well... Angela Minard 2014© Photography by~ Emma Powell

I have reached a huge recovery milestone, and so today is ending with an overflowing amount of gratitude and joy. I have been seeing a nutritionist for 7 years, and today was my final appointment. I truly do not feel I would be alive right now if it had not been for the dedicated treatment team that I have. After a few sessions with my therapist, she insisted that I also seek the help of a nutritionist, and referred me to the amazing woman who would help to guide me through this recovery journey. I was not always the most compliant client, but ultimately, she found techniques to encourage me in a way that was both firm and kind. I was looking through old blog posts, and it is mind boggling the things I have already "forgotten." There were the years that I ate nothing for days on end, and then the day I finally agreed to go in-patient. There were the days weaning myself from laxative abuse, then being able to work towards eating in front of people and weaning myself aw...