Here and Now

Yesterday I had an appointment with my nutritionist. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting her time and my money when I go. I'm not really the most compliant client. Yesterday's session was productive though. We talked about the voice that I have inside of my head, which she called the "critical parent." These are some of the things that the "critical parent" says to me; "You are a failure if you eat." "You have no willpower." "You are weak." " You haven't accomplished enough to deserve food." The perfectionist in me doesn't want to disobey, so daily I allow myself to be abused. By this point in my life I feel beaten down by this constant critical voice inside of my head. Standing up to the "critical parent" is the difficult part. I have trouble making my own voice heard, so standing up for myself feels like a daunting task. I told my nutritionist that I don't feel sick enough to fully recover. Sh...

"Everything felt fragile and freshly come upon, but for now, at least, my depression had stepped back, giving me room to move forward. I had forgotten what it was like to be without it, and for a moment I floundered, wondering how I would recognize myself. I knew for certain it would return, sneaking up on me when I wasn’t looking, but meanwhile there were bound to be glimpses of light if only I stayed around and held fast to the long perspective. It was a chance that seemed worth taking." ~ Daphne Merkin, “A Journey Through Darkness: My Life with Chronic Depression I know what she means when she says, "For a moment I floundered, wondering how I would recognize myself." I feel like what I'm doing right now is trying to figure out who I will be without the eating disorder, and without this ongoing sadness. On the days when I feel like I'm moving forward, I can't help but worry that everything is going to fall out from under me. I seem to struggle so much...

Unraveling my soul left in tattered shreds lying at my feet A cold breeze blows through my heart I don't remember when I wrote this. I found it in a journal, pages filled with my scattered thoughts. The words bring feelings of grief...someone frozen inside of a numbing pain. I think it was written around the time of my suicide attempt. There are days that I still slide in and out of sinking despair, with strange feelings of dread. It makes me sad that I'm always waiting for the axe to fall, but then there are the days filled with elation and unspeakable joy. The good days are beginning to overshadow the bad, and for that I'm grateful. It's all about holding on and letting go.

You Are... the dream every night your face... your smile... My heart takes flight Unwilling to ever close the door Determined to never say goodbye Hanging on Clinging tight Wandering in the dark reaching out to find you You are the light that shimmers glowing bright Hiding in the shadows protecting my heart the walls slowly crumble with an aching need to finally let you in Angela Minard 2010©

Dave and I had a couples therapy session a few weeks ago, and I'm just now writing about it. For some reason, I intensely dislike going. They make me anxious and uncomfortable. It is both Dave's therapist and my therapist together in the sessions, so I have three people trying to pull my feelings out of me. Good times!When I've been struggling, I have a difficult time with Dave's attempts to comfort me. He is trying, but my first reaction is to shut down and push him away. I feel undeserving of the care, and I'm also afraid that being comforted will bring me to tears. I'm very uncomfortable with crying in front of others, and we did talk about that in the session. I also find it difficult to see other people in tears. Everyone concluded that I see it as a sign of weakness, and maybe I do in myself, but I don't think so when it comes to others. I like to think that I'm compassionate and without judgment. I'm definitely harder on myself when it comes t...

‎ "Monsters are real, ghosts are real too. They live inside of us, and sometimes, they win." ~Stephen King I don't want the monsters and ghosts to win, but sometimes in the middle of the night, and even in the daylight, they do. I know that the only one who can make them go away is me. I'm the one that lets them take hold. I'm the one that gives them the power. They are the ghosts of the past and the monsters that hurt me, haunting my dreams. I think that if it wasn't for the nightmares, maybe I could begin to let it go, but the terror awakens me and hangs like a shadow over my day. There is no other way to describe it but as an overwhelming sadness that I carry with me. There is no amount of anti-depressant that can make it go away, and maybe that is just it. It will always be a part of me. When does the pain recede? I blame myself because it is me who is hanging on to it. Why can I not seem to be able to control my dreams?

We had a really bad storm rip through Kansas last night, with high winds, strong rain, and lightening. We lost our two Bradford Pear trees, and it just makes me sick to look out into my front yard right now. Luckily there was only minimal damage done to the house, and no one was hurt. Our neighbors were great, and as soon as the storm passed, we had a crowd wanting to help, chainsaws and all! I'm posting a couple of pics. There is never a dull moment around here!

Star Wings Glimpses of you sleeping, your arm thrown protectively over my body. Feeling smothered but afraid to move, afraid to lose in this war. In the light there was no fight we could not win. Only you, always there. The fear sent me deep inside of your soul where I could hide. Slipping from beneath you, raising your arm I finally creep to my bed, ready to breathe on my own. Angela Minard 2010© I wrote this poem about my mom. It was after the rape, and I would climb into her bed where I felt safe and protected. She didn't know about the trauma, but being home, and away from my dad felt comforting after such an ordeal. I knew that I also needed to cope on my own with such a horrible secret, and that is what I did. I had to breathe on my own.

I'm on my way back home to Kansas tomorrow morning, and leaving is bittersweet. I've had such a nice time with my family, and it is hard for me to be away from them. We were so close for a long time, and my mom and I practically grew up together. Through the divorce, we went through a lot, and she taught me what it meant to have strength. I miss Dave and the boys though, and I will be happy to get back to them. Tonight I went to a Japanese restaurant for dinner, and then I called Dave when I got home, and they were having Bagel Bites, so I did feel a bit guilty. Not too much though! I have been pampered and well taken care of here. It has been nice. I've been anxious because I haven't been able to walk on the treadmill while I've been here, but I know it is good to have a break, and not to be so hard core and obsessive about it. That is what I keep telling myself! I feel like I've gained weight since I've been here, but I'm sure that's all in my head...

Here I am in sunny Florida, and it is beautiful. It is my first day here, and mom and I have been shopping, to the grocery store, and just finished making up some salads. We always have fun in the kitchen together. Of course, we talk like crazy about anything and everything. I'm looking forward to hanging by the pool the rest of this week, working on my tan, and enjoying my family. My parents have three cats, and I love cats. Unfortunately, I've always been highly allergic. I brought my inhalers and everything, but haven't had to use them so far, which is good. Now maybe I can talk my husband into a cat:) There is not much else going on in my life right now. No drama. Everything is calm, and I'm enjoying the summer. I haven't done much cleaning to my house like I was going to do. Maybe when I get home I will find some motivation. We'll see... Anyway, that is all for now. Hope everyone enjoys the weekend. I know I will!