Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Couples Therapy


Dave and I had a couples therapy session a few weeks ago, and I'm just now writing about it. For some reason, I intensely dislike going. They make me anxious and uncomfortable. It is both Dave's therapist and my therapist together in the sessions, so I have three people trying to pull my feelings out of me. Good times!When I've been struggling, I have a difficult time with Dave's attempts to comfort me. He is trying, but my first reaction is to shut down and push him away. I feel undeserving of the care, and I'm also afraid that being comforted will bring me to tears. I'm very uncomfortable with crying in front of others, and we did talk about that in the session. I also find it difficult to see other people in tears. Everyone concluded that I see it as a sign of weakness, and maybe I do in myself, but I don't think so when it comes to others. I like to think that I'm compassionate and without judgment. I'm definitely harder on myself when it comes to showing my emotions.
We also talked a lot about our parent/child relationship, and how to move beyond it. Being aware is half the battle. I have to work on not asking permission for everything, and also not being a rebellious child when confronted with issues. Most of the issues revolve around the fact that I refuse to stop drinking. I guess that does sound rebellious, but I'm really making an effort by not attempting to hide it from anyone when I do drink. Dave is working on treating me like more of an equal, and he is also working on his anger issues. He tends to bark and yell out orders. I try to remind him to use a gentler tone of voice, and he has been better about it.
Marriage is always a work in progress, and nothing stays static. People change for the better, and sometimes for the worse, but I guess that is why the vows say for better or worse:)


Ann said...

Marriage is definitely a lot of work, I wonder how some people manage to make it look so easy :)

Paula said...

I am engaged to my partner of 6 years of which he was drinking 3 years. NO therapist, not love, nothing made him stop drinking till he wanted it. Till he was ready... That is common knowledge and I have a hard time to udnerstand that 2 therapist try to get something out of you which you need to decide for yourself. I think it is great that you dont hide drinking. My partner wanted couple therapy while he was drinking and after 3 sessions the therapist made clear that without him stopping drinking and getting truly sober it would be a waste of money... I loved this clear words and about half a year he stoppeed.
NOW: I throw tantrums very often yet lately since I am able to accept and slowly love my inner child, I have become better. It helps so much and I have matured quite a bit.
By now my partner is in therapy himself, I am still in Germany doing mine there till I move over im November.
Married or not it takes a lot of effort.
Love is not enough, it takes serious input and often therapy, yet I feel it is worthwhile for me.
Not sure whether my rambling is of any help to you. Mill of hugs

Lily said...

I completely understand the crying thing. I didn't cry (except under extreme circumstances) with my t until about a year into therapy. Now that we are encroaching on 2 years, I cry at the drop of a hat! I still shield myself from others, but it's all about trust with me. I don't mind feeling weak if you don't treat me that way.

As for the choice to quit drinking.. it has to be your choice. I'm grappling with my situation of having to quit something (self-injury behaviors) because I will lose my relationship with my t if I continue. It's hard to be pushed into something...