Here and Now

Full Slipping between shadow and light lucid dreams cool sheets warm pillows sun seeping between cracks in the blinds bouncing from floorboard to ceiling your breath so soft   I sigh... overflowing we swallow tears and rise wading in a river of sparkling stars between our toes cool moss thick winds blow short lived stormy summer skies swollen clouds swollen eyes swollen hearts we are full Angela Minard 2015© "Change comes like a little wind that ruffles the curtains at dawn, and it comes like the stealthy perfume of wildflowers hidden in the grass." ~John Steinbeck

21 years ago today, I was a nervous bride and a mother to be. It was both a frightening and exciting time in my life. I remember it like it was yesterday. I'm blessed to have married my very best friend in the whole world. We have gone through having a child on the autism spectrum, battling a brain tumor, and all of my many issues. This year we have worked so hard on communicating in more productive ways, and we have grown closer than ever. I've struggled with equating loving with also losing, and because of that, I kept a barrier between us. I'm breaking down those walls, and letting him inside. I'm honored to be sharing this journey with him.

Dave and I had a couples therapy session a few weeks ago, and I'm just now writing about it. For some reason, I intensely dislike going. They make me anxious and uncomfortable. It is both Dave's therapist and my therapist together in the sessions, so I have three people trying to pull my feelings out of me. Good times!When I've been struggling, I have a difficult time with Dave's attempts to comfort me. He is trying, but my first reaction is to shut down and push him away. I feel undeserving of the care, and I'm also afraid that being comforted will bring me to tears. I'm very uncomfortable with crying in front of others, and we did talk about that in the session. I also find it difficult to see other people in tears. Everyone concluded that I see it as a sign of weakness, and maybe I do in myself, but I don't think so when it comes to others. I like to think that I'm compassionate and without judgment. I'm definitely harder on myself when it comes t...

The Wish The sun feels warm behind my back and the wind gently lifts my hair like a kiss blown softly on my neck. I'm wishing for you as I smell the wild tobacco and the damp earth of dawn that rises into the mist of morning. Hoping for days upon days linked together until the past is only a laugh and a smile shared between lovers united like sturdy vines forever entwined. Yes, I'm wishing for you... Angela Minard 2009©

Dave and I have a couples therapy session this morning, and here I am in the early morning hours, trying to form full thoughts, and piece together in my mind exactly what it is that I want to say when I get in there. I so often feel like our relationship is that of parent/child, not husband/wife, and trying to figure out all of the reasons why I feel that way. Maybe it is the lack of freedom that I feel. Having to account for every single thing that I do, where I go, every penny that I spend, how I spend and manage my time. Having to give reasons for all of that, and feeling like those reasons are never good enough. Dave has said that I am not who he married, and I wonder what it is that he misses. He fears that he is losing me, just when I have finally found me. None of this probably makes any sense, but I have faith that we will find our way, and really, that is all that matters. Maybe it is in this process of growth and change that I feel the need to fight for freedom.

Last night I wrote a blog entry for only my husband to read. I have pushed him away, trying to put distance between us. I think it is my way of protecting myself if he were to give up on me. Who could blame him if he did? I was afraid to tell him that I need an in-patient treatment program. I feel like such a failure, and I'm ashamed of what he must see when he looks at me. He is everything. My whole world is in his eyes, and I'm slowly destroying everything we have. I wanted to explain how much I want my life back and how it feels like now or never for me. I know that he reads my blog, so all day I was sick with worry, fearing his disappointment in me, but when I came home he put his arms around me and told me to never doubt his love and commitment. He wants me to do whatever it takes to get well, so I'm going to call Renfrew for an intake interview, and get some more information on what I need to do to be admitted. I have so much to think about, and yet I'm afraid to ...

Only a breath away, darkness blankets your quiet heart Hands tremble to awaken your soul Awaiting the light of day to open sleeping eyes Lazy smile We once again begin Angela Minard 2007