Here and Now

"I've come to the conclusion that I would rather stop failing at recovery, and just be who I am. I'm tired of fighting the eating disorder." I said these words to my nutritionist this week, and was surprised at how much I meant them. I want to apologize for the selfishness, and for giving up. I'm sorry. I know I let people down, and maybe I will change my mind. The constant resistance and pushing away the eating disorder is wearing me out. I'm angry at my therapist because I think the assessment forms that she had me fill out sent me over the edge. I know that she wanted to make me honestly look at myself, but all that it did was overwhelm me. If I can let go of the failure, maybe I can live a happy life the way I am, and maybe it won't be such an obsession anymore. When you try so hard to give something up, have you noticed that it is all you can think about? Anyway...that is all for now. It took me all day to figure out how to write this post because I n...

I keep trying to write. I come, and then I leave again...

Even the plastered on smile that I usually wear falters during these grey winter days, and I find myself moving as if I were in a foggy dream. I often feel like I'm a voyeur in my own life...an audience of one. My therapist calls this depersonalization, or when you feel like you are watching yourself going through the day to day motions without feeling a connection to yourself. She also says that rape survivors will report that they did this during their attack, and that is definitely what I did. It is an effective way to not feel, and I tend to pull out all of my tricks. One night last week, I woke up and thought that someone was in our bedroom, and instead of waking up my husband, I lay there in a frozen state, unable to move or make a sound, watching from somewhere outside of myself. I felt stupid once I realized it was my imagination, but I also realized that my shame about the rape comes from the fact that in my fear, I was rendered powerless, and that somehow in my mind, I le...

I have this compulsion to write down everything I eat, and when I told my therapist, she said to go ahead if that is what I felt I should do. I didn't expect that response at all! I haven't had some of these thoughts in a long time, and they scare me, but she said that it is good to be scared. I already know this. I'm only scared that I will make the choice not to stop. It never feels like a choice, although I hear that it is. I told Dave today that I believe I'm fat...sorry to use that word, but anyway, he doesn't agree. How can I believe, when I know he would never hurt my feelings by telling me that I am. He can't win...no one can. As early as twelve years old, I was asking my brother the same question. Poor kid! It is also the age at which I started dieting and worrying about food and my body. It makes sense because it was right after being raped that the hatred toward my body began. This has been going on for such a long time, so it feels overwhelming to tr...

A Fairytale Write me a letter with your loopy, round words scrawled in black ink Forever Tell me a story whispered in the darkness until sleep takes me away Oh, let's run! Yes, take me far Promise the sky Trace the constellations above our heads explain about the stars Make a wish... a lovely wish... Teach me to believe Angela Minard 2011©

Always A Smile Such a pretty package on the outside wrapped up tight in ribbons There is always a smile for you You say it's all better, and look how far but the inside still feels so dark An empty, hollow place where the laughter echoes within the emptiness of this cage There is always a smile for you You say you're fine, and doing alright but the inside tells another story Drowning in whispers, hiding the tears Rip open the paper, untie the bow underneath the scars will show You say it will all be okay, and you have to believe There is always a smile for you Angela Minard 2011©

It has been a very busy week, not counting the two snow days that we had, and I'm thankful for Friday, and a long weekend. My therapy and nutritionist sessions were especially difficult this week, and left me feeling emotionally drained. My therapist is doing a new patient portal on the internet, and she had me go there to fill out some forms. Two of the forms were assessments of eating disordered behavior. It asked questions like what has been your highest and lowest weight, how often do you restrict, do you count calories, etc... I was frustrated as I was filling them out, because my therapist knows most of the information, and it was really causing me a lot of anxiety, although I couldn't really pinpoint why at the time. I wanted to call my therapist because for some reason I was feeling angry about having to complete those forms, but she leaves early on Thursday, and doesn't work on Friday. I went in to see my nutritionist Thursday night, and the first thing she said wa...

It is a glorious snow day! I was so excited when I found out at 5:30 a.m., that I couldn't go back to bed. I love unexpected, happy surprises:) #3 son was awake downstairs when I found out. We both did a little dance and high fived each other. Since then I've been drinking coffee, knitting, and listening to music, with the entire day stretched out before me. I wrote this poem this morning to celebrate the day. A Celebration Of Snow The world is still... pristine... oh, so white, and the snowfall seems to swallow every sound. There is such peace in the blanket of silence. Everything feels like it is moving in slow motion, and even my thoughts are sweet and calm. The bright flame of a cardinal is perched on a snow covered branch, bringing hope. Angela Minard 2011©

For some reason, I keep on asking myself, "What would make me feel better?" There has to be something. Let me rephrase that... "What would make me feel better about myself." I'm uncomfortable in my body, hating myself and how I feel. Last night I went out with a friend, and we talked and shared an appetizer. It is good for me to get out, but all I did when I got home was beat myself up over the food. I almost said no when she asked if I wanted to get together for exactly that reason, but I do not want this eating disorder to rule my life. I need to stay connected to people, but when I feel this way inside, I want to hide away, afraid that others will see on the outside what I feel like on the inside. I'm fighting, but why don't I feel better? Maybe that is my frustration. I saw my nutritionist Thursday night, and she pointed out that when I feel so much self hatred, I'm usually stuffing down a lot of anger. She is probably right. I feel as if I...

I've been feeling claustrophobic for the past couple of days. I know that must sound strange, but it is as if I'm trapped inside of myself, and I would like nothing more than to get away. I want to stay present, but there is the pull of wanting some way to numb myself. I promised my therapist that I would not drink at all this month because January is such a hard month for me. I do think it is better if I stay away from alcohol while I'm struggling and feeling the way I do. I'm back to work now, and I needed to get back to my routine, but the time off was much needed. I don't do as well with food when I'm working though. I didn't have much to eat yesterday, and I also skipped dinner. My thoughts were racing around in my head, I felt overwhelmed, and eating seemed like one more thing to make me anxious about. I know that is my #1 way to numb myself. I wish it didn't work so well. My therapist says that I too easily take on the problems of others, on top o...

It Was Only A Song I gave poems and you gave songs the words crossing between us written inside of my heart I should stop listening to the music holding on to nothing You should have never tried to make me laugh or given me a reason to rise as spring drew near The lyrics said you worried about losing me and I was naive... believing in some sort of forever only in our minds... a lovely fantasy dying with the summer winds that swept you away Angela Minard 2011©

The Hours Of Now Sleepless nights spent wide eyed and weary with worry over what is to come What is to become of me? and what came before the hours of now? Wishing to take back words or wanting to say more... give more... be more... Waiting to see the first bright star before scarlet takes the sky my mind wandering between here and now the past and forever What is unseen and unknown haunts me almost as much as what is remembered Dreamless with the dawn that shimmers on the icy branches afraid of the cold, grey darkness yet to come Winter grips my soul, a slow and steady death wanting to steal the years like a child who runs from the shadows in a frenzy to find home Angela Minard 2011©

I want to wish everyone who comes to visit me here a Happy New Year! 2010 seemed to fly by, and I definitely had my ups and downs. Last January I was in a very dark place, and spent a week in the hospital. It was my second January in a row that I ended up in the hospital. I'm determined not to go there this year, but I said that last year too. I don't know what it is that gets me so down. The last few days of December were hard due to some family issues that I can't really talk about here. It has made me very sad and filled with worry, and it is also one more thing that I blame myself for. I'm trying not to take it on myself because I know that it doesn't help. To quote Sarah McLachlan, "There is always some reason to not feel good enough." I work on being positive, but it seems there is always something that comes along to knock you down. I have to believe that all I have gone through will make me stronger. I do feel like we will be able to handle this a...