Here and Now

The last time I went to try on clothes, afterwards, I decided to take my own life. A bit drastic, but nevertheless, that is what happened. Anorexia, weight gain, and mirrors do not play well together nicely. That incident was back in January when I desperately needed new clothes to fit my new body. It is now the end of May, and I still have avoided going shopping for new clothes. That is until yesterday afternoon, when my mom came into town from Florida. She was insistent, and I was plain terrified. One of the mistakes that I had made last time, was going alone, but I also didn't want anyone else to see. To see what? My pain, my failure, the sizes that I would have to buy. My reflection in that dressing room to me, was like looking into a fun house mirror, and all that I could feel was shame, horror, and disgust. I cannot even begin to describe the panic that I felt. I knew that I would have to have someone with me to ground me, and that was what my mom did. She was all business, n...

Yesterdays therapy session was really hard. The memories are hard to say out loud...and it hurt so bad. I cried all the way out of the office, all the way to my nutritionist session, all the way through the session, and then all the way home. I talked to my therapist this morning, and she said it sounds like I am grieving, and she is right. I have lost innocence to grieve over. Therapy and the whole relationship with my therapist is hard for me right now. It is a confusing relationship, and everytime that I think of it being over, I end up in tears. In fact it seems that I end up in tears about most everything lately. Although I know that I still have more work to do, I still really struggle with the whole patient-therapist relationship. She is like a second mother to me. She was the one that I e-mailed when I tried to kill myself. She is the one that I tell all of my secrets to. I trust her with everything that I am. She says that she will never go away, but how can that be true? Some...

Did I ever tell you that I was raped by two guys when I was eleven years old? See...it does get easier to say, but never easier to actually know, and feel. It is strange how the memories always come when I least expect them to. I will be having a perfectly fine day, and then WHAM, absolutely blindsided with the pain. Doing laundry, brushing my teeth, cooking dinner, and from out of nowhere it plays like a movie, or flashes like a photograph, and I am trapped once again. I think that it always surprises me that it doesn't go away. That they do not go away, and that my mind always has a way of making me remember. Now I have days of freedom, and I hope that those days will grow into weeks, months, years. I know that I will never forget, but I long for the memories to become cohesive, not bits and pieces that continue to creep out of the shadows of my mind. Yesterday was particularly hard, and I finally just lay down in a chair and fell asleep to escape. Dave asked me how I was a few t...

I wrote this poem after a really difficult day. I think that sometimes the eating disorder talks me into believeing that the smaller I become, the less pain and hurt I will feel. I have to remember that although engaging in ED behaviors does numb my emotions, it also numbs the good feelings, and I do not want to go back to that. The Scale Weighing the choices in each hand always weighing... always measuring... I taste the hunger rancid on my tongue. A bitter longing to return to the gnawing emptiness that throbs behind my eyes. Believing that the pain will disappear if I disappear Angela Minard 2009©

Ahhhh, I'm really struggling today. I look at pictures of myself now, and I look so fat compared to old pictures of myself, and I like the old pictures better. Such shallow thoughts...but still it is hard, and I can't stop crying right now. My therapist asked me some questions the other day when I told her that I was feeling fat and hating my body. She asked me if I was happy, and I said yes. She asked me if I thought I was a better wife and mother now, and I said yes. Then she said, " Maybe that is worth feeling fat sometimes." I'm not happy at this moment, and I just have to believe that it will pass, and that I will learn to accept who and where I am now. At this moment, I'm on the all yogurt diet, until I can lose some weight. I know that is my eating disorder talking, but I feel as if I have to have some control, and for now, it is making me feel better. For now, I just want to feel better. Maybe I will make an emergency call to my nutritionist, and she c...

Well, the last day of school has finally arrived, and I'm so excited about my summer off that I can barely contain myself! This past week has been so busy for me. We made it through Christian's graduation, but just barely. It was a frustrating evening. He had a girlfriend over that afternoon, and he took her home and then didn't arrive back until a half hour before he was supposed to be at the school. He got ready, and we were so rushed that we couldn't take pictures before we left. We drove all the way to the school and then Christian realized that he didn't have his gown, so we had to drive all the way back home to get it. Dave and I were about ready to kill him! We made it through though, and now he is officially a high school graduate. He still has a lot of growing up to do. I'm glad that he isn't going away to college yet, because I know that he just isn't ready for that. All this week, my friend Jackie has been here visiting from Florida. She drove...

I can't believe that I only have one more week until school is out and I can begin my summer vacation. I'm so ready! Yesterday was a really horrible day at work. I had to restrain an aggressive student, and then in the afternoon, during the pre-schoolers field day, I was chasing a student who darted off, fell on the concrete, and scraped my hand and knee and sprained my ankle. I was really hurting this morning, but my day so far has been much better. I'm just taking lots of ibuprofen! This is a big weekend around here. My oldest son, Christian is graduating from high school on Sunday. I can't believe that the time for this is actually here. It just blows my mind! Saturday we are having an open house for him, with mostly family, and some of his friends. I think that I have mentioned here before that he is going to the local community college, so he will still be living with us probably for a couple more years, which is fine by me. It just seems too soon to have to be say...

Words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup They slither while they pass They slip away across the universe Pools of sorrow waves of joy are drifting thorough my open mind Possessing and caressing me The Beatles I'm not sure why it is that I cry everyday lately. I didn't even cry this much when I was sad and depressed. Amidst the smiles and laughter, the tears come with no warning, and feelings that I can't even name wash over me. I feel good, and that feels strange and uncomfortable at times. I feel as if I'm residing in a foreign place, and that I could get lost at any moment. Maybe we are meant to feel both joy and sorrow at the same time. I've never been more aware of the life that was stolen from me, but also all of the many gifts and blessings that I have been given. Everything about this whole process of recovery is bittersweet, and it is a bit frightening to realize that I have finally run out of places to hide. What is even more amazing to me is...

More than once this weekend, I have found myself dancing around in my kitchen, absolutely filled with joy. I'm not even sure why, and I suppose that is the best part. I have no reasons. I just feel at peace with where I am at the moment. I'm making good choices and decisions, and that really hasn't happened in my life for a very long time. I'm not afraid to go to sleep at night because I fear what the next day will bring. I'm looking forward to the warmth of summer, the sunshine, and spending time with my family. I feel as if I can reach out and touch the changes in my life, and for once, not feel anxiety, apprehension, and worry over what may happen. My oldest son will be graduating from high school in less than two weeks, and I am shocked and amazed at how fast his childhood flew by me. It is going to be an emotional time, but he is going to go to the community college nearby, so it won't be quite as traumatic as him actually moving away. I have some more time...

Jessieh's Face I see the picture of you sitting on the bus, and it is strange... I've never met you, and yet... I know that face as well as I know my own. The distant look in your eyes and only we know where we are and where we have been. The straight line of a mouth chin close to quivering and the freckles that dance along the bridge of your nose. Only we know too well how to distance ourselves from the pain to find another self to be like slipping into a new dress a new soul. I can hear your voice. I can feel your hand in mine when all of us are afraid. When we run from the core of who we are. Don't run too far. Angela Minard 2009©