Here and Now

Wanting The physical pain comes first before memory before wanting searing flame consuming all image imagined... When it hurts  inside now  wanting  you before you pain  without  want This wanting is a different ache throbbing from the same place Why is the womb filled with rot?  Do you ever wonder or simply believe  what you  are told?  "You smell  like the filth that you are." Could you please wrap your arms around me even with this stench? Shame is asking Shame is  telling Shame is Still  Here Wanting... Angela Minard 2016© Artwork from randiclark.com

Scene of the Crime I am bleeding dank, putrid carnage the rich color of soil that I have nurtured I imagined returning to this place erasing my fingerprints setting the building on fire witnessing the devastation  from afar as if I was the criminal There are signs everywhere and this journey is no different The highway sign an unexpected reminder Throbbing warmth  pooling suddenly I shove both hands between my thighs trying to tell you Pull over to the side of the road but instead,  voice lost I hold my breath waiting for the pain to recede I can smell them... rotten, burning flesh the stench of shame Touching thumb to pinkie finger ring finger middle finger pointer... I am here I am here I am here I am not the criminal I look into your eyes not asking you to turn away no longer a child r...

We Learned To Run When I cannot hold on to what is real and the memories trapped inside of my body scream rising to the surface   struggling to stay present  It hurts  and I want to run... We learned to run.   Wavering between the intense ache of my broken heart anger at my inability to tough it out  and finally succumbing to complete numbness  I want to apologize to her for all of the times I give up We            are                      both                                  weary

Art by Margareta Jungerth Boo I don't know if I talked here much about body memories, but I have them, and they are even difficult for me to understand. Researchers have noted that a trauma is stored in somatic memory and expressed as changes in the biological stress response. This means that sexual abuse is a traumatic experience and that the memory of it can be stored in your physical body. I experience body memories with pelvic pain, and painful jaws from oral intercourse. I will often awaken from a nightmare physically feeling as if the abuse has just occured. This comes out everyday with jaw clenching, chewing the insides of my mouth, and uncontrolled tightening of my pelvic muscles, as if I'm waiting for the assault. It took me a long time to talk about this. I felt as if I was crazy, but when I brought it up to my trauma therapist, he was so understanding, and he explained that the pain is real. This has been one of the most difficult parts of my recovery. On top of t...

I'm really surprised at how well I'm doing with food right now. I'm not sure what triggered this turn around, but I'm trying not to question it, and just go with it. I ate dinner last night, and I struggled with how I felt afterwards, but the feeling passed eventually. I have irrational thoughts, but I voiced the thought I was having to my husband, and he said, "Is that you talking, or the eating disorder?" That helped me to realize that my mind wasn't in the right place, and that I couldn't have possibly grown bigger in the short amount of time that it had taken me to eat dinner. I know that sounds crazy, but it is seriously what I thought! Feeling full scares me, but feeling hungry also scares me. When I'm hungry, I'm afraid that when I do eat, I will eat too much, and when I'm full, I'm afraid that I've eaten too much, and I'm going to gain weight. I know that this is a process, and that if I continue to consistently eat, the...

My youngest son, Roman, broke his arm this week at basketball practice. He fell on it, so his season has ended prematurely:(. He doesn't seem too down about it though, so that is good. He is a happy-go-lucky kid, and makes me smile daily. His sense of humor is contagious, and he definitely has a zest for living, which also means that he plays hard. This is his second broken bone in less than two years! Having four boys means that life around here is never dull. This week seemed to fly by, which is a good thing. I'm so ready for this school year to be over, so that I can get to summer. I'm really looking forward to the break. Work went fairly well this week though. I have seen so much improvement in the student that I work with in the morning, and that always makes me feel good. I love the kids, but the adults...not so much. I had good therapy sessions this week, and we have decided to focus mainly on my body image, which is beyond horrible. We talked through and dissected ...