Here and Now

Artwork by Ivan Slavinsky Nothing Often I find my fingers traveling over the length of my body checking for what is missing instead finding flesh from the curving waist to swelling hips All of the hollows filled in The lost, empty ache of hunger no longer wandering through rooms barefoot and shivering gorging dreams on hands and knees filling the cavernous hole of want Tortured by a voice I cannot seem to escape invading my mind, even now to look the haunted eyes replaced the ghost of who I was still lingers Knowing I can always go back disappearing slowly measuring each shallow breath each racing beat of my heart until there is nothing left to hurt nothing left to feel Nothing Angela Minard 2012©

I'm up early after a night of tossing and turning, my mind spinning around like a top. Work has been good, but I have new kids, and trying to figure them out keeps my head busy. It is difficult those first few weeks, as you get to know the child. Yesterday I felt like I absolutely did not know what I was doing, just flying by the seat of my pants and trying to anticipate what would come next. Exhilarating and exhausting at the same time.  I am feeling more like myself this week, and I'm sure that settling back into a routine helps. Work does tend to throw my meals off, and I know I've skipped too many lately. I should pack a lunch, but for some reason making myself do it has been a problem. When I get in a pattern of not eating, the fear of eating gets stronger, and I tell myself that I don't really need a lunch. What I've been doing during my lunch break is checking my e-mail and wasting time on the computer for half an hour, and then jumping in my car and hea...

A Winter Reminder When the limbs are bare; lost gold free from fire against an autumn sky Sinking into the depths of winter falling through darkness The trees reach out silhouetted grasping for light The starlings perch on brittle branches haunting the milky white horizon Peering past the glass warm breath fogging the frosty windows bones aching from the endless cold Days pass slowly long black nights frozen in mid air only the wind moves breaking open the silence Waiting the sun a pale, glowing orb there is nothing left but the passing of time.  the rhythmic pulsing of blood a reminder of being alive Angela Minard 2012©

Artwork by~Alexandra Gallagher; Digital Collage, 2012, New Media Art "Owl" Learning I never learned to type or read a map The backward roads of my mind the compass of my heart lost I never learned to read the notes singing by ear memorizing each song the first time the music floating through my soul I never learned to add without my fingers the nonsensical numbers the teachers fist pounding on the desk angry and frustrated I would sit in the hall trying not to cry My mother says that I learned to read by the time I was four lost in each book escaping from my stupidity I could stand on the stage pouring from my mouth capturing their eyes the first time I felt good enough auditioning with my head held high I never learned to believe I was pretty sometimes staring at myself in the mirror distorting my features avoiding my gaze He tells me all of the time the beauty is within I catch him looking at me my body ho...

Artwork~ Kesin (Incarnate) by Zoe McIver-Underwood Fragments Of A Dream Lost inside the fragments of a dream the poem in your head that you no longer remember the familiar face that changes looking into the eyes of a stranger As the hands of the clock turn from minutes to hours trying to hold on Wanting to find your way back to sleep continuing the story the captured beauty of a kiss that no longer lingers Who you were and who you are separate and the same undefined The swollen passion aching in your chest slipping through your fingers until there is nothing left but the fragments of a dream Angela Minard 2012©

Today in yoga, one of the affirmations that the instructor had us repeat was, "Claim your own sexuality." I took a shaky breath after saying this, and was struck by how powerful those words were, and what they mean to my healing. What was stolen from me was out of my control, but now being able to own my sexuality and taking back the power to do whatever I want with my body , and also being able to say no or stop, or slow down is...I don't even know if I have words to describe the feeling. In class I often tell myself in my head to honor my body, to accept, and to try not to push it to do things that it is not ready for. Right now I'm struggling with standing balancing poses, and often get frustrated with the negative thoughts that run through my mind. Why is the balance difficult, and how am I standing in my own way? Part of it is judging myself, and worrying that other people will not think that I'm good enough. I say to myself, "This is easy, why can...

It Is The exaggerated stories swarms of birds in the walnut trees it is the touch that doesn't quite connect to the soul The bees take over the nectar buzzing with want it is a knock at the door The music too loud to hear Waiting for the sting to swell burning blisters beneath the skin Finally screaming aloud it is the fire, the heat from the inside out The consuming finality of embers extinguished ashes left to die it is the end Angela Minard 2012©

This morning my parents are driving back home to Florida. It always makes me feel teary and a bit empty after they leave. I will return to my old routine and be fine after awhile. I go back to work in two weeks. I think I will be ready, although the switch from summer back to reality is always a shock to my system at first.   My mom always feeds us well while she is here, and I feel like I've gained weight. I've been thinking of a detox diet, which I'm sure my nutritionist will not approve of. I am going to run it by her, but will probably still do what I want, as stubborn as I am. I really feel like I cannot eat as much food as most people can and not gain weight. I know that my usual diet is under 800 calories, but I feel that is all I need. I have a difficult time believing my nutritionist when she says that I need more than that amount. I do feel changes coming in my life, and I'm trying new adventures like the aerial yoga which was so damn hard, some what ...