Here and Now

I had a dream about a former friend the other night, and although I can't recall the details of the dream, upon waking, the loss was once again fresh and raw. I moved through my morning routine with the ache in my chest as I fed the dog, prepared coffee, and sat down at the computer. It was then that I noticed the date, the breath catching in my throat. It was her birthday. Our birthdays are precisely a week apart, and our wedding anniversaries exactly the same, except for the year. She was my maid of honor, she was at the birth of my first son, I sat on the crumpled bed in her room and cried with her when her dad passed away... we shared so much, and the loss still causes both pain and anger.  It is strange how the mind works, and I wonder if on some subconscious level, her birthday registered in my brain, even though it hadn't seemed to cross my mind at all. It has been 5 years since we have spoken, and I have changed in many ways, as I'm sure she has as well. ...

I think that I'm in the release stage of my recovery. I think that after I wrote the poem below, there was the realization that yes, I'm here, and all that I've been doing with the eating disorder is screaming to be heard. I go back to the feeling of numbness, because it served a purpose. It was my protection from the rape. I go back there again and again because I think that I can make sense out of something so senseless. There is the child in me with the magical thinking, that believes I can somehow go back and make things different, because you see, Ive always blamed myself. The last line of my poem where I say that I can forgive is not about forgiving them, but about forgiving myself, and letting go of the past. After my dad read this poem, he called and asked me if I wanted to go to church with him. I have my own faith, and it is personal and private. I don't think that it is necessary to go to church to have the belief in something greater than myself. When I say ...

I'm trying so hard not to cry. I just feel lonely right now, and I wish that I didn't have this ache in my heart. I don't seem to know what to do with myself. Dave is on his annual golf trip, so all I have are the boys, and they pretty much do their own thing. I guess teenagers are like that! Today was my last day of work for the school year, and I should be celebrating. I will miss my work friends, and even the kids, although a break from autism will be nice. I don't really have many plans for the summer. We may take a trip to Florida to visit my parents. Dave doesn't really want to do it. We will have to drive, and it is a long trip. If he doesn't want to go, then maybe I will take the boys on my own. There are also things that I want to do around my house, that I never seem to have the energy to do during the week. I'm feeling motivated at the moment. We will see how long that lasts:) I'm also feeling motivated to get the eating disorder under contro...

I'm sick and whiny today. I have a sore throat, fever, and body aches. I was sent home from work early yesterday, and I can't believe that I'm sick over the weekend. I'm hoping this is just a little cold, and not H1N1. We had a boy in our class that was sent home with it, so I have been exposed. Other than getting sick, my week hasn't been too bad. I did have a scary incident with one of my students though. We went on a community based outing to a local restaurant for breakfast, and while we were sitting and waiting for our order, he knocked over three water glasses, which broke, and then he tried to put a piece of the broken glass in his mouth, which I luckily was able to get away from him. We immediately took him back to the bus, and he missed out on the pancakes that he really wanted. It was quite the outing! On the recovery front, I think that I'm doing better. I'm slowly increasing my food intake, and it seems to get easier the more that I do it. I fee...

Yesterday, I literally slept all day long. I hate wasting a weekend day like that, but I couldn't seem to keep my eyes open. Today I'm feeling much better. I'm still a bit lazy, but emotionally, I'm feeling less fragile. I'm getting some laundry done, but other than that, I really don't feel like doing much. I have a new book to read called Look Me In The Eye, My Life With Asperger's , by John Elder Robison, so that is how I plan on spending the rest of my afternoon. I talked with my mom on the phone this morning. My dad is trying to get an anullment from her so that he can get remarried in the Catholic church. She called him today, and basically tore into him. He has done so much to hurt my brother and I, and I can no longer have anything to do with him. There is just too much pain. She asked me if she could tell him about the rape. I could never find the courage to tell him for some reason, even though it was because of his neglect that it happened in the...

I love the feeling of having the whole weekend ahead of me. We bought a new Christmas tree yesterday, so I'm excited to put on some holiday tunes and decorate my house for the season. I'm sure that will help to give me some Christmas spirit. Now if we could only get some snow, I would really be happy. In therapy news this week, I had a rough session on Wednesday, and couldn't wait to get out of there. I'm getting discouraged with my progress and feel very apathetic to change right now. My therapist called me the day after our session to see how I was doing, and I told her how frustrated I'm feeling. She suggested that I take a break from seeing her and my nutritionist over my holiday vacation, and I felt a huge sense of relief when she said that. I think that I'm burnt out, and could use a break. Hopefully that will pull me out of this rut that I'm in. She also thinks that it would be a good idea to start working on my poetry book. My therapist is an awesome...