Saturday, September 5, 2015

Friendships and Loss

I had a dream about a former friend the other night, and although I can't recall the details of the dream, upon waking, the loss was once again fresh and raw. I moved through my morning routine with the ache in my chest as I fed the dog, prepared coffee, and sat down at the computer. It was then that I noticed the date, the breath catching in my throat. It was her birthday. Our birthdays are precisely a week apart, and our wedding anniversaries exactly the same, except for the year. She was my maid of honor, she was at the birth of my first son, I sat on the crumpled bed in her room and cried with her when her dad passed away...we shared so much, and the loss still causes both pain and anger. 
It is strange how the mind works, and I wonder if on some subconscious level, her birthday registered in my brain, even though it hadn't seemed to cross my mind at all. It has been 5 years since we have spoken, and I have changed in many ways, as I'm sure she has as well. It wasn't my choice to terminate our friendship, and I will probably never understand, but in my heart I still wish her well, and a very happy birthday. There is a certain amount of grace needed when learning how to let go because no one likes to lose. I often let this incident feed my fears, holding it up as proof that I'm not good enough, when in reality it had nothing to do with me. It feels good to let go of that ownership, because I was not the one who failed. Relationships are work, and the amount of pain involved in the loss of a friendship is often overlooked. I made mistakes, but I was always willing to fight and put in the work. I'm proud of myself for that for what it is
worth. I have amazing friendships, so if you're a part of my life, don't think you can get rid of me so easily!   

The artwork above is a Japanese Haiku written by Issa

"A world of grief and pain,
flowers bloom,
even then"