Here and Now

I wait for the darkness to lift, and slowly, slowly I can feel the light peeking through. The hiding of my depression comes so naturally to me, and it is a relief that most people cannot see it. I know that my husband can see the signs, but for the most part, I put on my happy face.It is the mask that I've worn for years. Hiding is a comfort, and although the silence is deafening to me, no one can hear. The isolation at times feels like a warm blanket. I'm back in the swing of yoga, sometimes taking two classes a day. If it was any other form of exercise my nutritionist would worry about the excess. I'm going to a yoga workshop in May, which will be six hours of yoga and meditation. I'm really looking forward to it! The meditation and final relaxation of my class is becoming easier for me. I'm beginning to be able to slow down the racing thoughts. I hope to incorporate that into everyday life. Work is also going well, but I've missed too many days due to this d...

The Ride We ride in comfortable silence until I realize that maybe I should say something Perhaps I should ask you how school is, or if you have a girlfriend I remember the incessant chatter, the questions and comments you would make on our trips here and there Once you said, "Mom, did you know that Einstein didn't learn to tie his shoes until he was seven? "I'm smarter than Einstein!" I don't know when the quiet rides began. Mother and son side by side Sometimes your friends are in the car, and I'm the invisible observer I take it all in, the pulling away, no longer mine You never were... Angela Minard 2012©

My Soul When you have gone away, I feel lost as if you will never come back again You reassure me "I'm not going anywhere." afraid of non-existence Ashes and bone The loss and pain that have always been unknown life lost to the wind left to live without a smile, a touch, and the broken parts will not heal cracks in the pavement the heart on the inside peeled apart the knowledge that nothing remains the same blue and red molecules I've been told the human eye cannot see float through the air, adrift all that is left of the human flesh The heavens will open and I pray aloud to a God in which I've rarely spoken "Please don't take away all that is my soul."  My soul... Angela Minard©2012

The Wait The signs on the door say Please Use The Other Side No Smoking Turn Off Your Cell Phone For The Courtesy Of Others You fill out paper work that you have already filled out before. We sit on a brown suede couch, Time magazines from 2010, and the low chatter of other patients with their audible sighs fill the waiting room. An elderly woman pulls clippers from her purse,  cutting her fingernails as the crescent moon shapes fall onto the carpet. Such a strange thing to do. I grab the journal that I always keep in my over sized bag,  writing down my observations. You sit by my side, hands fidgeting, staring across the room at the fish tank as a child in a pink coat runs over to peer into the bubbling water. "Jessica, her mother calls impatiently, "Get over here." I think about how weary she sounds,  wondering how often I was like that  with my own children. One of the receptionists calls you over to the desk, and ...

~Artwork from Philipp Banken Sometimes... I peer into the eyes of darkness and glimpse my own soul drifting on the wind disappearing into scarlet horizons where nothingness is everything. Sometimes... I feel so alone standing in a pool of my mortal fears ignoring the pain because I feel I am worthless pale bones and flesh bereft of spirit. Sometimes... I cry, cry and cry the dewfall of my innocence having been washed away into dark waters of regret Sometimes... I fall from heights of self-pity down nightly ravines of forbidding shades where birds hum plaintive croons ebbing and rising with mournful airs. Sometimes... I  feel this way, I feel this low floundering in the bluest depths torn between who I am and who I have become. Angela Minard 2012©

“There are many ways to overcome shame. The most powerful is simply talking about your abuse. Shame exists in an environment of secrecy. When you begin to freely speak the truth about your life, your sense of shame will diminish” ~The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis This quote says it all for me. It speaks to the eating disorder as well as to the abuse. I'm amazed at how honest I am about everything now. I used to be so ashamed, and in denial. I didn't have a problem...no one could know. Lately I'm more forthcoming about my issues, my successes, my failures. I can share knowledge. I can be truthful, and it is amazing how once you are honest, people will spill their guts to you! I'm no longer ashamed, and I will tell you that I never thought I would be in this place. It is true that the more you talk about what shames you, the more the shame lessens. I've been the master keeper of secrets, and it has always caused me nothing but pain. Sometimes I ke...

Here are some pictures from Dave's 50th surprise birthday party that I threw for him. It was so much fun, and he was truly surprised. Almost 22 years married, and 25 Valentine's Days together. It has flown by! Happy Valentine's Day! I hope it has been a fabulous day for all of you. Dave and I aren't big on doing all that much to celebrate, but we are going to spend the day together on Monday, and then go out in the evening. He has an appointment with his neurologist that day to check on his brain tumor. It is always an emotional time for us, and we worry about the results of his MRI, but we have had many years of good news, so hopefully this year will not be any different. Health wise I've still been exhausted, and I'm not sure why. I finally went back to work on Monday for half a day, and still wasn't sure if I was going to make it through. Dave wants me to go to the doctor, and if I'm not feeling better soon, I will make an appointment. I'm rea...

I haven't been well, physically or emotionally, and I'm not sure where one ends and the other begins. I only went to work one day this week. I'm exhausted, and even doing the minimum has required a huge amount of effort. I wasn't eating, which I know played a big part in my fatigue, but I'm getting back on track, so I should be feeling better. Now that I know what it feels like to have a healthy body, I find it difficult to tolerate the symptoms of starvation. That is a good thing! One thing that happened this week is that I cried. It was the kind of cry that stuffs up your nose and makes you look really ugly. I haven't cried like that in a long time, and even though it feels like I'm on the verge of tears everyday, I rarely shed them. I thought that I would feel better. My therapist is always exulting the healing power of tears, but the heaviness in my chest is still present. My psychiatrist increased my anti-depressant dosage and suggested getting a thera...

Revisited When I asked if she had read it she said it was on the floor of her closet... the poem I had given her discarded I had tucked the memory away until later when I could contemplate the hurt because although I knew that she cared there was an anger in me anger that I had chosen not to acknowledge I wonder at the time if my face gave me away but I always smile or at least that is what I must have done If she noticed anything in my eyes, it didn't show It felt like I had been slapped I remember telling myself that it didn't matter that she would eventually read it It was most likely crumpled up thrown in the trash by now I still see her Why do I go back and revisit the past? Torturing myself as if everyone is out to get me to see if I will crumble I weigh my words carefully treading on thin ice The knives that are thrown at me penetrate my shield but I will not let you see Angela Minard 2012©

Wanting Disconnection and mistrust invasion upon invasion a barrier between myself and the light the need for solitude but the loneliness weighs heavy You know too much and yet not enough always wanting more than I can give You all want more... "What do you want to talk about?" I'm afraid You will all use it against me I can't get away from the want "Tell me what you need?" Listen to me, but what if you can't hear? I'm sick... I can't escape the sick, the broken, the hopeless, the yearning for a touch that burns Should I pull away first before you see the need? The hunger for more than anyone can give I'm so sorry I can never be enough incomplete the words are tumbling and I cannot stop them I promise trying to be more than I can ever be the words I write are all that I have all that I can give Give, need, and want are incongruent all that I can say senseless in the whirling of my mind apologetic for losing myself to the sick irrational ...