Tuesday, February 28, 2012
I wait for the darkness to lift, and slowly, slowly I can feel the light peeking through. The hiding of my depression comes so naturally to me, and it is a relief that most people cannot see it. I know that my husband can see the signs, but for the most part, I put on my happy face.It is the mask that I've worn for years. Hiding is a comfort, and although the silence is deafening to me, no one can hear. The isolation at times feels like a warm blanket.
I'm back in the swing of yoga, sometimes taking two classes a day. If it was any other form of exercise my nutritionist would worry about the excess. I'm going to a yoga workshop in May, which will be six hours of yoga and meditation. I'm really looking forward to it! The meditation and final relaxation of my class is becoming easier for me. I'm beginning to be able to slow down the racing thoughts. I hope to incorporate that into everyday life.
Work is also going well, but I've missed too many days due to this damn depression. I think the medication increase is helping. I know I will gradually get better as spring draws near. The warmth will seep into my bones, and my soul will once again unfold towards the light. January is always a difficult month for me. It is the anniversary of my suicide attempts, and not an anniversary that I want to celebrate, that is for sure.
Here is a poem that I wrote soon after my second attempt.
I'm not sure what made me do it
After years of morbid daydreaming
Never really contemplating
Only the illusion
that I would be free
I realize now that death does not equal freedom, and I'm grateful to be alive!