Here and Now

Without Words You wait  without words after opening my heart expansive moments  Finally, with purpose  gazing up into your eyes I try to tell you without words Sometimes when we say goodbye I apologize in silence for the words no one should have to hear  I do  not say them I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry Resting my head against your warmth the vibration of your voice fills my body breathing your laughter as tears threaten I try to tell you without words Angela Minard 2014©

Night Watch Sleep is an act of courage  paired with child-like hope... You should close your eyes now before your heart breaks wide apart falling too deeply between the cracks to ever be found Angela Minard 2014©

I let all of my thoughts and feelings ruminate in my mind, turning them over and around, examining them in such great detail, that I often lose sight of the big picture. Not only do I do this with my own thoughts and feelings, but I also do it with the words and actions of other people, misinterpreting and twisting things so as to feel as badly as I can possibly feel about myself.  Maybe if I allow myself to believe that I'm nothing special, I can excuse myself from all of this hard work... Am I that lazy?  Yes, sometimes, perhaps... I know that I'm cared for by the way that it is shown, and that really is what matters. I make things more complicated than they need to be. I do such a good job of breaking my own heart before anyone else gets a chance, barely even realizing that I'm the one shooting arrows. I say "barely" because I am becoming aware that this is what I do. Maybe I use it as an excuse to disconnect, but now it hurts too much...

Prison I know about your boundaries meant to keep me out How is it that someone can both come too close and not close enough? Inside, inside Clenching my soul  You are a prison clawing at my skin longing to escape from screaming flesh Hold me inside, inside Whisper softly when all I hear is her voice I know what she takes inside, inside Boundaries are  a prison  meant to keep me out Whisper softly But don't come too close  Don't come  inside... Angela Minard 2014©

Family Pic 2007 I'm emotional tonight in such a beautiful way, and for many reasons. Our number three son (in the white t-shirt) just moved to college, and he is the first of our children to make this transition. He is a mere forty five minutes from our home, and it would definitely tug more forcefully at my heart if he were further in distance, but it still changes the dynamics of our family, and his constant presence will be missed. I have prepared myself for this inevitable moment since the day he was born, because that is how I am. A piece of me always knew when I had children not to hold on too tightly, because they eventually fly on their own. Today I learned that there really is nothing more rewarding than watching your child soar toward their own destiny, knowing that you helped to raise a kind and loving individual who will contribute greatly to this world. I'm proud of my son, and I'm also proud of us as a family. We have survived some tough times, but I ...

Down For The Count I'm not sure what I expect  when my fingers weep my words raw my heart expanding and contracting  like an angry fist throwing my punches in your direction without thinking of the consequences The stunning truth  (words mean nothing) always catches me off guard The bell rings  and I stagger back to the center ring on the ropes blocking each blow (nothing) until I can no longer feel the impact In fact, realizing  that I am no longer protecting myself  I don't know how not to give up everything... Angela Minard 2014©

Count To Three Today I was thinking  about how much I love it when you call me "sweetie" or "babe" and the tears came I let them without stopping them for once for you... because I knew that you would want me to try to allow the feelings It hurt,  so I gave myself 3 seconds 1...2...3... I worry about telling you how much I love those terms of endearment because What if you were to take them away? And I cried 3...2...1... I knew that even if you were far way and I could no longer see you, or touch you, I could hear those words reverberating from my soul to yours forever...   Angela Minard 2014© "Only trust someone who can see these three things in you: The sorrow behind your smile, the love behind your anger, and the reason behind your silence." ~Unknown Image~ "The Atonement" by Anca Mitroi

I've been sitting here for awhile now, staring at the blank white computer screen with the black cursor blinking at me, waiting for me to type my thoughts on this blog where I have been coming for many years. I'm struggling to put my emotions into words and to make sense of what I'm feeling in the aftermath of the death of Robin Williams. The dialogue on social media has been heartbreaking for me, and for the most part I have kept my distance because it opens up wounds that I'm trying to heal. I have been held in the vice like grip of depression. Twice I attempted to take my own life, and both times I was angry that I didn't succeed. At the time, I certainly could not see my own worth, and believed my husband and children would be better off without me. I had slowly been trying to starve myself for years, so once I had become nutritionally stable and weight restored, I had a whole new ball of wax to begin to deal with, and the descent into hell came quickly. ...

Act Of Contrition Perhaps it was the early morning downpour a reminder making my bones ache the holes of my heart  soaking in the poison like a porous sponge crazy screaming frantic cleaning only this flesh remains Angela Minard 2014©