New Life

For someone with an eating disorder, I know this may sound strange, but I absolutely loved being pregnant. I never took better care of myself than when I was carrying my boys inside of me. I enjoyed observing the changes in my body, and rarely worried about the weight I was gaining. I knew that I was nourishing my babies with healthy eating, and that made me feel amazing. Unfortunately I've never been so great at nurturing and caring for myself, and so after each child was born, I would revert back to the eating disorder. I didn't want to be seen as the stereotypical overweight housewife, and my sense of self was and still tends to be nonexistant. I wanted to be seen as the perfect wife and mother, with a spotless home, and gourmet meals on the table each night. Eventually I could no longer keep up with the facade, and it all fell apart, beginning with the night that I told my husband that I had been raped as a child. It was both the beginning and the end... Tonight in therapy, we talked about how I was able to nurture new life, and that maybe I could think of myself as being reborn. Maybe I could start treating myself as a new and growing being, in need of tender care. I really like that idea, and how brilliant of my therapist to look at it in that way. I think that I really am trying to take better care of myself. It has been a pretty good week with the yoga. My food is still not going like I want it to. I've been eating before yoga, but that is about it. Weekends seem to be better, when I'm not so busy at work. The fact is that I'm scared of eating too much. I can't stand the self loathing I feel if I eat more than one meal. I've been feeling more in touch with my emotions, maybe not understanding them, but feeling them none the less. When it comes to being full, that is difficult for me to sit with. I know that I'm going to have to do more than I'm doing. Feeding myself is a huge battle that I'm going to have to fight. Now is always the best time to begin.

Seeing Through Different Eyes

Today I am feeling more positive and hopeful. I had a really awesome breakthrough session in therapy yesterday. I had been thinking lately about how good I always felt about myself when I was pregnant. It is the only time that I didn't have dissociative episodes during sex.(sorry so personal, but I don't like to sensor my thoughts) I felt so good about my body and could appreciate all of the changes that were taking place. I took such good care of myself. I gave up caffeine, alcohol, anything that was even remotely unhealthy. I brought this up in therapy yesterday, and my therapist thought that it was very interesting, and came up with a few different ideas as to what that might mean. She came up with some insights that had never even crossed my mind, so I'm definitely going to be exploring those in my mind. I will let you know what I come up with. I also received a wonderful reply from my friend Theresa today on my previous blog post that really made me see through different eyes. Thanks Theresa!
I am off work today. I'm going to the boys school conferences to see how they are doing academically. There may be some grounding going on, but I hope not:) The sun is shining today, unlike the rain and clouds of yesterday. Thankfully, the sun always returns!