Wednesday, March 30, 2011

New Life

For someone with an eating disorder, I know this may sound strange, but I absolutely loved being pregnant. I never took better care of myself than when I was carrying my boys inside of me. I enjoyed observing the changes in my body, and rarely worried about the weight I was gaining. I knew that I was nourishing my babies with healthy eating, and that made me feel amazing. Unfortunately I've never been so great at nurturing and caring for myself, and so after each child was born, I would revert back to the eating disorder. I didn't want to be seen as the stereotypical overweight housewife, and my sense of self was and still tends to be nonexistant. I wanted to be seen as the perfect wife and mother, with a spotless home, and gourmet meals on the table each night. Eventually I could no longer keep up with the facade, and it all fell apart, beginning with the night that I told my husband that I had been raped as a child. It was both the beginning and the end... Tonight in therapy, we talked about how I was able to nurture new life, and that maybe I could think of myself as being reborn. Maybe I could start treating myself as a new and growing being, in need of tender care. I really like that idea, and how brilliant of my therapist to look at it in that way. I think that I really am trying to take better care of myself. It has been a pretty good week with the yoga. My food is still not going like I want it to. I've been eating before yoga, but that is about it. Weekends seem to be better, when I'm not so busy at work. The fact is that I'm scared of eating too much. I can't stand the self loathing I feel if I eat more than one meal. I've been feeling more in touch with my emotions, maybe not understanding them, but feeling them none the less. When it comes to being full, that is difficult for me to sit with. I know that I'm going to have to do more than I'm doing. Feeding myself is a huge battle that I'm going to have to fight. Now is always the best time to begin.


Eliza said...

That is wonderful to know that you were able to really put the eating disorder on the back burner while you were pregnant. I often wonder and despair a little when I think about having kids because I just assume I'll never be able to put anything before my eating disorder.

Just me said...

I love this! I hope that trying to see yourself in that way will really help you. You can do this!

I Hate to Weight said...

your therapist always sounds so wonderful.

you're doing a lot of really hard work. hope you can appreciate that.

self-loathing is a really tough one. i despised myself my whole life -- until AA. i'm not giving that speech again, but i will say that i have learned how to let go. and from my drug years, i have a lot to let go of. freedom is amazing.

it's extraordinary how you were when pregnant. what a wonderful mother!

BrightenedBoy said...

Being in therapy is the best thing you could do.

I wish you the best of luck in this journey. It's also good to remember that you can eat a healthy meal without becoming full. Today for lunch I had a turkey sandwich with yogurt and granola. I felt energized without being bloated.