Waiting To Tell

Waiting To Tell

How surreal and fragile
the world seemed to be.
Pulsing with silence
A simple inhalation
too much to take.
Choking on secrets
Stealing each breath

Suffocation held my hand
through those dark summer nights
of waiting to tell.
I would stand by the side of your bed
until you could feel my presence
willing your eyes to open
afraid of your irritation.
"Why did you wait so long
until it got this bad," you would say.
always waiting to tell
because it was so bad
I was sorry to wake you
my chest sinking into itself
with each rasping gulp of air.
The ride in the car always lulled me
and eyes soft,
your annoyance would disappear
almost touching the longing
of already missing you.

The glaring fluorescent lights
of the hospital would make
the loneliness of my bedroom
seem distant and my screaming
thoughts only a whisper.
A tightened fist and the needle
would sink until the room was
swaddled in safety
leaving only a pool of blackness
behind me.

Angela Minard 2009©

Reaching Out

I'm feeling good about how well I took care of myself yesterday, and today is a much easier day. I was able to reach out for help, and talked to my entire support team about what was going on. I struggled with food, but I was able to make myself a smoothie late in the afternoon, and I was also able to eat dinner. It wasn't easy, but I did it. I did many things to distract myself. I went for a walk, went to the grocery store, painted my nails, cleaned up the house, did laundry, listened to music, and watched a really funny movie called Confessions Of A Shopaholic, which I really enjoyed. It made me laugh, and that is what I needed to lift my heart up and out of the darkness of the past. Blogging and expressing my feelings also helps me to sort things out in my mind and gives me a plan of action. I'm so glad that I have this outlet!
Today has been nice and relaxing, and tonight we are going to spend the evening with Dave's family. His sister and uncle are in town, and tomorrow we will be celebrating his moms 70th birthday. It will be a fun and busy weekend filled with family which is just what I need right now. Later tonight Dave and I are also going to listen to a friend of his who plays in a band, and meet up with some of his old high school friends. I'm looking forward to that since we don't often go out without the kids. It helps so much to have activities and plans that will keep me busy and get me out of the house. It is easy for me to start isolating myself, and that never leads to anything good.
I want to thank everyone who has been reading and offering their support and encouragement. It helps a great deal to know that I'm not alone with many of my feelings, and that others have shared the same problems that I'm going through. I'm feeling stronger everyday!

Laughter Never Hurts

There are days like today when food just seems too complicated,and I'm trying to figure out why that is. This morning I was in the kitchen trying to figure out what to eat for breakfast. I pulled out raisin bread, put it back. Cereal bar, put it back. Maybe I'm not even hungry I thought to myself, grabbed my cup of coffee, and walked out of the kitchen. Maybe it is the hunger that is complicated, and not the actual food. Empty feels good to me, and fullness feels bad, as if I've done something wrong by feeding my body.
I feel emotional and teary today, and I'm not very good at naming my emotions or pinpointing the reasons for having them. I suppose I question the whys too much, trying to avoid actually feeling the emotions at all. I think that if I had sat down to a meal this morning, I would have cried, and I don't want to cry.
I had a dream about the rape this morning, and thankfully the alarm went off, but the first thing that I wanted to do after awakening was to scream, rage, and throw a huge temper tantrum. I went for a walk instead, and although the anger seems to have dissipated, I know it is still there, buried deep inside, and all that I will allow to come to the surface is sadness and grief, and even those feelings I try to deny.
My therapist gave me the name of a boxing club that is fairly close to my home where they offer kick boxing classes. She really thinks that it would help me to release some of my pent up anger. The first lesson is free, so I really think that I'm going to try it out. I'm afraid though, and hope that I can build up the courage to do it. Mostly I'm afraid of the anger. I fear that I will explode with the feeling, and it will never stop. I need to step out of my comfort zone and try something new because I do feel like I'm stuck.
Anyway...my goal for today is to take care of myself, nurture myself, and to eat, which I already know is going to be a difficult task. Most importantly, I'm going to need to reach out for support from my husband and therapist by letting them know that I'm struggling, and that is still a hard thing for me to do. If I have learned anything from all of this though, it is that I can't get through this alone. Distraction is also a good thing. I rented Confessions Of A Shopaholic, which is a lighthearted comedy, so I'm going to watch that. Laughter never hurts!

On The Right Path

I'm back on the trail, walking with purpose, winding my way again towards the light.

I went walking again this morning with my neighbor. Although I like walking alone better, having someone to hold me accountable motivates me to actually get out there and do it. There is a beautiful wooded trail that runs directly behing my house, so it is very convenient to be able to step right outside my back door to get some exercise. I'm already feeling much better, and to be honest, I'm proud of myself for quickly recognizing where I was headed, and doing something about it before it became too dark. Depression has a way of sinking into your bones until you literally become paralyzed, or at least that is how it feels to me, and I refuse to let the rest of this summer slip away from me in that way. There is entirely too much to enjoy and live for. Depression robs you of all the small joys in life that should never be taken for granted.

Yesterday I got such a kick out of my two youngest boys, who are 12 and 13. They had a friend over and decided to get out their video camera. They dressed up in crazy outfits and walked up to Walgreen's and filmed themselves shopping. They had such a great time and came home so that they could put their cinema mastepiece on youtube. They were cracking up at themselves!

I'm enjoying the summer being home with my family, and with the boys growing up so fast, I don't want to miss out on a single moment of time spent with them, although lately, it is mostly time spent observing them. That is okay though. I'll take what I can get!

Feeling Down

For the past few days I have been feeling the familiar pull of depression and I have no idea why I'm feeling this way. I'm taking my medications the way that I'm supposed to, so it is frustrating to find myself so down. I can't even explain this to anyone, so I feel terribly alone, and that is what makes me want to isolate myself even further. I don't even want to talk to my therapist about this, because I've been doing so well. I don't want to disappoint anyone. She will tell me that maybe I'm afraid to get better, and maybe that is true. I don't even know anymore. I do know that I get so tired of this. Tomorrow I am going to do everything that I can to pull myself up and out of this pit that I've fallen into. Getting up and out of the house is hard when I feel like this, but I am getting up with my neighbor to walk first thing in the morning. Exercise always seems to help. I was supposed to go this morning, but all I did was lay on the couch all day. I feel so disgusted with myself. I do know that I have to get a hold of this before it gets out of hand. I'm not going to let depression control me like it has in the past.

Beating Ana~ A Book Review

I was contacted on Facebook recently by Shannon Cutts, who is the author of a new eating disorder recovery book called Beating Ana~How to Outsmart Your Eating Disorder & Take Back Your Life. She had found my blog, and wanted to send me a copy of her book to review here. She also sent me another copy to give away, so let me know if you would like a copy, and I will do a drawing next week.
I ended up reading this book in a single sitting. It is truly an inspirational book filled with life stories, and more importantly, life lessons that I think anyone could apply to their own lives, whether you are suffering from an eating disorder or not. Shannon stresses the importance of having a mentor during the recovery process. Eating disorders thrive on secrecy, shame, and isolation, and through connecting with a mentor, who is a wise and trusted counselor or teacher, the sufferer can re-learn how to reach out to the world and once again become a part of life. A recurring saying throughout the book is, "Relationships replace eating disorders," and I find that to be so true. It wasn't until I was able to ask for help and admit that I had a problem, that I could really begin the grueling process of recovery. My favorite parts of the book are when Shannon shares what she calls Life Celebration Affirmations, which are the conclusions to each chapter. She also shares the stories of five courageous women who are in the process of recovery. Through many of their questions posed to Shannon, the reader can learn how to deal with many of the problems and snags that can trip up the person in recovery. It is wonderful to read a book written by someone who has literally walked in your shoes and found some of the important keys to recovery. I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who is struggling with addiction. It does closely follow the model of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is based on a twelve step process of recovery, and also stresses the importance of what they call sponsors to assist and be a role model. Beating Ana is a wonderful book, and I'm so glad that there is someone out there like Shannon to share their wisdom and encouragement with others. As Shannon says in her book, "No matter who it is, you must have someone you can talk to while you work toward healing and recovery, or you will not heal ". Reach out and get help!

Shannon Cutts is the founder of MentorConnect, a community where mentors and mentees can connect to experience the power of mentoring, and Key to life: unlocking the door to hope, an organization that offers events, workshops, concerts, and products and services to facilitate recovery from eating and related disorders. You can contact the author about both organizations here at Key to Life.

P. S. Don't forget to comment and win your own copy of Beating Ana!

In The Moment

I had an appointment with my nutritionist tonight, and it was much needed. Since we have returned from vacation, I've had a hard time with food, being very restrictive with my choices, and only eating foods that I feel safe eating. In the past three days I have only eaten egg whites, broccoli, carrots, and fat free yogurt. I think it felt like when we were on vacation, that I ate A LOT, and I feel guilty about it. I also want to lose some weight. I talked with my nutritionist about all of this, and she began to ask me some questions. First she asked if I felt like I had gained weight during our vacation. I said that my weight felt the same. She doesn't weigh me unless I ask her too, but I can tell by how my clothes fit whether I have gained or not. She asked me why I was cutting my calorie intake, and I told her it was because I wanted to lose some weight. She then told me that since I had not gained weight over vacation, that it meant that my metabolic rate had increased, and that cutting my calories would make the rate go back down, therefore making it harder for me to lose weight. We also talked about how I would feel if I did start losing some weight. Could I honestly say that it wouldn't be triggering for me, and would I know when enough was enough? I came to the realization that I wouldn't be able to judge when enough was enough. I'm not there yet. I want to be, but I'm not. I want to think that I can safely cut my calories in a healthy way, which is what I had talked myself into thinking that I was doing. I told myself that I was eating, but just in a healthy way. I wasn't starving myself. I was STILL eating. Right? This is why I can't recover on my own, and why I encourage anyone with an eating disorder to get outside help. I need to see my nutritionist on a weekly basis at this point because otherwise my thinking goes astray. The hardest thing for me to do is to live in the moment. We talked about how I always feel like I have to be working towards some goal, and how that goal for me has usually been losing weight. It is tangible, I can see it, and it was something that for a long time, I felt I was good at. It made me feel successful at a time when I didn't feel I was good at much else. Living in the moment means appreciating where my body is, and what it can do for me right now. I am strong. I can climb up mountains, so I will live with my body where it is right now without a goal for how to change it. That is why I call this blog Here And Now, because that is constantly what I have to remind myself. It is what life is all about.

Life Choices

Even in the desert, a flower can bloom.

I have been thinking quite a bit lately about choices, and how they pertain to the lives we lead. We do not always choose the circumstances in which we find ourselves, but we can choose how we respond to them. We ALL live a life and even though we may have some of the same experiences, or have been a part of the same situations, we are all affected differently. We all have our own story, from our own point of view. We all walk our own path. We all react based on our own internal make-up. We cannot expect another to “get over something” or to “let it go” because our trials and our tribulations are what make us who we are. Our trials can be used as positive growth or hinder us from moving forward based on what we choose, but moving forward does take time and healing, and no one else can determine the pace at which we heal. Most of the time it is two steps forward, and one step back, and those steps can be frustrating, but ultimately, we choose in what direction to go. Did I choose to have an eating disorder? No, I did not. It was used as a coping skill to deal with a trauma that occurred in my life, and letting go of it when it was my safety and security for so long is difficult, but I'm choosing life and recovery. I make mistakes, I fall backwards at times, and it is a daily battle in my mind between my healthy voice, and the voice of my eating disorder. I share my daily struggles in this blog, and writing here helps me to sort out all of the thoughts that swirl around in my mind. I have had comments from people who only want to read my happy and positive thoughts, but this is my journey TOWARDS healing, and there are many times when I stumble. Yes, I still have anger. I kept those feelings buried inside for a long time, and part of healing is being able to express those feelings. I would certainly like to think that more often than not, I am finding the joy and laughter in life. There are definitely aspects of my life that trip me up, but on most days, I have never been happier. One of the first and the most important parts of my recovery was reaching out for help and breaking my years of silence, and that is what I encourage anyone who is dealing with an eating disorder or trauma to do.

Free To Fly

The pavement dissolves into a ribbon of blue, reflecting the sky, and my mind wanders as I stare at the highway flowing behind me. Memories now, and that is all that they are. Not flashbacks where there is no escape. Just memories. I am hypnotized by the road trip, and there is a recurrent phrase that resounds inside of my mind. "I don't want to hate." I feel those words deep inside of my soul, and I roll them around over my tongue. I'm almost afraid to say them aloud. I tell myself that it doesn't mean denial. Denial for so many years. Silence. Afraid to tell anyone that I was raped. Shame. Blaming the child that I was. Now there is the letting go, and that is what I ponder. Am I ready to let it go? I must be close, because I feel it slowly breaking away. "I don't want to hate." No, but I do. I hate. I have anger and hate. I know that I will have to let go of the anger and hate to truly be free. I think about how it will feel to let it go, and I know that when I'm ready, it will feel like flying, and more than anything, I want to fly.

An Arizona Sky

We are enjoying our time in Arizona, visiting with family, and really just taking it easy. I napped out by the pool yesterday, and I haven't felt that relaxed in a long time. Last evening I went for a walk, and came across two scorpions, which scared the heck out of me. I've never seen one before, and they are really very creepy. I'm glad that we don't have those in Kansas!
Well, back to my vacation, but I wanted to share a photo of the beautiful Arizona sky.

The Grand Canyon

Here are some pictures taken at the Grand Canyon. All that I can say about seeing it is WOW! I was awe struck by how immense and beautiful it is. It was also a bit intimidating to peer over the edge. Dave and Roman climbed down a ways so that they could stand on the edge of one of the rocks, and about gave me a heart attack. The other boys and I were too afraid to do that. It was a fun time, and after we had veiwed the canyon, we headed to Phoenix, Arizona, where we are staying now with Daves cousin, wife, and four kids. It is a full house, and right now I am listening to all of them laughing and playing the Wii. Dave went golfing, and I'm going to head out to the pool to relax and enjoy the warmth of the sun.

Moab, Utah

Yesterday after we left my sister and brother-in-laws, we drove through Moab, Utah. Dave and I really enjoyed the beautiful scenery, but the boys were not nearly as impressed. They were getting irritated with our frequent stops to take pictures. They even waited in the van while Dave and I tried to hike up to see one of the arch formations called The Delicate Arch. The hike started out okay, but then it became really steep, and after about an hour, we turned around and went back down. Oh well...we still enjoyed ourselves. Maybe it is our age, but Dave and I are in awe at all that we are seeing, but the boys take it for granted. Of course they have a lot more time in their lives to see amazing things I suppose. Today, we are off to see the Grand Canyon. I hope that they will enjoy that, and not complain so much! I will of course post more pictures:)

A Healthy Perspective

I was just talking to my sister-in-law this evening, and telling her about my medication induced weight gain, and how uncomfortable I'm feeling in my body, and she began to tell me how she struggled with anorexia in college, which is a really common time for women to begin falling into eating disorders. She said that she gained twenty pounds at the beginning of college, and basically starved herself to lose the weight, and then couldn't stop. She said that training to be a swim instructor was what helped her, but that she still struggles with the excessive worry over gaining weight. She is very active and physically fit, and says that she gets up at 4:15 a.m. just to exercise, making sure that she does 15 minutes worth of sit ups, and that her activity level dictates how much she will eat that day. To me, that still sounds a bit disordered, making me think that most women have eating and body image issues. How do you get around that in this society? There is so much emphasis on being thin, and how do you do that and still maintain a healthy perspective. I seriously wonder if it is even possible. I'm so very unhappy with my weight, and can I lose it without drastically restricting my food intake and exercising in excess? Everyone tells me how healthy I look right now, which in my mind means that they think I'm fat...but besides the poor body image, I physically feel great. Do I give that up, just to be thin, and emulate the ideal body image? Why is that even an option in my mind? It should be a no brainer. I wish that it was.

A Morning Hike

I just returned from a morning hike through Mcinnis Canyon in Fruita, Colorado. It was a lot of up hill climbing, and I started thinking about how I wouldn't have been able to do it at all if I was still actively engaged in my eating disorder. I would most definitely have passed out. I have to remind myself of all of the things that I can now enjoy because I am healthy, and that is what makes me want to stay healthy, and not fall into old behaviors. I'm doing really well with the food on our trip. It does feel like we eat a lot though. The boys are always hungry, so sometimes it feels like our day revolves around when, where, and what we are going to eat. I'm doing okay with fast food places and restaurants, and I don't find myself really stressing at all about eating. I'm really just trying to take it easy on myself, and when I do catch myself worrying about my weight or what I look like, I immediately do what I can to turn those thoughts off. I'm so thankful that we are all together, and that everyone is having such a good time. Yesterday we went mini-golfing, and the boys drove go-carts. This afternoon we are going to check out the dinosaur museum here in town, and then take a short hike up to a place called Dinosaur Hill. Dave is hoping to find some fossils. Tomorrow morning we are heading to Arizona, and I will post more of our vacation adventure soon!

The Colorado National Monument

Yesterday we drove through the Colorado National Monument, stopping at various lookout points to take in the view of the parks deep canyons, and of course, take some pictures.

Vacation Beginnings

We are already having so much fun on our trip. The boys were really excited to stay in the hotel on our first night. We arrived in Goodland, Kansas earlier than we thought we would, and thought about going ahead and driving to Denver, but the boys couldn't wait to hang out in the hotel room, and swim in the pool. Yesterday we stopped and had lunch in Breckenridge, Colorado, so here are some pictures. Today we are in Grand Junction, visiting my sister and brother-in-law, where we will be staying until Sunday. We have a beautiful view of the Grand Mesa, and are going to go exploring today.

I will post more pictures soon:-)

Going On Vacation

I'm taking a break from packing to let you all know that I'm going on vacation. We are taking a road trip in our Chevy Venture which I have lovingly named Chervil, and heading to Colorado and Arizona. I'm excited about seeing the Grand Canyon, which I've always wanted to see, so I will hopefully be posting some awesome pictures. This is our first family vacation in a very long time, and I'm really looking forward to spending some time with all of my boys, and yes, that definitely includes my husband. The boys are all getting older and it will become more and more rare that we will all be able to go on trips together, so I plan on making the most of it.
There are of course some minor worries for me while we are on our trip, but I'm trying to push these thoughts out of my head. For one thing, we will be eating out at fast food places a lot, which is causing me some anxiety. I don't eat that type of food very often. I like to eat at home most of the time with foods that I feel safe consuming. I'm telling myself that it's not a huge deal, and I know that there are many healthy choices that I can make. It's just out of my comfort zone. I'm also very nervous about wearing a bathing suit. I'm hoping that the one I have fits. I've been too scared to try it on. I figure that if it doesn't, or I'm too uncomfortable, I won't put myself through it. The other part of my head tells me that I should get over the discomfort because I don't really want to miss out at some fun in the sun, and it will limit what I do while on vacation. I'm tired of letting this eating disorder stand in the way of living my life. The last worry that I have is my concern over what other people will think of my weight gain. I know that I shouldn't care, and it is getting easier, but the eating disorder loves to tell me what a fat pig I've become, and how I must not have any self control. It tries to make me believe that other people will also think those horrible things about me. I have been much better about feeding myself positive thoughts, and I'm often reminding myself that my self worth should not be based upon what size of jeans I wear. It is very difficult in this society, when the world is constantly telling us that we need to be ultra thin to gain happiness and success, but I'm beginning to believe, because despite the struggles that I'm still having, I've never been healthier or happier. Recovery is definitely worth it!

Tuning In

~I want to believe~

I have something that I want to say, but the words won't come. Maybe they are just feelings that I stuff deep inside, and I turn that into fat. Feeling fat. That is how I feel today, and perhaps it is because I took my mom to the airport this morning, and the longing feels heavy, and so I physically wear it. The weight of it clings to me, and more than anything right now, I want to somehow find a way within myself to change it. I have therapy in an hour, but what I feel like doing more than anything right now is to run, and sweat, and feel my body working for me, not against me. Maybe when I'm feeling like this, I need to tune into my body instead of trying to escape it. I don't know...I'm just trying to figure out how to turn this around, because I'm so tired of always blaming my body and hating myself. I will try to exercise today when I get home, and see if that helps. Actually, just writing this has helped some, and I suppose that is why I blog. :-)