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Monday, June 22, 2009

Feeling Down

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For the past few days I have been feeling the familiar pull of depression and I have no idea why I'm feeling this way. I'm taking my medications the way that I'm supposed to, so it is frustrating to find myself so down. I can't even explain this to anyone, so I feel terribly alone, and that is what makes me want to isolate myself even further. I don't even want to talk to my therapist about this, because I've been doing so well. I don't want to disappoint anyone. She will tell me that maybe I'm afraid to get better, and maybe that is true. I don't even know anymore. I do know that I get so tired of this. Tomorrow I am going to do everything that I can to pull myself up and out of this pit that I've fallen into. Getting up and out of the house is hard when I feel like this, but I am getting up with my neighbor to walk first thing in the morning. Exercise always seems to help. I was supposed to go this morning, but all I did was lay on the couch all day. I feel so disgusted with myself. I do know that I have to get a hold of this before it gets out of hand. I'm not going to let depression control me like it has in the past.

10 Comments:

askcherlock said...

This is such a difficult thing to cope with. Just know that is does get better. That pendulum always swings the other way and takes you up once again. My heart is with you and so are my prayers. Look for some small thing each day that makes you smile and work your way up. Small steps, just take small steps...

Sonja Dupor said...

I've been there myself years ago. Battling depression was extremely hard for me because of my panic disorder. I know what you're going through and I applaud you for fighting back.

I'm still struggling with anxiety and panic attacks but my depression is gone. It does get better and you will beat it.

I can't be positive when exactly my depression was cured but I'm pretty sure it was a combination of the right medication and positive thinking. The positive thinking was hard especially since I have always been a pessimist.

Good luck to you.

Michele Rosenthal said...

What makes you feel joy? As much as we think we can't get 'undepressed' I found that the experience of joy could lift me right out of the black pit.

Depression, like any mental issue, becomes a sort of addiction -- we get used to it and it perpetuates itself because we accept it, it becomes familiar and safe, etc.

But it's impossible to be depressed and feel joy at the same time, which means if you can do something that makes you feel joy you can transcend the heaviness, even if only for a little while. But joy can become a habit as much as depression, and it's a much more fun habit!

For me, I love to dance and I knew when I dance I feel a wonderful joy. I decided to dance A LOT. I took a class every day, which meant every day I looked forward to that experience of joy, was motivated off the couch and out of the house, and began to think of things beyond my depression.

Joy is life-affirming. And it develops a momentum all its own. What brings you joy?? How can you bring that experience into your world???

Angel said...

What a great comment Michelle, and thank you for your positive energy. I will definitely think about all that you have said, and how to bring more joy into my life.

Take care:)

clean and crazy said...

i was in the very same place yesterday, and today i am going to the gym too. smart people think alike. i tried to talk with my sponsor about my feelings and she shut me down, it was like wow that really made me feel bad. such a co dependent i am. but today is a new and the sun is up and pancakes are cookin so i pray you have a better day today i know i am going to try to too, it is good someone else out there is trying too, it makes me feel less alone.

Egg Beaten Angel said...

Hey Angel,
I think exercising works better than all the meds combined. Whenever I'm depressed, I drag myself off the couch and it really helps!
The meds help, but ultimately you have to hesl yourself. I know it's hard, but try writing some poetry and or just sit outside in a cool breeze and close your eyes for a while.
I really really hope you feel better today!

With all love,
Egg Beaten Angel

Sandi said...

I went into a real depression, like serious one time. I have had sadness before, I have been down but depression makes it seem like child's play. To this day my husband really has no clue what I went through. It was a rough time for us, our marriage....and yet he still doesn't quite get it. All I can say is that I fought it. I mean, I fought it hard as though it were an enemy. I think mostly I sat and let myself baste in my bad thoughts and they consumed me. I decided to get better I had to change. I had to not allow the thoughts to consume me and though it took time I did slowly get out of it and I know with NO doubt I will never allow myself to get there again. I know the signs now. Regardless I think everyone does deal with it at some point. Don't be disgusted with yourself. It truly is not your fault. This is just one of those things that the human brain deals with but it's not your fault. We all have ups and downs. Like my grandpa always said if we fall in the mud do we sit and wallow in it? No, we get up and clean ourselves off. I have applied that to so many areas of my life. He was a preacher. haha :)

THE ACTORS DIET said...

Don't be afraid to talk to your therapist about this - they will understand!!! I've totally been where you've been (and I'm sure I will be again). Allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling and don't judge yourself for it.

Descartes said...

Movement is good, I know my own depression are always made more powerful by that desire to lay around and think dark thoughts.

I recommend vitamins and lots of water-and finding your joy is always a good idea.

Ms.Christy said...

Hi- I have written about depression on my blog www.butterfliesinthecarline.blogspot.com
I KNOW how you feel, I am so sorry. I do agree that it helps to get out and exercise.
Christy