Fighting For Now

I just had a pretty good sized bowl of chili for dinner. It was all that I could manage to allow myself for today, but that is okay. I sat down with my family, and Dave is home, so it was all good, and I enjoyed it.
I don't really have much to say. I felt like writing here though, and maybe I'm hoping to sort through some thoughts that are swirling about. I had a rough night last night, and wasn't even able to write about it earlier. I had horrible nightmares all night, and finally went ahead and got up around 4:30 a.m. They were dreams about the rape, and feeling like I couldn't fight back. I could feel their hands everywhere, but could not move a muscle. It was horrifying. When I got up, I immediately got into the bathtub, which is a dangerous thing for me to do because I tend to dissociate when I do that, but I just had to get the feel of them off of me. Dave wasn't home yet, and I was feeling shaky, so I called my step dad and my mom, and tried to connect with everyone that I love. I feel like I really took care of myself today, doing everything healthy that I could do to distract myself from the pain. I took the boys to see Where The Wild Things Are, and that was also a sweet distraction. I am proud of myself for staying in the here and now, for not dissociating, and not numbing out with alcohol. I did use the eating disorder, I suppose, but that is par for the course lately, and I did manage to eat dinner, so all in all, it was a good day. I may not have been able to fight back in my dreams, but I'm fighting now.

The Wish

The Wish

The sun feels warm behind my back
and the wind gently lifts my hair
like a kiss blown softly on my neck.
I'm wishing for you as I smell the wild tobacco
and the damp earth of dawn that rises into
the mist of morning.
Hoping for days upon days linked together
until the past is only a laugh and a smile
shared between lovers united
like sturdy vines forever entwined.
Yes, I'm wishing for you...

Angela Minard 2009©

Laughter Never Hurts

There are days like today when food just seems too complicated,and I'm trying to figure out why that is. This morning I was in the kitchen trying to figure out what to eat for breakfast. I pulled out raisin bread, put it back. Cereal bar, put it back. Maybe I'm not even hungry I thought to myself, grabbed my cup of coffee, and walked out of the kitchen. Maybe it is the hunger that is complicated, and not the actual food. Empty feels good to me, and fullness feels bad, as if I've done something wrong by feeding my body.
I feel emotional and teary today, and I'm not very good at naming my emotions or pinpointing the reasons for having them. I suppose I question the whys too much, trying to avoid actually feeling the emotions at all. I think that if I had sat down to a meal this morning, I would have cried, and I don't want to cry.
I had a dream about the rape this morning, and thankfully the alarm went off, but the first thing that I wanted to do after awakening was to scream, rage, and throw a huge temper tantrum. I went for a walk instead, and although the anger seems to have dissipated, I know it is still there, buried deep inside, and all that I will allow to come to the surface is sadness and grief, and even those feelings I try to deny.
My therapist gave me the name of a boxing club that is fairly close to my home where they offer kick boxing classes. She really thinks that it would help me to release some of my pent up anger. The first lesson is free, so I really think that I'm going to try it out. I'm afraid though, and hope that I can build up the courage to do it. Mostly I'm afraid of the anger. I fear that I will explode with the feeling, and it will never stop. I need to step out of my comfort zone and try something new because I do feel like I'm stuck.
Anyway...my goal for today is to take care of myself, nurture myself, and to eat, which I already know is going to be a difficult task. Most importantly, I'm going to need to reach out for support from my husband and therapist by letting them know that I'm struggling, and that is still a hard thing for me to do. If I have learned anything from all of this though, it is that I can't get through this alone. Distraction is also a good thing. I rented Confessions Of A Shopaholic, which is a lighthearted comedy, so I'm going to watch that. Laughter never hurts!

How

How

How can I memorize
your face
your smell
each glance
each touch?
The feel
of your lips on mine
Matching every breath
you take with my own
How can I ever
let you go?

Angela Minard 2009©

Worry Is Wasteful And Useless In Times Like These

I'm trying not to let my mind race too far ahead of itself, but in times of fear, I'm afraid that isn't one of my strengths, although I realize that it does no good.

For those of you that don't know, my husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor eleven years ago, and has had two craniotomies to try to remove it, but because it is touching the brain stem, they have been unable to remove all of it. This afternoon he had his yearly MRI scan, and it showed that the tumor is growing again. That is not the news that we wanted to hear. His neurosurgeon is going to get a second opinion on a procedure called the gamma knife to see if Dave would be a candidate for that treatment before he has to have another invasive and risky surgery. I'm really keeping my fingers crossed that this will be an option. His last surgery was so difficult and we almost lost him. I know that we are both dreading having to go through anything like that ever again. I cannot even imagine my life without him, but there I go again, getting ahead of myself! Anyway...Dave said something to me tonight that just about broke my heart. He said, "I'm glad that you are here with me."

~Tonight the lyrics to this song by Jewel gave me some comfort~

Hands

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

On My Own

I'm feeling a bit lost with my husband out of town on a golf trip with his college buddies. He left yesterday, and last night I felt so lonely without him in the bed sleeping next to me. Usually he is still sleeping when I'm getting ready for work in the morning, so I try to be quiet, but this morning I could be as loud as I wanted, so I turned up my music, and even sang along, so that was kind of nice. I'm trying to find the bright side of his absence. What else...Let's see...I didn't cook last night. We just ordered pizza, and I let the boys hook up their video games to Dave's big screen T.V., which he never lets them do. Boy, will he be mad when he reads this! Oh well :-D
Justice has a football game on Saturday, and Roman plays on Sunday, so that will keep me somewhat busy. I'm going to go to the craft store, and buy some yarn for knitting. I think that I will try to learn how to knit hats, which I haven't tried yet. It would be nice to give scarf and hat sets as Christmas gifts. My goal for this weekend is to try to stay relaxed, and just be kind to myself.

Keeping The Faith

This morning our family participated in Head For The Cure, which is a 5k walk/run to benefit brain cancer research. This year my husband was chosen to receive a special award, called the "Keeping The Faith" award, which is an award that recognizes those who are fighting the courageous battle against brain tumors. We were all very excited when we found out that he had been chosen. Head For The Cure has been very important to our family. We have participated every year, and every year, it is one more that we will share with Dave, and one more year in which we know that we have won.

Head For The Cure Fundraiser

Make a Difference in the Fight Against Cancer!
On Sunday, September 7th, I will be participating in an event called Head for the Cure, a 5K run/walk that raises money for the Chris Anthony Brain Tumor Research Fund and Solace House. The Chris Anthony Brain Tumor Research Fund seeks to improve the outlook for adults and children with brain tumors through research. The Solace House is a center for grieving children and their families. My race to the finish line will be inspired by your generous donations to these worthy charities.

Save a Life, Make a Pledge
There are approximately 190,000 people diagnosed with a brain tumor in the United States each year and there are more than 120 types of brain tumors, which makes treatment complicated. The proceeds from this event will help fund much needed research into brain tumor causes and treatment. Additionally, it will help improve the quality of life for individuals living with a brain tumor today.

Head For The Cure was started in honor of Chris Anthony, a beloved husband, father, and friend, who lost his battle with cancer at the young age of 37. I am running in honor of his life and his courage. Since I probably can't talk you into running with me, I have set up this online fundraising page so that you can make a pledge in my name.

Thank you!

Never Stop Fighting

Dave and I had a great therapy session yesterday. He is pleased to see that my depression is lifting, and that I'm eating on a regular basis. It feels good to be able to laugh and smile again. Dave said that he missed being able to joke around with me. Depression really doesn't lend itself to a sense of humor, but I do feel like mine is coming back. It is as if we are falling in love all over again, and that is wonderful. Recognizing all of the qualities that we love about each other and cherishing the time we are able to spend together. I don't want to waste anymore time worrying about my body...trying to chase some kind of elusive perfection. I realize how pointless and counterproductive it is to all of my relationships. Claudia is very close to the curb!



"To be nobody but yourself~
in a world which is doing it's best,
night, and day,
to make you like everybody else~
means to fight the hardest battle
which any human being can fight,
and never stop fighting."


e.e. cummings


I have made vows and promises to the people that I love.
I will never stop fighting...for them, but most of all, for me.

Wordless Wednesday

Mondello Pier in Sicily

Happy Anniversary Flowers