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Sunday, October 18, 2009

Fighting For Now

Wordle: Untitled

I just had a pretty good sized bowl of chili for dinner. It was all that I could manage to allow myself for today, but that is okay. I sat down with my family, and Dave is home, so it was all good, and I enjoyed it.
I don't really have much to say. I felt like writing here though, and maybe I'm hoping to sort through some thoughts that are swirling about. I had a rough night last night, and wasn't even able to write about it earlier. I had horrible nightmares all night, and finally went ahead and got up around 4:30 a.m. They were dreams about the rape, and feeling like I couldn't fight back. I could feel their hands everywhere, but could not move a muscle. It was horrifying. When I got up, I immediately got into the bathtub, which is a dangerous thing for me to do because I tend to dissociate when I do that, but I just had to get the feel of them off of me. Dave wasn't home yet, and I was feeling shaky, so I called my step dad and my mom, and tried to connect with everyone that I love. I feel like I really took care of myself today, doing everything healthy that I could do to distract myself from the pain. I took the boys to see Where The Wild Things Are, and that was also a sweet distraction. I am proud of myself for staying in the here and now, for not dissociating, and not numbing out with alcohol. I did use the eating disorder, I suppose, but that is par for the course lately, and I did manage to eat dinner, so all in all, it was a good day. I may not have been able to fight back in my dreams, but I'm fighting now.

7 Comments:

PJ said...

oh no angela, i am so sorry. the nightmares are supposed to stop...

xoxox

Angel said...

I'm sure your dream catcher will start to do it's job, and Dave being back home will help.

chippy said...

I am very proud of you for fighting<3 never, ever, ever give up. It's so hard sometimes, but you're so strong and amazing and I know you can do it. Love you! <3

Ann said...

Good for you Angela, you keep fighting

Grampy said...

You did an excellent job.Hopefully the dreams will stop. Do you remember what you were thinking when you went to bed?Try to get yourself into a good space before bed.Get the good thoughts into your mind before going to bed.Good luck.And it seems you did come out of it.Good Work.

Zan said...

Sorry to hear about the nightmares.
Hope you'll get a decent nights sleep tonight.
Good for you for fighting back though! Keep fighting!
xx

Poetic Shutterbug said...

Nightmares can be horrible. However you took care of yourself, fought back and knew how to overcome what you were feeling. That is fantastic and keep up the good work.