Friday, June 26, 2009

Laughter Never Hurts


There are days like today when food just seems too complicated,and I'm trying to figure out why that is. This morning I was in the kitchen trying to figure out what to eat for breakfast. I pulled out raisin bread, put it back. Cereal bar, put it back. Maybe I'm not even hungry I thought to myself, grabbed my cup of coffee, and walked out of the kitchen. Maybe it is the hunger that is complicated, and not the actual food. Empty feels good to me, and fullness feels bad, as if I've done something wrong by feeding my body.
I feel emotional and teary today, and I'm not very good at naming my emotions or pinpointing the reasons for having them. I suppose I question the whys too much, trying to avoid actually feeling the emotions at all. I think that if I had sat down to a meal this morning, I would have cried, and I don't want to cry.
I had a dream about the rape this morning, and thankfully the alarm went off, but the first thing that I wanted to do after awakening was to scream, rage, and throw a huge temper tantrum. I went for a walk instead, and although the anger seems to have dissipated, I know it is still there, buried deep inside, and all that I will allow to come to the surface is sadness and grief, and even those feelings I try to deny.
My therapist gave me the name of a boxing club that is fairly close to my home where they offer kick boxing classes. She really thinks that it would help me to release some of my pent up anger. The first lesson is free, so I really think that I'm going to try it out. I'm afraid though, and hope that I can build up the courage to do it. Mostly I'm afraid of the anger. I fear that I will explode with the feeling, and it will never stop. I need to step out of my comfort zone and try something new because I do feel like I'm stuck. goal for today is to take care of myself, nurture myself, and to eat, which I already know is going to be a difficult task. Most importantly, I'm going to need to reach out for support from my husband and therapist by letting them know that I'm struggling, and that is still a hard thing for me to do. If I have learned anything from all of this though, it is that I can't get through this alone. Distraction is also a good thing. I rented Confessions Of A Shopaholic, which is a lighthearted comedy, so I'm going to watch that. Laughter never hurts!


Anonymous said...

Perhaps it is because you are missing Michael Jackson already.

What a sad day for your generation. This is no different than when the "King" died for my generation.

Just do some moon walking and you will feel better..

Now put a :) on that face.

Grandpa Florida

Angel said...

Yeah, that's it...I'm missing MJ!
I'm in mourning.

Smile is on:) Talked with Dave and my therapist, and feeling better. Keeping busy helps.

Love you<3

Doctor Faustroll said...

Who is Michael Jackson? Is he related to Jesse?

Angel said...

I'm disgusted by this outpouring of adoration. How many children have to be hurt, and why does this society ignore their tears? When will we listen and believe when children cry out for help?

Ann said...

Just wanted to say I enjoyed reading your post. Distraction is always a good thing for what ails you. In fact it's what keeps me Love your blog, your background is beautiful.

Angel said...

Thank you Ann. I also enjoy your blog very much:)

Laura said...

First, I love, love, LOVE the photo as laughter as a prescription bottle! That's great. I'm with your therapist and I think kick boxing or another martial arts would probably be very helpful. Anger needs release and I know it's hard to imagine not going to a place of rage and then not being able to come back. I felt that way about tears when I spent my millions of years in therapy and just couldn't cry (at first) - I thought, if I start . . . I'll NEVER stop. Not true, by the way. The longest I ever cried in one sitting was about 20-25 minutes. Solid weeping. But then it stopped.

So to with your anger - you just physically won't be able to stay at that emotional state for too long. And over time, I suspect you'll find that the regular release of your anger will be able to stay pretty channelled - e.g., you'll let it out in the class because that will feel like a safe place. I don't know that for a fact, but I think that's likely. You know yourself best, so try it out. A free class is great.

Lastly - about MJ - yeah, we aren't ALL blubbering about him. I feel he, too, was pretty abused, but he was a pedophile and I have not forgotten that. I feel sorry for his 3 minor children, but maybe they've been saved from him, too. And here's something weird - I've outlived him (I'm 51). Wow.

I hope you've had a great day, Angela - you certainly deserve a good belly laugh.


Laura T.

Angel said...

Thank you for your wonderful and wise comment Laura. I've decided that I'm definitely going to try out the kick boxing class.

Take care, and have a great weekend:)

Egg Beaten Angel said...

Hey there Angel,

You're right, laugter IS the best medicine! Thanks for reminding me, and I hope you'll feel better soon! Confessions of a Shopaholic is an awesome movie. I'm sure you'll like it (if you haven't watched it before).

I felt rather down today too...I tried ice cream for the first time in 2 years and felt disgusting for 7 hours afterwards, on top of being told by someone I really respected that I wasn't good enough and doing bad on a chem test. And I did cry in the end...although I feel better after blogging.

I encourage you to try the kickboxing! I take kickboxing classes, and the intensity helps me get my mind off the pain inside. I'm hooked on it!

We can do this, Angel!

Egg Beaten Angel

Angel said...

Thanks Angel, and I'm so sorry that you had a rough day. That is great that you tried ice cream even if it didn't feel great. It is the little steps that add up to big ones, and you are right...We can do this. You can always e-mail me if you need to talk:)

I watched the movie and loved it, and I was able to eat dinner tonight, so that was good. I'm definitely going to try the kick boxing! Hang in there!!!

Dwacon® said...

I prefer laughter as a liquid rather than the pill form. :-)

Hui said...

Angela, just wanna say I love your blog. It's very beautiful. We all have wounds to heal. Some say life on earth is like hospital for souls. When you feel down, remember that there is infinite love that connects all of us. Suffering is only illusion; freedom & peace are companions of our choosing.

love and blessing,

Cammy said...

I'm a little late, but just wanted to comment that I do the same thing with indecision. I have wasted who knows how much electricity opening and closing the fridge, going back and forth between cabinet and freezer, etc etc, it can literally stretch to an hour. It seems to be worst when I am stressed by other things and feel more pressure to pick out exactly what I "should" be having without real desire for anything...can you pinpoint any factors that commonly lead to these episodes for you? It could be related to the dream, or something else going on for you right now?

Hang in there, I'm always very moved by your honesty and courage in your writing.

Kim said...

Angela, I wanted to say thank you for supporting me and my blog. I also just wanted to remind you that you're not alone:) Take Care Of Yourself!