The pavement dissolves into a ribbon of blue, reflecting the sky, and my mind wanders as I stare at the highway flowing behind me. Memories now, and that is all that they are. Not flashbacks where there is no escape. Just memories. I am hypnotized by the road trip, and there is a recurrent phrase that resounds inside of my mind. "I don't want to hate." I feel those words deep inside of my soul, and I roll them around over my tongue. I'm almost afraid to say them aloud. I tell myself that it doesn't mean denial. Denial for so many years. Silence. Afraid to tell anyone that I was raped. Shame. Blaming the child that I was. Now there is the letting go, and that is what I ponder. Am I ready to let it go? I must be close, because I feel it slowly breaking away. "I don't want to hate." No, but I do. I hate. I have anger and hate. I know that I will have to let go of the anger and hate to truly be free. I think about how it will feel to let it go, and I know that when I'm ready, it will feel like flying, and more than anything, I want to fly.
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I am hoping you will find the positive in this. Here we go....you have control over your thoughts and your feelings and your emotions and your life. If you don't want to hate than love. If you don't want to be afraid then feel joy. If you don't want to fear than be happy. Every morning when you wake up you have a choice. Always choose the positive and everything else in your life will fall into place. That's how the universe works. If you are always walking around scared and angry and afraid and ALLOWING those emotions to RULE your life, then that negative energy will attach itself to you. So CHOOSE. You can do it! I'm smiling right now so I am typing this as a positive entry. Do not try and find anything negative here.
What you are feeling, experiencing is a normal for a survivor on the path of healing. Do not beat yourself up for it. Sometimes we need to feel the pain of loss,,hate..anger...to appreciate the beauty in love, the warmth of tranquility, and the power of joy.
You've also found the key to getting past those emotions..you're purging them..respecting them for what they are...creating art in the process with your words..
BRAVO!
great job expressing your feelings here, no one can feel them but you and you really hit the nail on the head, sometimes i don't know if i have let go or held on with my feelings, and i just try to feel them as they come.
We each have our own ways of dealing with our feelings.some of use express them as well as you do.
Hi Angel!
I'm 15 and a recovering anorexic and I recently started a blog called Beautiful Without Consequence. (The URL's imstillfighting.blogspot.com) My blog is for ED fighters, and on my blog, we share success stories and inspiration, and periodically I interview Fellow Fighters and Survivors. I came across your blog today, and not only is the layout beautiful and poignant, the content of your blog is amazing! I'm really touched and inspired to keep on going with recovery after reading what you write.
Could I please interview you for my blog and link your website to mine? (Email me at eggbeatenangel@gmail.com)
Thanks so much!
Egg Beaten Angel (I sometimes go by "Angel" too)
P.S. Your artwork is REALLY breathtaking, by the way.
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