Upside Down And Backwards

If I give in, I'm a failure with my greedy wants and needs. I stand in the kitchen, open cupboards, examine the calorie contents of foods that I may allow myself, only to be riddled with guilt for even the thought of eating. Even the oatmeal and banana, which is what I have been subsisting on each day for weeks has become a source of anxiety. Do I really need it? I eat the banana because without the potassium, my hands, feet, and legs cramp up. The symptoms of the eating disorder are reminders that my body needs fuel, and yet I still deny myself. Right now I'm reading a book called "Gaining" The Truth About Life After Eating Disorders, by Aimee Liu, hoping to find some secret to recovery. I read about the turning points of other women with anorexia, but all that most of them say is that they had to reach a point where they were just so tired of the tyrannical voices in their heads. I get tired too, but when will I get too tired? I rarely challenge that voice, instead I agree, I collude, I believe...

"You never come back, not all the way. Always, there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier, thin as the glass of a mirror. You never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and one in another, where everything is upside down and backwards and sad. And so I went through the looking glass, stepped into the nether world, where up is down and food is greed, where convex mirrors cover the walls where death is honour and flesh is weak. It is ever so easy to go.
Harder to find your way back."
~ Marya Hornbacher

These words were written by someone recovered, and I think to myself, "Why...What is the point?" Recovery is elusive, and then once you get there, the voice still whispers, cajoles, and taunts. For reasons unknown, it is important to be thin, to take up as little space as possible, to fly under the radar so that people expect as little from you as possible, because then there is no chance that you will disappoint anyone. Needing food is failure, so I starve, and of course I have convinced myself that I don't matter anyway. I'm fragmented, broken, and unable to be repaired...undeserving of the care that I receive, and yet I ache with the desire to be loved. I get comments here that ask me how I can do this to the people that I love, once again proving that I'm selfish. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt. In the past few weeks the nightmares and flashbacks have subsided with a sweet relief. The eating disorder numbs everything, and I forget how to feel because all that I can focus on is my driven need to control my body. If there wasn't a pay off, I wouldn't be where I am right now. I'm caged inside of a self imposed prison where only I hold the key.

The Wrong Place

I read so many wonderful and inspirational recovery blogs, but I guess that you have come to the wrong place if that is what you were expecting here. Nope, this is the blog of a depressed, anxious, relapsed anorexic woman in her forties, who has no plans to budge from this spot at the moment. I do contemplate the thought of making a change, but I'm so afraid that it's not even funny. I turn all of that fear into the fear of gaining weight, the fear of food, of being seen consuming food. I make it all about the food so that I don't have to focus on anything else. I apologize for not being the most positive, uplifting recovery blog ever. I read those blogs, so there is a part of me that must want to recover. I'm not hiding the fact that I'm struggling from anyone. I'm being completely honest with my treatment team. There is help for me, I'm just not taking advantage of it. Maybe I will just sit here for awhile and dangle my feet off the edge of this cliff.

Unstable

After a sleepless Monday night, yesterday was rough. I felt so wound up, tense, and exhausted that I could barely make it through work. I hadn't eaten all day, and when I did get home from work and actually wanted something to eat, there was nothing in the house. My husband went to the store later, but by then I was past the hunger, so I ended up not eating anything. Food is so hard and complicated right now. I'm rigid in what I will eat, and things that I used to be okay with all of a sudden seem scary. I was at least eating a protein bar for lunch, but now having one seems like too many calories. I feel like I can only eat one item per day, and that would be oatmeal at the moment. I'm on the verge of panic most of the time, and my mind seems to jump all over the place. I can barely hold on to one thought before another one rushes in, and everything feels like it's going so fast. Last night I did get some sleep, but I had a dream that I tried to commit suicide by electrocuting myself. I don't feel suicidal though, so I'm not really worried about it. I'm looking forward to my therapy session tomorrow. My therapist has been out of town and I feel a bit lost when she is gone. I rarely talk to her between sessions, but she is one of my safety nets when I'm feeling unstable, and I've definitely not been my best lately. Well, I guess that is all for now. I hope everyone is having a wonderful week.

Hopeful

I really only have good things to report at this time. Isn't that a nice change from my usual angsty postings? This week at work has been much better. My student in the morning had a great week with very few outbursts of aggression, so that has really helped my mood. Also food this week has been better, especially since my therapy and nutritionist sessions on Wednesday. It has been two days since I've purged. My sessions were intense this week. I talked about some things that I had never brought up before. When I was in grade school and junior high, my mom worked a lot. She was a single mother, and she worked very hard to provide for my brother and I. We would come home from school, and the house would be empty, and I would sit in front of the television and binge on food to fill the time. I think that is why I tend to want to eat by myself, and have a hard time eating with other people. Eating alone makes me feel safe, but it also makes me feel alone and guilty. We often talk in therapy about how the eating disorder is not about the food, but we have come to the conclusion in my case that it is somewhat about the food. The food plays a part in the feelings that are attached to it at the very least. We decided that I would try not to eat alone, and that at dinner time I try to be the first one finished so that I'm not sitting at the dinner table all alone. It has really helped me not to purge my dinner, which was becoming a big problem, so I guess this week I had a therapy breakthrough. Isn't that great?! I am feeling very hopeful at the moment.

Today, Tonight, Tomorrow

Dave went out to get donuts for the boys this morning. Krispy Kreme~ glazed, jelly, and custard filled. Like I'm going to eat any of them! Justice just said, "You can have one, mom. There are three left." I just nod my head at him. What am I going to say? That in my mind a single donut could turn me to blubber in a matter of seconds?
Tonight we are celebrating birthdays. Justice turned 12 on Halloween, Roman will be 11 on Nov. 13th, and Christian turns 17 on Nov. 16th. We just do a big family party all at once since they are all so close together. It will help me to get out of my own head today. I need a vacation from me! I have this strange sudden urge to go and get all of my hair chopped off. Strange...
Today will be filled with food~ Pizza for dinner, cake and ice cream... I will be expected to eat some of it, and I don't think that I can. Already I'm planning in my head... how to avoid the food... It will be hectic and busy with my neices here. That will help.
I'm going to go and shower, and call some of the treatment centers on my list. I wish my nutritionist was in town so that I could ask her which ones she thought were best. I know that she said Renfrew in Philly, so I will definitely call there. I'm nervous about it, so wish me luck!
Much love, and have a wonderful day.

Consumed

I'm consumed by thoughts

of what I'm eating,

or not eating.

Is this smaller?...

Is that bigger?...

Looser...Tighter...

I suppose that is the nature of the disorder.

I use it to distract my mind from more painful

thoughts. It makes me numb and oblivious

to all other feelings. Unfortunately, it also

numbs the good feelings. I just feel dead inside.

I have a husband who is in love with me, and four sons

that I adore. I'm blessed with a beautiful family, and yet

I push everything away to let the sickness take over.