Here and Now

If I give in, I'm a failure with my greedy wants and needs. I stand in the kitchen, open cupboards, examine the calorie contents of foods that I may allow myself, only to be riddled with guilt for even the thought of eating. Even the oatmeal and banana, which is what I have been subsisting on each day for weeks has become a source of anxiety. Do I really need it? I eat the banana because without the potassium, my hands, feet, and legs cramp up. The symptoms of the eating disorder are reminders that my body needs fuel, and yet I still deny myself. Right now I'm reading a book called "Gaining" The Truth About Life After Eating Disorders, by Aimee Liu, hoping to find some secret to recovery. I read about the turning points of other women with anorexia, but all that most of them say is that they had to reach a point where they were just so tired of the tyrannical voices in their heads. I get tired too, but when will I get too tired? I rarely challenge that voice, instead ...

I read so many wonderful and inspirational recovery blogs, but I guess that you have come to the wrong place if that is what you were expecting here. Nope, this is the blog of a depressed, anxious, relapsed anorexic woman in her forties, who has no plans to budge from this spot at the moment. I do contemplate the thought of making a change, but I'm so afraid that it's not even funny. I turn all of that fear into the fear of gaining weight, the fear of food, of being seen consuming food. I make it all about the food so that I don't have to focus on anything else. I apologize for not being the most positive, uplifting recovery blog ever. I read those blogs, so there is a part of me that must want to recover. I'm not hiding the fact that I'm struggling from anyone. I'm being completely honest with my treatment team. There is help for me, I'm just not taking advantage of it. Maybe I will just sit here for awhile and dangle my feet off the edge of this cliff.

After a sleepless Monday night, yesterday was rough. I felt so wound up, tense, and exhausted that I could barely make it through work. I hadn't eaten all day, and when I did get home from work and actually wanted something to eat, there was nothing in the house. My husband went to the store later, but by then I was past the hunger, so I ended up not eating anything. Food is so hard and complicated right now. I'm rigid in what I will eat, and things that I used to be okay with all of a sudden seem scary. I was at least eating a protein bar for lunch, but now having one seems like too many calories. I feel like I can only eat one item per day, and that would be oatmeal at the moment. I'm on the verge of panic most of the time, and my mind seems to jump all over the place. I can barely hold on to one thought before another one rushes in, and everything feels like it's going so fast. Last night I did get some sleep, but I had a dream that I tried to commit suicide by elect...

I really only have good things to report at this time. Isn't that a nice change from my usual angsty postings? This week at work has been much better. My student in the morning had a great week with very few outbursts of aggression, so that has really helped my mood. Also food this week has been better, especially since my therapy and nutritionist sessions on Wednesday. It has been two days since I've purged. My sessions were intense this week. I talked about some things that I had never brought up before. When I was in grade school and junior high, my mom worked a lot. She was a single mother, and she worked very hard to provide for my brother and I. We would come home from school, and the house would be empty, and I would sit in front of the television and binge on food to fill the time. I think that is why I tend to want to eat by myself, and have a hard time eating with other people. Eating alone makes me feel safe, but it also makes me feel alone and guilty. We often talk ...

Dave went out to get donuts for the boys this morning. Krispy Kreme~ glazed, jelly, and custard filled. Like I'm going to eat any of them! Justice just said, "You can have one, mom. There are three left." I just nod my head at him. What am I going to say? That in my mind a single donut could turn me to blubber in a matter of seconds? Tonight we are celebrating birthdays. Justice turned 12 on Halloween, Roman will be 11 on Nov. 13th, and Christian turns 17 on Nov. 16th. We just do a big family party all at once since they are all so close together. It will help me to get out of my own head today. I need a vacation from me! I have this strange sudden urge to go and get all of my hair chopped off. Strange... Today will be filled with food~ Pizza for dinner, cake and ice cream... I will be expected to eat some of it, and I don't think that I can. Already I'm planning in my head... how to avoid the food... It will be hectic and busy with my neices here. That will help....

I'm consumed by thoughts of what I'm eating, or not eating. Is this smaller?... Is that bigger?... Looser...Tighter... I suppose that is the nature of the disorder. I use it to distract my mind from more painful thoughts. It makes me numb and oblivious to all other feelings. Unfortunately, it also numbs the good feelings. I just feel dead inside. I have a husband who is in love with me, and four sons that I adore. I'm blessed with a beautiful family, and yet I push everything away to let the sickness take over.