How You Feel

I am in a strange place in my life, and I'm not even sure if I have the ability to articulate it here. 
Often the reason I write is to help me make better sense of not only this world, but my place within the confusion. 

I haven't written here in a couple of weeks, and at first it was because I wasn't feeling well physically. 

Of course, it is normal for that to carry over into not feeling well emotionally, but that sinking feeling of the blues can be terrifying for someone prone to depression and anxiety. 

My yoga practice is how 

I center myself, and how I reconnect physically and emotionally, but my body was too tired. 

I easily fall into a self-critical thought pattern, and I decided that just because my physical practice was on hiatus, I could still meditate. 

That would be my yoga practice...

I still have so much to learn! 

The problem with sitting in a silent meditation for me, with only my breath, is that I dissociate. 

I'm a pro at leaving my body, so that was not working. 

Instead of using an alternative, I berated myself for not being able to meditate "right." 

I asked a friend from teacher's training, who specializes in meditation, and also happens to be a psychologist, if I should continue to keep trying. 

Even though in my heart, I knew I should find an alternative, like guided meditation, I needed someone else to tell me it was okay, and she did. 
I don't  have to be perfect. 
I need joy to teach yoga, but joy was missing. I get stuck in a feeling, and fear that it will last forever. 
I'm definitely not the most rational person in the world. 
I talk the talk, but I do not always walk the walk. 

I should mention that one by one, our boys are moving out. 
Every morning, I walk by empty bedrooms, and although I love that they are moving toward independence, it is different...

I will be 50 in August...
am I even a grown up? 
I'm still working on that, so it feels incongruous with reality. 
I'm taking my sweet time...
I want everything! 
I want to take care of myself, but to be coddled, and it changes from moment to moment. 

Is this how you feel?

Do you feel like your heart is breaking from joy and pain, and that you don't even know the difference?

Do you? 

What is Real?

What is Real?

I am so cold on the inside

that I expect to see my breath as I exhale

but I do not

"What is real?"

"Am I frozen?"

...and so it goes

around and around

as I circle myself like a hawk

ready to dive bomb its prey

the questions creating space

continuing to run further and further

away from the truth

into my own outstretched arms

these arms

withholding comfort

pinching flesh with disgust

avoiding my own gaze

your gaze...

Without knowing

we refuse to see

but the ice is crystalline

magnifying each tormented thought

and what was once numb

ignites

I am so hot on the inside

that I expect to see flames as I exhale

burning flesh

but I do not

"What is real?"

Angela Minard 2016©

"Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice. 

From what I've tasted of desire, I hold with those who favor fire. 

But if it had to perish twice 

I think I know enough of hate 

To say that for destruction ice is also great 

And would suffice." 

~ Robert Frost