Friday, March 11, 2016

How You Feel

I am in a strange place in my life, and I'm not even sure if I have the ability to articulate it here. 
Often the reason I write is to help me make better sense of not only this world, but my place within the confusion. 
I haven't written here in a couple of weeks, and at first it was because I wasn't feeling well physically. 
Of course, it is normal for that to carry over into not feeling well emotionally, but that sinking feeling of the blues can be terrifying for someone prone to depression and anxiety. 
My yoga practice is how 
I center myself, and how I reconnect physically and emotionally, but my body was too tired. 
I easily fall into a self-critical thought pattern, and I decided that just because my physical practice was on hiatus, I could still meditate. 
That would be my yoga practice...
I still have so much to learn! 
The problem with sitting in a silent meditation for me, with only my breath, is that I dissociate. 
I'm a pro at leaving my body, so that was not working. 
Instead of using an alternative, I berated myself for not being able to meditate "right." 
I asked a friend from teacher's training, who specializes in meditation, and also happens to be a psychologist, if I should continue to keep trying. 
Even though in my heart, I knew I should find an alternative, like guided meditation, I needed someone else to tell me it was okay, and she did. 
I don't  have to be perfect. 
I need joy to teach yoga, but joy was missing. I get stuck in a feeling, and fear that it will last forever. 
I'm definitely not the most rational person in the world. 
I talk the talk, but I do not always walk the walk. 
I should mention that one by one, our boys are moving out. 
Every morning, I walk by empty bedrooms, and although I love that they are moving toward independence, it is different...
I will be 50 in August...
am I even a grown up? 
I'm still working on that, so it feels incongruous with reality. 
I'm taking my sweet time...
I want everything! 
I want to take care of myself, but to be coddled, and it changes from moment to moment. 
Is this how you feel?
Do you feel like your heart is breaking from joy and pain, and that you don't even know the difference?
Do you? 


Eve said...

I so hear you right now! All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. Anatole France
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Porsche944 said...

Angela, I can truly say I fully understand what you are going through because we each walk a different path, and though our paths may intersect and continue side by side no one but yourself really knows the pains and joy you feel daily, weekly, yearly.... Like you silence in any form lets my mind wonder and run, sometimes into dark places I don't like and sometimes into joyous places I never want to leave, I handle each one with the same reasoning...My life as confusing and sometimes as chaotic has touched so many people and changed so may lives, I know I am not perfect, far from it..But each day I try my hardest to be what I need to be for myself and only myself because working and doing for any other reason will only damage and disappoint you in the end... You have been through so much pain and so much trauma it is hard sometimes to let yourself be imperfect and or irrational but we all are, everyone of us. I also watched my 2 children move on, get married, have kids, develop futures for themselves...We as parents can only hope that they will still have time for us in their busy adult lives..Just as our parents did when we started down the path we are on...You are a great person, and I have cherished the friendship we have developed. I knew something was on your mind, but I also know when to let a person rationalize for themselves without interference..The answers you seek are in you, and you will come to them in time, just don't forget the people around you love you and want to support you anyway they can....Be safe, keep smiling..You are in my thoughts daily...

Meghan@kspokerwife said...

I struggle with meditation so I started using th app headspace to help guide me through meditation and keep me focused.

You will find your solid ground! You are strength!

Angela said...

Thank you all for your comments, and all of the love and support. Change is difficult. Grieving the past is something I haven't allowed, so it hurts. I'm not great at sitting with my grieving self. I use guided meditations all the time, and love them, but for some reason I was criticizing myself for not being able to just sit, without guidance. Silly!