Do, Not Try

I'm consistently filled with worries that play on a loop going around in circles in my mind. Sometimes I get stuck on one, and it repeats over and over, becoming larger and larger, until I have blown it way out of proportion. I found out yesterday at work that I have to take a pre-assessment test over all of the topics we have covered this year in our classes. I'm not good at tests, and we have covered a lot of information this year. It does me no good to worry, and yet I do. Last night I did some of the visualizations that I learned in therapy, and I actually fell asleep while doing it. I was proud of myself for applying what I had learned. It helps if I can slow my thoughts down,but of course the worry is back today. I will study, and do the best that I can with the test. That is all that I can do. There...feeling better all ready. I have to remember that I have control over all of the thoughts, good and bad. I can choose a more positive path. Here are some good thoughts for today~ The sun is shining. I'm spending the day with my husband. I'm going to my first hockey game. Everyone in my family is healthy. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't laugh with my children. I have unlimited support and love surrounding me. Now, if I can hold on to these thoughts throughout my day, I will consider myself successful. Do, not try, is my motto for the day.

Working Hard

I often find myself clenching my teeth together throughout the day, and my jaws have been aching. I think it is mostly from stress and anxiety at work. My days seem to be getting better though. The student that I'm working with has shown some mild improvements, so hopefully the positive behavior supports are starting to work. He still wears me out! I had a nice compliment from a co-worker today. She said that she was impressed by how patient I am, and that made me feel really good because he is trying to wear me down, and I don't always feel so patient. It helps that I have been trying to eat more. I don't feel as depressed and hopeless as I was feeling a few weeks ago. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and I'm back on all of my medications, so I'm sure that will also help with the depression and anxiety. I think that there is a part of me that is so scared to get better and let go of the eating disorder. What if I can't cope without it is what I think to myself. It's been my safety net for so long. I'm also constantly worried about losing my husband. He is my most important safe place, and I rely on him for so many things. I feel like the eating disorder is a shield from all of that pain. I know that I need to find other ways to cope. The problem is that I know that the ED works. My therapist is always telling me that it is a choice, and that I can always choose to go back to it if I feel like other coping skills aren't working. I'm sure that her theory is that once I actually find other coping skills, I won't need the ED anymore. I'm going to work on treating myself with more kindness. I tend to tell myself that I don't deserve to take care of myself, and that I don't even deserve to live. I try to avoid the very fact that this eating disorder is a slow form of suicide, but it is, and I honestly don't want to die and leave all of the people that I love. Of course, I can also beat myself up over how selfish I am. At times my self loathing feels like a vicious cycle, and I can easily get defeated.

I'm working on it. I'm working hard.

Unrest

I should be in bed sleeping right now. My body is tired, but my mind is unable to rest. It was a rough afternoon at work with students. I keep replaying the days events in my mind, and wondering in what ways we can make it better. The staff in our classroom is so wonderful and caring, but we are all still getting to know the kids, and there are definitely some challenging behaviors that we are having to deal with. Everyone has their own opinions and ideas, and unfortunately we don't have the time to discuss these in the middle of a child's meltdown. Last week seems to have been the honeymoon period in our classroom, and now all hell is breaking loose;-) I'm glad that I was able to get so much rest this weekend. It is looking like I will need it this week. By the way, I love my job and I'm lucky to have a job, so I'm not complaining at all. I only worry when it feels like we are failing to recognize a child's needs. We just have to learn what those needs are, and I guess I'm not very patient! Here's to the hope that we will learn more tomorrow.