Here and Now

A few years ago I spent Thanksgiving far from my family in an eating disorder treatment facility. I was alone, sick, afraid, and after suffering from anorexia for so many years, I was tired. I remember sitting at the long dining tables meal after meal, with women and young girls who were terrified of food, terrified of taking up too much space, and terrified of their own feelings. We would be awakened every morning around 5:00 a.m., waiting for a turn to stand on the scale and be weighed, shivering in our thin hospital gowns, dread growling in our bellies. I wanted to get well, and I did not want to get well. They would tell us that it wasn't about the weight, or the food, but I did not learn that there. In treatment it IS all about the weight you gain and the food you consume. My body came home healthier, but it has taken my mind a lot longer to heal, and I'm still walking along the recovery road. Sometimes I take a detour onto hazardous pat...

  I Talk I talk around it... They with their breath steaming against my skin while you look at me a subject to ponder with your partner over dinner I'm pity I'm a paycheck a call in the middle of the night I'm rancid anger and yes, I hate you over and over again hanging up and calling back until the throbbing voices shut up Shut up! You make them shut up I talk around it... They with their breath hissing in my ear cryptically written scrawled in journals and poems hands, hands, hands mouths, mouths, mouths words, words, words while you look at me unraveling my pain I'm a wound I'm disease to only you I speak listening to my screams and yes, I hate you over and over again Angela Minard 2012©

"My tears are like the quiet drift of petals from some magic rose; And all my grief flows from the rift of unremembered skies and snows. I think, that if I touched the earth, it would crumble; It is so sad and beautiful, so tremulously like a dream." ~Dylan Thomas   Every time I feel as if I'm going to choke, I'm driven to write, although often times my fingers hover over the keyboard for hours before the words can come. After some really productive therapy sessions, and getting closer to my feelings than ever before, this week I dreaded going. I walked in to her office, my feelings so close to the surface that I felt flushed, my heart racing, and fear gripping my body. I realized that the vocabulary my body was using was telling me that I was angry, and recognizing that feeling sent me running. I joked my way through the session, using humor to distance myself from the fear. My therapist saw through the whole thing, and although I can talk about things that ...

The Dark Side Of A Butterfly She was like the dark side of a butterfly hiding from the wind her wings pinned by the fear of flight Hanging, hanging... the world turned upside down surrounded inside of the silky blackness holding the warm breath deep into her lungs The cracks of light seeping through the dark her strength cutting the crystalline brightness Pushing, pushing... until at last she was free Angela Minard 2012©

"I am not my thoughts, emotions, sense perceptions, and experiences. I am not the content of my life. I am life. I am the space in which all things happen. I am consciousness. I am the Now.... I Am"   ~ Eckhart Tolle I thought this quote went really well on my blog, as it is something that I need to remind myself of everyday. Being present and living in the moment can be difficult for me, but when I do remember, life is definitely better. I have less anxiety, sadness, worry, and fear; most of which is caused by living in the past or thinking too much about the future. The future is something that is beyond my control for the most part. I can work towards accomplishing my goals, and have dreams, but I can't worry about the rest. I can only work at being the best person that I can be. I'm going to strive to live each moment as if it is the last, and remember that everything I do and everyone I touch is important and serves a purpose. I've b...

The Heart Of A Warrior   The time bomb of anger roars choking on the voice you have never allowed yourself Trapped in the spaces of silence the imploding pain gnaws in your belly Outside of rage there is the freedom to let go of what holds you hostage It begins with a whisper in the stillness hearing the words you could never say... "I can feel" Inside of your soul beats the heart of a warrior Angela Minard 2012©