Friday, November 9, 2012

Permission To Feel

"I am not my thoughts, emotions, sense perceptions, and experiences.
I am not the content of my life.
I am life.
I am the space in which all things happen.
I am consciousness.
I am the Now....
I Am"
~ Eckhart Tolle

I thought this quote went really well on my blog, as it is something that I need to remind myself of everyday. Being present and living in the moment can be difficult for me, but when I do remember, life is definitely better. I have less anxiety, sadness, worry, and fear; most of which is caused by living in the past or thinking too much about the future. The future is something that is beyond my control for the most part. I can work towards accomplishing my goals, and have dreams, but I can't worry about the rest. I can only work at being the best person that I can be. I'm going to strive to live each moment as if it is the last, and remember that everything I do and everyone I touch is important and serves a purpose.
I've been having some amazing and eye opening therapy sessions lately. Last week my therapist asked me what yoga pose made me feel strong, and I immediately said Warrior II pose. She asked me to do the pose in her office while also making an "I" statement about anger. I did the pose while saying, "I can allow myself to be angry, and it is okay." I know it sounds kind of corny, but after about 6 times saying it, I really began to believe it, and I could hear my voice getting stronger and louder each time. Last night we did the same thing, but with a different pose and an "I" statement. I chose triangle pose because it makes me feel strong, but also free. "I am free to be me," I repeated over and over. What does that mean to me? It means letting go of being the person that I think everyone wants me to be, and in doing that, finding myself in the process. I get caught up in worry over making a mistake or people not liking me if I say how I feel. It is exhausting to live that way because I'm constantly replaying every moment of my life to see where I went wrong, and then beating myself up if I think I screwed up. There is freedom in saying, "screw it," instead of "I screwed up" all of the time.  Whatever emotions that I'm feeling, I'm trying to give myself the permission to feel them and to tell myself that it is perfectly okay. I'm used to talking myself out of my feelings instead of acknowledging them, and it is scary because my fear has always been that the feelings will be "too much." I'm learning that I can tolerate the feelings and be with them without feeling like I have to try to fix or change them. I told my therapist that I can't believe she gets me to do some of the things that she asks me to try in therapy, but I'm stepping outside of my comfort zone, and I feel safe enough to do that with her. It's not easy, but I'm willing to try just about anything to heal, and it finally feels to me like I'm making progress. It's been a long time coming! 


Sia Jane said...

I know I have been slow to read, and respond, and as always, I am blown away by your words and poetry, and equally by your reflections. Keep fighting the good fight. You are amazing <3