Here and Now

Another early morning, and the battle between my mind and my body begins. Again. I have every intention of giving up some of the behaviors that just fuel my downward spiral. I am too ashamed to even say what those behaviors are, and I'm definitely not proud of the things that I have done in order to hide from myself. I spent almost my entire life with the secret shame of being raped. When I let go of that secret, I almost felt as if I were mourning the loss of something that I held very dear. I felt so exposed that I began to find other secrets that I could keep. A way to keep something for just myself, and a way to distance myself from the very people that I trusted enough to tell. Who will be there to catch me when I fall? I want to believe and trust that I won't be abandoned, but I haven't been able to take that leap of faith. The secrets must end if I am to survive, and I do believe that I can let go of them. I am going to be honest in saying that right now I am activel...

I am so filled with emotion and struggling with the placement of it all. What to do with it... Where does it belong? Feelings are just so hard for me to deal with in a healthy way, without using behaviors to cope with them. I'm drinking, or starving, numbing myself in some way, and although I know this is unhealthy, the alternative is to actually feel the pain. I just don't feel ready to sit with it though. I'm such a coward. When will I be ready? I fear the suffocation of my soul.