Sometimes I Win

Last night, I was afraid...afraid to feel, to be alone, with only the negative voice in my head to contend with. I won though...that voice did not win. After I dropped the boys off at football practice, I used every tool that I could think of, not to do something damaging and self destructive. I came home, I wrote out my feelings, and as I was writing, my mom called on the phone. It was wonderful to hear her voice, and know that she arrived home safely. I also decided to call my best friend who I hadn't talked to in a while, and we made plans to get together this weekend. I was still feeling a bit anxious, so I put in my headphones, listened to some music, and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Even though I had already walked earlier, I felt it was the least destructive out of some of the other activities that I could have picked. I felt so much better after that, picked up the boys, and by that time, Dave was home, and I had made it through my anxiety. Yesterday, I was going to paint, but I couldn't find the paint that I wanted to use. My mom told me where it was, so today, that is what I'm going to do. That is one thing about my mom coming to visit. She organizes my house so well, that I have to call her to tell me where she put everything! I love you, mom<3>

Ravenous

I have this strangely ravenous feeling, and I'm not sure that I quite understand it all. It isn't hunger, though I feel as if I could eat everything in sight right now. It is a very scary and out of control feeling, which is why I am here writing about it, instead of eating my way through the kitchen cabinets. I just dropped both of the younger boys off at football practice, and Dave is out playing golf. I feel so self conscious around other parents, and that is just my own insecurity talking, but I never feel as if I measure up...though to what I'm not sure. Anyway, I came home, and feel so out of control. I used to cut myself when I felt this way...that feeling that I'm not good enough, and it just builds and builds, until I have to have some way to release it, by either eating, throwing up, or cutting. Those are all horrible options, and I wish that Dave or someone was home , but they're not, so it is just me with these awful feelings of disgust and self hatred.

Helping A Friend

A good friend that I used to work with called me and we were chatting on the phone and decided to go out for a few drinks and catch up. We were having a really nice time, and then she started asking me questions about my eating disorder. She then told me that she was very concerned about her sixteen year old daughter who is cutting, and also hasn't been eating and is losing a signifigant amount of weight. I told her that I too used to be a cutter, and gave her the name of my psychologist and nutritionist. She was just so heartbroken, sick, and terrified for her daughter, and also trying to understand why someone would starve or harm themselves in any way. She asked me so many questions, but I could just see in her eyes that she couldn't understand it. I'm so glad that she came to me to get some help for her daughter, and also for herself. I hope that both of them will be able to get the help that they need before it gets too out of control. I can't even imagine how I would feel if my child was struggling with so much pain. I often wonder how my eating disorder affects my children. Although I know that boys can also suffer with eating disorders, I think that if I had girls, I really would have screwed them up. Adolescent girls are so triggering for me. Somebody upstairs knew what they were doing when they blessed me with boys!