Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Sometimes I Win

Last night, I was afraid...afraid to feel, to be alone, with only the negative voice in my head to contend with. I won though...that voice did not win. After I dropped the boys off at football practice, I used every tool that I could think of, not to do something damaging and self destructive. I came home, I wrote out my feelings, and as I was writing, my mom called on the phone. It was wonderful to hear her voice, and know that she arrived home safely. I also decided to call my best friend who I hadn't talked to in a while, and we made plans to get together this weekend. I was still feeling a bit anxious, so I put in my headphones, listened to some music, and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Even though I had already walked earlier, I felt it was the least destructive out of some of the other activities that I could have picked. I felt so much better after that, picked up the boys, and by that time, Dave was home, and I had made it through my anxiety. Yesterday, I was going to paint, but I couldn't find the paint that I wanted to use. My mom told me where it was, so today, that is what I'm going to do. That is one thing about my mom coming to visit. She organizes my house so well, that I have to call her to tell me where she put everything! I love you, mom<3>


Anonymous said...

From a concerned reader who has a medical background: Anorexia nervosa causes more deaths than any other psychiatric illness, mostly through suicide and cardiac arrhythmias. This is a chronic illness and must be treated for the rest of your life. You can never be "healed" from an eating disorder. The concern is that people with ED's often become very self-consumed with the attention that they get and come to depend on that. To leave all of the questions, concerns, daily attention, constant notice and interest circling around them is hard to give up. They like the spotlight this disease gives them and will often want to keep the symptoms alive so as not to lose the attention from everyone around them. Be careful.

Carrie Arnold said...


Um, ouch! I know lots of people who have fully recovered- and I'm nearly there myself. I know that I will always have to *manage my recovery* but that is a far far cry from *managing my illness*.

And anorexia is a neurobiological illness, based in a combination of one's genes and life experiences. I have NEVER met someone doing it or continuing their illness, just for "attention." You would do well to read the papers by Walt Kaye, Cynthia Bulik, Daniel LeGrange, and James Lock. Just do a PubMed search- it might help some of the advice you hand out.

Anonymous said...

Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Once an addict, always an addict. You are never "healed" of these diseases. You will ALWAYS have to MANAGE YOUR ILLNESS. That is not unlike an eating disorder. People trying to "recover" from an ED will ALWAYS have a different view point of this disease than someone in the medical field. I have done plenty of research and reading and counseling ED patients. MY OPINION remains firm.

Waterrose said...

Angel, congratulations on using the distractions to help you through. Just like everything else, it is one day at a time and sometimes a moment at a time. YOu should be very proud that instead of taking an easier route you CHOSE to do things that are less easy for you. Hugs to you.