Here and Now

I feel like I'm a snake, shedding its skin, and everything feels strange and new. It doesn't quite fit yet, and I'm attempting to settle into my new home. I've had some sad, down in my gut wrenching moments this week. I had therapy on Wednesday, and I went in there feeling out of sorts, unsure of what was causing me the pain that I had been feeling since Sunday. We talked through my week, and I realized that sometimes I feel cheated because my family is so far away. I missed being with my mom on Mother's Day, and really wished she had come for a quick visit. There is an empty space that sometimes needs to be filled by being around the people who have known you all of your life...Who still love in you in spite of your faults, and understand how you have come to be the person that you are. I have my husband and my boys, but because my mom and I shared a closeness, and literally grew up together in many ways, that bond is impossible to replace with anything or anyone e...

Life feels so amazing and beautiful today, as if everything is filled with a golden light. The colors I see seem brighter, my heart flutters like a butterly’s wings, and the world spins around in a whirl of dizzying emotions. I’m a child turning in circles, and then falling down to the ground, the clouds flying above me. Good Things Of The Day~ I went to my youngest son, Roman’s basketball game, and his team won. He played awesome, and I’m proud of him. Watching him out there makes me nervous though. I sit on the edge of my seat, with my hands sweating :-) I have laughed so much with my boys. (I have four) They bring me so much joy.(most of the time) I talked with my mom on the phone this morning. It was nice to talk to her, and update her on all of the boys antics and activities. I also talk to her about my worries and concerns. It feels good to have someone besides my husband who listens and cares. I love you, Mom! I don’t hate my body today. I actually feel comfortable in my own ski...

Last night, I was afraid...afraid to feel, to be alone, with only the negative voice in my head to contend with. I won though...that voice did not win. After I dropped the boys off at football practice, I used every tool that I could think of, not to do something damaging and self destructive. I came home, I wrote out my feelings, and as I was writing, my mom called on the phone. It was wonderful to hear her voice, and know that she arrived home safely. I also decided to call my best friend who I hadn't talked to in a while, and we made plans to get together this weekend. I was still feeling a bit anxious, so I put in my headphones, listened to some music, and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Even though I had already walked earlier, I felt it was the least destructive out of some of the other activities that I could have picked. I felt so much better after that, picked up the boys, and by that time, Dave was home, and I had made it through my anxiety. Yesterday, I was going...

My mom and I are getting ready to paint the rec room today, and then we will be finished with all of the painting. I can't get over how fresh and clean everything looks. I'm so glad that she came to help me with all of this. I know that I wouldn't have even been able to get started without her. We took the weekend off, and had a really nice time. My mom and I went to the movies on Saturday. We saw "Mamma Mia" , and it was really good. It made us laugh and cry. I would definitely recommend it, even to men. It is not just a chick flick! After the movie we brought home pizza, drank wine, and it was a very relaxing evening. On Sunday, I woke up really early in the morning, which is a good time for me to write, so I worked on a poem, and drank a ton of coffee. I took a nap, early in the afternoon, and then we all went to the movies to see "Iron Man" , which I really wasn't very excited to see, but then I loved it. It was a very enjoyable weekend, and now...

My mom is in town from Florida to help me organize my life, and I am so grateful. This fog of depression that I have been living under left me with little motivation or energy for much beyond going to work, and the necessities of daily living. I was too overwhelmed to even begin to tackle the mess that my house had become, and now that summer school is finished, with my mom's help, I can start digging myself out from under all of the rubble. I can feel my medication slowly beginning to kick back in, and hope is reappearing. We have been busy cleaning today, and having my mom nearby has been very calming. Sometimes it is only a mother who can make everything feel better, and I know how lucky I am to have her love and patience.

Yesterday my mom and I spent the whole afternoon shopping, and we had so much fun! It has been wonderful to spend time together. I isolated myself from everyone before I went in for treatment. It is nice to be able to reconnect, and to feel joy again. My mom bought me some new clothes, and we had a good time trying things on together. It feels great to laugh again. We went to a store called Notions and Potions that has a lot of fairy stuff, and my mom bought me a beautiful fairy figurine. I love it! This morning there was a gentle rain here, and we sat on the back porch, near the burning fire pit and had our breakfast and coffee. Very relaxing! Today we are going to St. Augustines for more shopping, and we will stay to see the Christmas lights in the evening. Hope everyone has a beautiful day:)