Here and Now

Yesterday, after I came home from work, I had a talk with my husband. Mostly he talked, while I nodded, and mumbled that I was sorry. I am sorry that I have been distant, and that when the going gets tough, I check out. I think one thing he said really sticks out in my mind. He said he was afraid that he was going to end up yelling at me. The thought of that terrifies me. I mean it literally makes me feel sick to my stomach, which is probably why I'm writing this blog post at 3:00 a.m. I have so many negative thoughts about myself running through my head, that I can't even keep up with them. I don't know what else to say here. I feel the panic rising, the racing heart, shallow breath, the echo that I will never be good enough. It has taken me almost an hour to write these words. I keep thinking that if I write, I will find some kind of answer, some way to fix myself. This is all that I can write for now.

Sometimes when I feel wrapped in silence, like a butterfly trapped in a cocoon, I try to remember that I always find freedom, emerging stronger than before. I sort of fell off the face of the earth this weekend, sleeping the days away. I think my mind needs a rest from the chaos of my thoughts. This morning I felt ready to face the world. Work has been really challenging and during the day it is a good distraction. I need to focus on my goals to move me forward, and to be more of a participant in my own life. I can't shut people out when I'm feeling lost. My therapist said that she feels me pulling away from her, and my husband has said the same thing. I'm so afraid of losing people, that sometimes it is like I want to be the one who leaves first, as if I won't be hurt as much that way. I want to let go of this fear, and to trust. I think that losing my best friend this year has played a big part in how I'm feeling. I'm still grieving the loss, and maybe I alwa...

"Recovery involves being visible. Ending isolation and coming out from behind a barrier that blocks you from life itself."~Joanne Poppink This quote really resonates with me because I've always thought of my eating disorder as a way to hide, disappearing from the world, and not only from the world, but from myself. The emergence has been slow, but here I am, in a place I've never really been before. I've always lived inside of my head. I was a quiet, anxious child, even before being raped, and although as I grew older the shyness improved, I was still wary of life and easily overwhelmed. This week I'm hurting, and when I hurt, I want to run far away, withdrawing from everyone. Teenagers are difficult to raise, and both my husband and I are stressed and worried. His reaction is anger, and mine is to close myself off. This does not make for good team work. Sunday night, instead of exploding, he decided to get away to cool off, but he did not tell me that he was...

Art by Margareta Jungerth Boo I don't know if I talked here much about body memories, but I have them, and they are even difficult for me to understand. Researchers have noted that a trauma is stored in somatic memory and expressed as changes in the biological stress response. This means that sexual abuse is a traumatic experience and that the memory of it can be stored in your physical body. I experience body memories with pelvic pain, and painful jaws from oral intercourse. I will often awaken from a nightmare physically feeling as if the abuse has just occured. This comes out everyday with jaw clenching, chewing the insides of my mouth, and uncontrolled tightening of my pelvic muscles, as if I'm waiting for the assault. It took me a long time to talk about this. I felt as if I was crazy, but when I brought it up to my trauma therapist, he was so understanding, and he explained that the pain is real. This has been one of the most difficult parts of my recovery. On top of t...

Swimming Home It was as if suddenly I felt your love and so I came swimming home muddy water dripping from my hands the key slipping into the unlocked door Crawling beneath your skin drawing your breath into my lungs there is comfort in the familiar our pasts intertwined Within these silences meant to keep you away always protecting you from my pain drowning in a pool of darkness Swimming alone In my dreams I can hear her cries the ghost of a girl calling me Looking into my own eyes I can finally see and reaching out to save myself I find my way back to you Angela Minard 2012©

"I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger than reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into marvelous, I let go. Reality does not impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls." ~Anais Nin Oh, yes to all of this!

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours." ~ Ayn Rand I think we need to recognize that we are all heroes, although we don't often realize it. It takes courage to change, to know that we can make a difference, and the impact we have on the lives of others. This weekend a friends daughter was almost hospitalized for depression and suicidal thoughts. I went over to talk to her because she was refusing to see a therapist, and resistant to medication. After talking with her, and telling her my story, I think she agreed to seeing my therapist. It felt so good to help, and it was a very powerful feeling. I haven't a...

I Can Hear The heat is like ice searing my skin white hot, blue fire reaching out to touch already singed, I back away returning for more The flames flicker in your eyes mesmerized, I know I cannot turn away It doesn't hurt I'm immune Let the needle pierce my vein We play this game You will say I'm the leader but the truth is... I follow, always... Let me follow I'm waiting Call my name again out loud Only I can hear you Only I can hear... Angela Minard 2012©

I Am I felt the sand, the dust from the sea obscuring my vision, the flapping wings overhead, the dizzying view Time is the movement of sky, a final inhalation before sinking below I am the pull, the tug of darkness as you breathe me in the rest of the world slipping away. I am the harbor in which you cling, paralyzed with fear, and you are afraid to let me go I will not cry out or beg I am not a choice to be made I am the horizon in the distance your solace in the storm of confusion if only you could see what I see Angela Minard 2012©

Happy New Year!!! I'm not making any resolutions for the year. Everyday is a day to set new intentions, and make a fresh start. I can't believe this blog is almost five years old. These are the words of my first post on June 13th, 2007~ "I'm so tired right now. Tired of hiding from myself. I want peace. I want to take back what was mine. My body. My soul. My life... I remember that time as if it was yesterday, and yet it also feels so far away. I am taking back my life, and it feels good! I wish you all peace, joy, and acceptance for this new year. Sending all my love...