A Little At A Time

My dad called me yesterday, and left me a message on my phone, wishing me a happy birthday. The last time he called it was to know if he could come over and bring me tomatoes. I don't return the calls, but my heart is not frozen. I do care, and every time I don't respond, I wonder if it is the right thing to do. I have found forgiveness, but the trust has to be earned, and by not letting him in, I'm not giving him that chance. I go back and forth in my mind. Yesterday he sent me a friend request on Facebook, and I accepted it. I also sent him a message and thanked him for calling and wishing me a happy birthday. I'm thinking that I will just take this slow and careful. I don't like how I feel every time I ignore his attempts at contact. Maybe I can try to open up my heart a little bit at a time.

What A Concept

I had a lovely weekend, and although I didn't want it to end, so far, my Monday has been great. I haven't been hit, kicked, bit, yelled at, or spit on, so I'm definitely not complaining. For all of my whining, I'm very thankful to even have a job!

I'm doing really well when it comes to eating. I'm getting used to the small snacks, and I'm never hungry or too full. Being full upsets me, but for some reason now, being hungry is just as anxiety provoking. This surprises me, because I used to thrive on the empty, numb feeling that hunger provided. I'm excited to see my nutritionist so I can update her on my progress. I also want to see if my weight has changed even though I'm eating more. My clothes feel the same, so I think I'm good, but I want proof. Of course, if I've gained, that will be entirely another thing. It would be so wonderful to be able to stop seeing my nutritionist, or at least move to once a month visits. Thinking that one day I will be better is a concept that has always been difficult for me to grasp. The idea is starting to sink in that recovery is possible for me. It has been a long time coming!

A Birthday Post

Today is my birthday. It has been good. Dave played golf, but we are going out to dinner after he is finished. I went to yoga, and then spent the afternoon at my friends pool. I'm trying to hold on to the summer. I love the warmth and the sun so much. I'll be honest, I'm 45...holy shit...45!!! When do you start feeling your age. Never I hope.

A Change In Eating

This is my first day of eating small snacks throughout the day, and it went well. I also ate breakfast, which almost never happens. I'm eating everything in the car, but that is okay, since I don't like eating in front of people. That is a hurdle I will jump at another time. I feel really good, and surprisingly, not at all guilty. They were small snacks, but I didn't get the ravenous feeling like I did all of last week, and I had tons more energy. It's a no brainer for most people, but so difficult for someone who has definite rules about how many times they can eat during the day, which in my case was once. I have a busy evening, and feel like I have energy instead of feeling exhausted when I get home. I have errands to do, a kid to drive around, and then I'm off to yoga. I just wanted to share my news:)

The Big Picture

“Many survivors struggle with anxiety attacks. Anxiety is what you experience when you’re overwhelmed by your emotions, your memories, or when something in your environment reminds you of old feelings of terror or of being trapped. You may actually be reliving what you experienced as a child or you may be trying to push feelings and memories away.” Courage to Heal Workbook by Laura Davis

Saturdays are a wondrous, glorious thing, especially after a long first week back at work. I've been struggling a bit here, doing great a bit there, so all around, when I look at the big picture, I'm really okay. My anxiety level has been high, partly due to an aggressive student, and partly because I have a new fear about driving. I've always tended to have panic attacks in the car because it makes me feel trapped and out of control. I've been afraid that other people are going to hit me, or I'm going to swerve into oncoming traffic. I think a lot of it is because at work, there is the constant fear that I'm going to be hit or have things thrown at me. My adrenaline is pumping as soon as I get up in the morning. The other thing that is making me crazy is that I feel hungry all of the time. From the time that I get up until I collapse at the end of the day, I feel like I'm in constant motion. I'm exerting a lot of energy at work, I eat a protein bar on the way to my second school, and then I go straight to yoga. I need more food in my day, and I'm scared to add it, but to function, I have to. I saw my nutritionist on Thursday. We talked about how great it is that I'm feeling the hunger instead of ignoring it. Actually, she said it is awesome, but it doesn't feel awesome at all. It is scary! I'm afraid that I will become a bottomless pit, greedy and starving all of the time. I've decided that I will pack more snacks in my purse. I don't really have much time to sit down and eat them, but I will just try to fit them in when I can, which means that I may have to eat in front of other people. My nutritionist rarely weighs me anymore, but this time she had me get on the scale. I never ask the number, but only if I've gained or lost. She said I had lost, and really stressed that I need to increase my intake due to my activity level. I'm going to do it because the constant hunger is a horrible feeling. It makes me wonder how I ever did this, and of course part of me thinks that I'm just not as good at being anorexic as I used to be. Last night I ate most of a hamburger that my husband had grilled, and it was actually a relief to have the hunger gone. I've come a long way from not even recognizing when I was hungry. It is one more step in the right direction.

Sia~ Breathe Me

A friend shared this on our blog Cycle Of Healing, and I love this song so much that I wanted to share.

Breathe Me

"Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small

I'm needy

Warm me up

And breathe me"

Life Is But A Dream

Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear.

Nothing is as it seems.

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.

There has been a surreal quality to the day...as if the morning seems very far away. It began with the sky a sea of rolling grey waves, the growling voice of thunder muffled beneath the clouds. Now, in the late afternoon, as I raise the window shades in our kitchen, the light surprises me, and I wonder where I have been. I don't mean that I can't remember where I have actually been, because I do. I know that I have been at home. I've observed my fingers as they tap along the keys on my laptop, and I've watched my hands quickly folding laundry, piling it in stacks to put away. I've seen my mouth moving as I speak, listening to my words as if they are coming from a great distance. Sometimes in the middle of my life, I feel as if I'm in a dream, and then I awaken, but it is okay, and I'm safely inside the normalcy of daily living. I'm always grateful to return. It is his absence that pulls me back, as the hollow sound of the door gently closes behind him.

Intentions

Today was my first day back at work. I have the same placement as last year, which is good. Change can be difficult for me, whether good or bad. I'm working with a 7th grader, and then I will be in an autism classroom with kindergarten/1st graders, which is fun and also can be exhausting.

I will miss my morning yoga classes, and will have to move back to evenings, but that is okay. I plan on getting up early enough to do a little bit before I go to work like I did this morning. I'm addicted! I've even taken to burning incense at home to recreate the yoga studio atmosphere. It calms me...what can I say:) I can't thank my parents enough for giving me the opportunity to take classes. It really has helped me so much with peace of mind and setting intentions for each day. I'm intent on healing, on being a better person, accepting things that I cannot change, and gratitude for what I have. I feel so much better inhabiting this body that I have been given, and treating it with more respect than I ever have before. That is not to say that I'm not still struggling, because everyday I have a fight with myself over eating. Should I, shouldn't I, what, when, etc... It drives me crazy. I do worry about my weight, and get stuck on wanting to lose more, but it's not quite the obsession that it used to be. I want to say that I have every hope of recovering, but as my nutritionist likes to say, "Hope doesn't make it happen." I have to believe in myself to make it happen, and I do believe that I will.

Once Upon A Time

I had therapy yesterday and it was intense. I had a bit of a panic attack on the way there. I was driving, and for some reason I was really scared that someone was going to hit me. I think that I was anxious about my session, and by the time I arrived I was shaking. My therapist took one look at me when I walked in and I almost burst into tears. She immediately grabbed my hands, reminding me that I was safe. As soon as I was able to get my breath back and had calmed down, I was actually able to talk to her. I wanted to tell her about the rape, and something that I was feeling at the time. I could hardly get the words out, and the compassion in her eyes felt like something that I didn't deserve. I had to look away, the words spilling out suddenly. She explained that perpetrators will tell their victims that they liked it, and the victim, especially a child, is so confused that they believe. "It was an act of violence, and you were hurt and afraid." "You didn't like it," she said. I covered my face, my eyes stinging, but still the tears would not come. I ache inside. I ache for me. I ache for the child that I was. Sometimes I forget that I was a child. The memories are so close to the surface, and it feels like now. It is not now. It was a long time ago, but I have to remind myself. It was a long time ago.

Escape

I'm sad today, and like yesterday, everything feels like a great effort. I did go to yoga in the afternoon yesterday, but after I came home, I slept curled up in a fetal position, only coming up to eat dinner, in a daze, and ravenous with hunger. My husband woke me up to go to bed where I immediately fell back to sleep, mometarily waking all of a sudden feeling afraid before I would drift off again to escape. I have been off of my medication for about a week.Every once in awhile I feel like I'm better and don't need it. I also worry about the cost because we are tight on money with the boys going back to school. I'm back on, and I know that I will feel better soon. I have therapy today. I have something I want to tell her...something that I feel ashamed about concerning the rape. I want to write it here...to explain, but I just can't make myself. I really don't know if I will be brave enough to tell her, but the need to is there. I want to be over it, and maybe one day it will only be a sad memory that doesn't knock me off balance everyday of my life.

You Don't Know

You don't know it,

but I greet you everyday

Wherever you are

is where I reside

I try to slip

between your thoughts

a whisper, a soft inhalation

as you wake and rise

Each breath you take

is also mine

Angela Minard 2011©

The Spaces Between

In the space between yes and no, there's a lifetime.

"I don’t know what they are called, the spaces between seconds– but I think of you always in those intervals."

— Salvador Plascencia (The People of Paper)

Jenny Jeans

Yesterday I received these amazing jeans in the mail from the beautiful and gifted Jenny Sawle. I've been so very blessed with her friendship. When I first began reading her blog years ago, I was dumbfounded and awed by her strength and courage. There were days when I didn't think that I could take another step, and then I would read one of her posts, and she would inspire me to go on. We walk this journey together, and I'm honored to know her. I love you, Jenny! 

A Place I Cannot Go

I try to match our breath, my knees nestled behind yours

Hands feeling small and cold against the warmth of your back

You seem restless, legs twitching,

as my fingers move in small circles along your spine

I want to be the calm, quiet place inside of you

while in the darkness we lie together

Lucid dreaming as the dawn paints the sky

I rise alone, leaving you to sleep

a shadow of quiet resting

in a place I cannot go

Angela Minard 2011©