Saturday, August 20, 2011

The Big Picture

“Many survivors struggle with anxiety attacks. Anxiety is what you experience when you’re overwhelmed by your emotions, your memories, or when something in your environment reminds you of old feelings of terror or of being trapped. You may actually be reliving what you experienced as a child or you may be trying to push feelings and memories away.” Courage to Heal Workbook by Laura Davis

Saturdays are a wondrous, glorious thing, especially after a long first week back at work. I've been struggling a bit here, doing great a bit there, so all around, when I look at the big picture, I'm really okay. My anxiety level has been high, partly due to an aggressive student, and partly because I have a new fear about driving. I've always tended to have panic attacks in the car because it makes me feel trapped and out of control. I've been afraid that other people are going to hit me, or I'm going to swerve into oncoming traffic. I think a lot of it is because at work, there is the constant fear that I'm going to be hit or have things thrown at me. My adrenaline is pumping as soon as I get up in the morning. The other thing that is making me crazy is that I feel hungry all of the time. From the time that I get up until I collapse at the end of the day, I feel like I'm in constant motion. I'm exerting a lot of energy at work, I eat a protein bar on the way to my second school, and then I go straight to yoga. I need more food in my day, and I'm scared to add it, but to function, I have to. I saw my nutritionist on Thursday. We talked about how great it is that I'm feeling the hunger instead of ignoring it. Actually, she said it is awesome, but it doesn't feel awesome at all. It is scary! I'm afraid that I will become a bottomless pit, greedy and starving all of the time. I've decided that I will pack more snacks in my purse. I don't really have much time to sit down and eat them, but I will just try to fit them in when I can, which means that I may have to eat in front of other people. My nutritionist rarely weighs me anymore, but this time she had me get on the scale. I never ask the number, but only if I've gained or lost. She said I had lost, and really stressed that I need to increase my intake due to my activity level. I'm going to do it because the constant hunger is a horrible feeling. It makes me wonder how I ever did this, and of course part of me thinks that I'm just not as good at being anorexic as I used to be. Last night I ate most of a hamburger that my husband had grilled, and it was actually a relief to have the hunger gone. I've come a long way from not even recognizing when I was hungry. It is one more step in the right direction.


Ann said...

Hi Angela, sorry I haven't been commenting here lately. I've been reading but just don't have the time to comment like I used to so I've cut way back on it.
The one thing that jumped right out at me was your statement "I'm just not as good at being anorexic as I used to be". All I can say is WAY TO GO!!!!!

Eve said...

I know that it is hard, but you truly are doing a wonderful job. You work is appreciated and noticed! Thank you for the example that you are setting. I love you!

Ruth said...

"Not good at being anorexic" is a very good thing! It sounds like you're improving a lot.