Thursday, August 11, 2011

Once Upon A Time

I had therapy yesterday and it was intense. I had a bit of a panic attack on the way there. I was driving, and for some reason I was really scared that someone was going to hit me. I think that I was anxious about my session, and by the time I arrived I was shaking. My therapist took one look at me when I walked in and I almost burst into tears. She immediately grabbed my hands, reminding me that I was safe. As soon as I was able to get my breath back and had calmed down, I was actually able to talk to her. I wanted to tell her about the rape, and something that I was feeling at the time. I could hardly get the words out, and the compassion in her eyes felt like something that I didn't deserve. I had to look away, the words spilling out suddenly. She explained that perpetrators will tell their victims that they liked it, and the victim, especially a child, is so confused that they believe. "It was an act of violence, and you were hurt and afraid." "You didn't like it," she said. I covered my face, my eyes stinging, but still the tears would not come. I ache inside. I ache for me. I ache for the child that I was. Sometimes I forget that I was a child. The memories are so close to the surface, and it feels like now. It is not now. It was a long time ago, but I have to remind myself. It was a long time ago.


trashtest said...

This is very painful to read, but I am glad you have a therapist who reminds you that you are safe now and that, as children, we had a lot less power and control then we thought we did. I am so sorry that the child you was hurt in that way.

I hope you have a good day, and stay safe on the road, and otherwise.

Sia Jane said...

It was in the past, but it clearly still haunts your present.
Be patient with yourself, and maybe allow that inner child to come out.
Maybe you can care for her in ways she wasn't as a child <3 xoxo

Eve said...

I am sorry for what you are feeling. I am going to pray that you can let it out and begin to heal from this.
I know it is hard but you are super loved and I am thinking of you.

Heather Jerdee said...

Angela I get very violent worries (like someone wanting to hit you) like that too, out of no where when I am driving or at other times. I am glad your therapist took good care of you. And we are safe now I have remind myself too.

Rabbin des Bois said...

This, is my art :)