Here and Now

I'm tired of the before and after diet ads all over the internet and television. I'm tired of the broken record in my head that continues to tell me that I need to lose weight. I've really been struggling since Thanksgiving. I restricted all that day so that I could eat a normal amount of food for dinner in front of everyone, and even now, I'm continuing to restrict. My sister-in law sent me some pictures that she took, and all that I can see in the photographs is how f** I look. I'm so bored with my whining self. Why do I focus so much on my exterior when I know that it doesn't truly matter. When does the obsession end? Even my mom has joined Weight Watchers, and everyone I work with is on a diet, and it is all that they can talk about. I don't even know where this post is going. I'm just frustrated and need a place to vent, so if you have read this far, then thanks for listening:) I've just hit a bump in the road, but I'm sure that I will figu...

A Quiet Prayer I sit in silence. Alone with thoughts of gratitude and love for all that I have been given. Angela Minard 2008©

I'm awake early this morning, so I thought that I would get a little blogging in before I start the day. I don't have much planned besides some cleaning and baking. I'm going over to my mother-in-laws to bake pies this morning. Tomorrow we will be going over to my brother and sister-in-laws house for Thanksgiving, and all that I'm in charge of is the bread, so I don't really have that much to do. I'm definitely going to enjoy the rest of this week off from work. Emery the rat is here for a holiday visit, and she is as cute as ever! I'm not sure what all I'm going to be doing with my time off, but I would like to write some poetry, and work on my knitting. I just finished a fun and festive red scarf. I've never knitted a hat, so that is what I'm going to try next. My son Roman wants a hat to match the scarf that I knitted for him last year. Well, that is all I have to write for now, but I'm sure that I will be back later. Wishing everyone a wo...

( Wow, I cannot believe that this is my 400th post! I'm just a writing fool:) I'm so glad that this is a short work week. I need it after last Thursdays run in with an aggressive student that I work with. He kicked me really hard in the thigh a few times, and then he knocked my legs out from under me, and I fell and hurt my back. I'm still very sore, but I managed to walk on the treadmill when I came home from work today. I'm determined to do whatever I can to overcome this depression and anxiety that I've been feeling, and the walking does seem to help. Lately I have had this strange homesick feeling in the pit of my stomach, as if I'm missing someone or on the verge of losing someone, but I can't put my finger on what or who it is that I'm missing. It is just a vague feeling that I'm far away from home. I feel the need to cling tightly to my husband, and feel somewhat afraid and anxious when I'm away from him. I'm not sure what all of that ...

"Silencing the Inner Critic" Art work by Rita Lyon Since Tuesday's emotional meltdown, I have been focusing more on taking care of my mind and body, and it seems to be helping. I've been walking on the treadmill at the end of the day, and that seems to calm my mind down and relieve some of the stress and anxiety that tends to build up. I had a great therapy session on Wednesday, and I was actually able to touch on some of the anger that I've been feeling. We talked about how I have been to this point before but the anger always scares me so much that I use the eating disorder to cope with those feelings instead of owning them. Without the eating disorder, I feel a great deal of panic, and there have been days that I find myself using it as a life line. I'm still very afraid to let go of it completely, but I'm working hard at confronting all of the feelings that I have avoided for so long.

Having a bad day for most people means that bad shit happens to them. Having a bad day for me means nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, anxiety, and crying. The bad shit happened a while ago, and now I'm trying to deal with it in the present, and usually, not very well. That has been my day... I awoke from a rape nightmare, couldn't fall back to sleep, blamed all of those feelings on my weight, restricted all day, had flashbacks, tried to talk to my husband, walked on the treadmill, felt intense anger, cried, and now, here I am. What more is there to say? I'm overwhelmed by all of these feelings, and I have no ideas for what I should do with them. The words that I hear in my head are, I HATE...

It is another grey and gloomy day here in Kansas. I hate the winters here because the sun rarely seems to make an appearance. It is hard not to want to just crawl under the blankets and hibernate until spring comes. I'm going to keep the house warm and cozy by baking some pumpkin bread and chocolate chip cookies for the boys today. Thursday was my youngest son, Roman's twelfth birthday, and on Sunday, my oldest will turn eighteen. Where do the years go? We celebrated by taking them all to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner on Thursday evening. We rarely go out to eat at restaurants because it is so expensive to feed a family of six, so it was a special treat, and we all had a really great time. They are enjoyable kids to be around, and I was proud of them. Christian, the oldest, was flirting with the waitress, which was cute, and I think that she was charmed by all of them. Today will mostly be filled with chores around the house, and then on Sunday, we are going to spend the ...

"Tree of Light" Artwork by Rita Loyd I'm at home for awhile writing some social stories and play scripts for my autism students, but I'm taking a break at the moment because I'm feeling very emotional. My therapist and nutritionist are out of town at the Renfrew Conference in Philadelphia, and it is this same time last year that I called them at the conference to tell them that I wanted to go in-patient. I feel like I have come so far, and not so far, all at the same time, which is a very strange feeling. I guess that there is a part of me that thought the eating disorder would magically disappear by this point, and that is so far from where I really am. It is still such a struggle, and maybe it was wishful thinking to believe it would all be gone by now. That is okay. I'm still up for the fight. This year's anniversary has just really hit me hard and it has taken me by surprise that I'm so emotional about it. Last year I was in treatment during the...

I'm tired of the eating disordered thoughts that constantly run through my mind. I wonder if they will eventually fade away, making room for more productive thinking. That is definitely what I am hoping will happen! I have been eating though, so that is an improvement. I'm not up to eating all of my meal plan yet, but I'm doing most of it. I'm still not great at breakfast or snacks, but I'm consistently eating lunch and dinner. The eating disorder likes to try to talk me out of these meals and it is a constant argument in my head, but I'm winning more often than not. I wish I could say that it feels good to win, but I'm not sure how I feel about it to tell the truth. It has been almost a year since my in-patient treatment at Renfrew , and the decision I made that I truly wanted to recover. I mostly wanted recovery for my family, and that is still true. I want to be able to want it for myself, but I'm not all the way there yet. I still have ambivalence, ...

Lately, the stress of my job has turned me into a "weekends only" blogger. I usually write much more often, but work has been so busy that I haven't had the energy to get on the computer in the evenings. I have been working in a preschool in the afternoons doing assessments on two little guys who were just recently diagnosed with autism. They are so darned cute that I can barely keep from scooping them up into my arms and just loving on them! One of the boys is very high functioning, and is doing very well in the pre-school setting. The other boy has the double whammy of being diagnosed with muscular dystrophy, so he is also dealing with the challenge of that on top of having autism. I was so nervous about my new placement, but I have really enjoyed being around the small kiddos, and the teacher and para's in the classroom have been very welcoming, so I think that I will have a lot of fun there. On Wednesday, I had a good therapy session, and was able to talk through ...

I can't believe that it is already Sunday. The weekends go by way too fast. I think it is just that I need a longer break from work right now. My job is really stressing me out. I love the kids, but unfortunately, I also have to deal with adults, and I feel pulled in too many directions. I'm needed in a pre-school autism class to begin a new program, but I'm also still needed in the high school in the afternoons, so the teacher in that class has been petitioning for me to stay, but so far, it looks like on Monday I'm going to be moving to the pre-school in the afternoons. I feel guilty for leaving, but then again, I have no control over it, so there isn't anything that I can do about it. Working with the little ones will be fun, and also a change of pace from the more aggresive older kids, so I'm sure it will be fine once I get settled in. I know that I'm also nervous about starting in a new school with new people. Change makes me a bit anxious, so I want to...