Here and Now

I feel fat, but my therapist is always telling me that fat is not a feeling. I still don’t comprehend her words. I think that real feelings are foreign to me. I had a bad scare with my nutritionist last night. She received my labs from the hospital, and I knew that my heart was skipping, and blood pressure and potassium low, but she said it was so low and I was so dehydrated that my kidneys could shut down and make my heart stop beating. That was a real wake up call to get my shit together and start eating. Since I've been home, Dave has been making me sit down to eat lunch with him. He also wants me to drink V8 Fusion for breakfast. I was eating dinner most of the time even before the hospital, so that hasn't changed. The first day home, I tried refusing to eat, but Dave came over and sat down next to me, and told me that it really wasn't a choice. He said he was sick of continually going through this, and that he was afraid that I was going to die. I couldn't even get...

Coming Home The manics talk on and on repeating themselves in such an upbeat way Clasping my hands over my ears is what I long for Lying in the bed hour upon hour contemplating the grey sky outside of my window until sleep would gratefully come I could be silent forever All of my words wrapped around in my mind Swirling in endless circles My own voice ringing in my ears, all too aware that there is no escape or at least the peace doesn’t last long enough I’m trying not to want to disappear forever I awaken remembering where I am,who I am, and how I have arrived at this point Coming home is joyfully painful Angela Minard 2010©

I'm not really sure that I'm up to blogging right now, but I'm going to give it a shot. I've been struggling with some severe depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. I dissociated on Wednesday night, and I guess that I went on a drinking binge, which I don't remember at all. My husband took me into the hospital and they admitted me to the psych ward for a five day stay. I've also relapsed with my eating disorder which has me feeling sad, depressed and guilty. I'm so ashamed about the worry that I've caused my family. I want to turn things around. I'm going to go to an outpatient addiction recovery program. It is three times a week for a few weeks. Maybe that will help with the drinking. I know that I need all of the support I can get. I started on a new medication for depression, and hopefully that will help. I'm going to make a huge effort to eat better, so that I can get on the right track. I know that eating more will also help with the de...

Lost At Eight Within seconds only a quick downward gaze eyes return to survey the scene but it's all been changed The sidewalk leads to a different place You never could tell your left from your right so easily lost in every way The numbers don't make much sense and the umbrellas as you walk all look the same You should never look down on a sunny day you think to yourself as your tears splash the pavement Angela Minard 2010©

I'm back at work this week, and although I'm glad to be there, I'm already feeling exhausted. We have a new student in our classroom, and things have felt out of control and unorganized. I'll be ready to see the end of Friday, and even better, to have a long weekend coming up. Part of the problem I know is that I'm not eating well, and it is affecting my energy level and stamina. I'm not eating all day, and then when I get home, I'm so tired that I barely eat. On top of it all, there is always the eating disorder telling me that I need to lose more weight. I know that I need to be arguing with that voice, but I don't seem to have much of a fighting spirit. Yesterday I had my therapy and nutritionist sessions. They were both much needed. In therapy I talked about a family issue that has me upset and worried for a family member. I usually share almost everything here in this blog, but this is something that I don't feel comfortable discussing here. It ...

Why do I let the sick parts of my past take over the present, making me sick in the future? This is when I have the choice to make, and it’s really quite simple. “Go over to the refrigerator or the cupboard, and find something to eat.” I’ve been saying this phrase to myself all afternoon, the light fades, and here I still sit, with an empty stomach and a racing heart. There are days when I just will not do it. I can’t even find it in myself to get angry, and I wish that the indifference would frighten me. I need the anger to recover, and I need to eat to feel. It is a vicious cycle, and the kitchen is only a few footsteps away.

How would you define the word "beautiful"? Beauty is a light that glows from deep within, and radiates outward, spreading warmth, peace, and joy. Those are the things that I feel when I witness true beauty. It is not what you can see with your eyes, but what you experience inside of your soul. Ask me anything

I should be back at work today, but we had a snow day, and another one has already been announced for tomorrow. I’m ready to go back. I had a phone session with my nutritionist last night, and I was telling her that while I’ve been on break, I’ve felt even more eating disordered than usual. I think it’s because when I’m at work, I rarely think about food, or my body image. I don’t have the time. Right now though, that is all there is. I’m stuck in the house because of the weather, and although I can keep myself somewhat busy around here, it’s not the same sort of distraction. I have to work harder to challenge the negative self talk, and there seems to be more of it. I’m proud of myself for challenging it, but I do get weary. I’m still pretty much sticking with my one meal per day, which is dinner so that I can eat with my family, but lately that depends on what I’ve already eaten during the day. When I’m at work, I don’t eat at all. My nutritionist wants me to start trying to eat lun...

I'm still on vacation, and enjoying every lazy minute of it. Today I got out of bed at 10:00, and then found myself napping an hour later! It was a wonderful nap though, and I dreamt of biking through a beautiful forest with my husband. Dreams are funny, aren't they? We haven't been on bikes in years, and my husband's biking days are over since the brain tumor, but the dream was soothing, and now I feel very well rested. I'm also grateful to be alive...to dream. Last January, I was in the darkest depression of my life. I look back, and cannot even tell you about the holidays or what I did during that time. I was in a deep pit, and could not find my way out. The only option I could see at the time was to get out. I only wanted an end to the pain, and I had lost my will to fight anymore. After the suicide attempt, it took months before I could see any glimmers of hope and light. There were many moments of anger that I had failed, and I still have guilt about those fee...