Here and Now

I need to be getting ready for work, but Christian used all of the hot water for his shower, so I'm waiting...and writing. I'm feeling melancholy at the moment because I just read that Polly Williams from the HBO documentary THIN passed away. She was one of the women suffering from anorexia that was featured in the documentary filmed at The Renfrew Center in Florida. It makes me think of all of the wonderful women that I met while I was there, and who among us will die from our eating disorder. I want to go back and hug them all one more time. I want to tell them what Gladys, one of the wise staff members at Renfrew told me as she hugged me goodbye. She said, with her Jamaican accent, "No more of this bullshit, Angie." May you finally rest in peace, Polly.

I'm such a hypocrite! I just finished telling someone that I care about that they shouldn't restrict, when it is exactly what I have been doing! I'm starting to lose the weight that I had gained back, and all that my mind says is more, more, more! This eating disorder rules my life. It is what takes up most of the thoughts in my head, and that is sad and ridiculous. And, I can't seem to stop it. To be honest, most of me does not truly want to recover. I just want everyone to think that I'm recovered while I make elaborate plans on how to starve myself without anyone noticing. Such bullshit.