Here and Now

I refuse to even say the word depressed to myself. I just have the blahs right now. I know why, and I know too, that they will leave if I can only give myself permission to have the feelings instead of trying to talk myself out of them. I had a severe panic attack over the weekend that left me feeling out of control, and I wish that I could have handled things more on my own, without having to need so much help to find my way back. I hate that so often, my automatic reaction to fear is to dissociate. It is frustrating, and I know that I'm being too hard on myself. I just wanted to be able to handle everything while Dave was out of town, and I wasn't quite able to, but it is okay. I'm still doing better, and I hadn't had a dissociative episode in quite awhile. I'm very lucky that I have a great therapist, and wonderful friends to help me, and they were able to pull me out of the darkness. What I hate more than anything is the loss of time and memories. I remember go...

Daddy's Not Here Last night I couldn't help you with your math Tell your teacher you don't understand, I explain. So stupid She will think I'm stupid. No. I'm the one. She will only know that I am stupid. Daddy's not here.

I'm feeling a bit lost with my husband out of town on a golf trip with his college buddies. He left yesterday, and last night I felt so lonely without him in the bed sleeping next to me. Usually he is still sleeping when I'm getting ready for work in the morning, so I try to be quiet, but this morning I could be as loud as I wanted, so I turned up my music, and even sang along, so that was kind of nice. I'm trying to find the bright side of his absence. What else...Let's see...I didn't cook last night. We just ordered pizza, and I let the boys hook up their video games to Dave's big screen T.V., which he never lets them do. Boy, will he be mad when he reads this! Oh well :-D Justice has a football game on Saturday, and Roman plays on Sunday, so that will keep me somewhat busy. I'm going to go to the craft store, and buy some yarn for knitting. I think that I will try to learn how to knit hats, which I haven't tried yet. It would be nice to give scarf and...

Your Issue Profile: 80% Obama, 20% McCain When it comes to the issues, you agree with Obama on almost everything. Surprised? Probably not. You've had your eye on Obama for a while. In fact, you're likely already a strong Obama supporter. You know where your vote is going this November. Should You Vote for Obama or McCain?

A Closer Look Dandelions are the prettiest when you don't look too close, when the wind doesn't gust. Blown to bits from her hollow stem A childs bouquet offered with tears Eye to eye, a pin cushioned head. She's nothing but a whirly gig. Angela Minard 2008©

You Never Know The tearing, burning, stinging pain of salty semen on an opened wound that will never heal with a gentle voice meant to soothe but can never know why tears are cried in the bathtub until the water drowns out the sounds of your own screaming sinking deeper, deeper, deeper but can never know why your lungs are slowly closing fighting each breath and waiting and waiting for it all to be over. Angela Minard©2008

This weekend I did absolutely nothing. What a slug! I woke up Saturday morning with a sore throat, and my allergies are crazy right now. I feel like all I do is whine about how rotten I feel. Sorry about that! I promise that soon I will be so damn healthy. I can't wait! Tomorrow is the dreaded colonoscopy. I hate to say this, but the best thing about it is that I get to fast for 24 hrs. A whole day where I don't have to worry about food, or taking medicine before I eat, or how horrible I'm going to feel after I eat. I'm looking forward to getting through this procedure so that I can be done worrying about it. No matter how much everyone tells me that it is no big deal, it is still causing me quite a bit of stress and anxiety. It is strange, but now that I'm doing everything that I can to treat my body right, it decides to crap out on me. I really didn't realize the damage that I was doing to myself. Now I'm more determined than ever to gain back my health, e...

I dream of my body in it's prior anorexic state, and in the dream, I'm happy, giddy, laughing with joy, and then I awaken to how I feel now, which is worn down, lethargic, and sick. For a moment, I buy into the illusion, but it doesn't take me long to realize that it is only Claudia , trying to sink her claws into my sleeping world because she has lost so much of her hold on me while I'm awake. Anorexia is what has broken down my body and my spirit, and now I'm fighting to gain back not only my health, but my life. There are still so many moments when I think that my life isn't worth saving, and those are the moments when I have to put my loved ones ahead of myself. I may not feel like I am worth fighting for, but I will fight to stay here for them. Always.

I have been too tired to do much of anything besides go to work, and my energy is at an all time low. The new medication that I'm taking causes drowsiness, and taking it 3-4 times a day is wiping me out. I'm feeling very frustrated and impatient. I'm following my meal plan the best that I can, and doing everything that I'm supposed to be doing, so it is disheartening to not be filled with health and energy. I stopped taking the Lexapro, and my team has agreed that with everything that is going on with my body, it is probably not the best anti-depressant for me to be on. So far, I'm feeling okay without it. I'm just going to stay on the Abilify , and see how I do without an anti-depressant. There are just too many negative side effects, and it doesn't seem worth it. I want to be on the least amount of medications possible, while still being able to feel like my mood is stable. I have had a few panic attacks in the past week, but flashbacks and nightmares have...

Today was the first time that I have stepped outside of my house since last Wednesday. Partly because I haven't been feeling well, and partly because everything feels like such a huge effort. I went to work today, and it was good to be back, but I'm really exhausted. The results of the gastric emptying study came back, and I was diagnosed with gastroparesis , which is abnormally slow emptying of the stomach, most likely due to my anorexia. The small intestine sort of forgets how to move food through the digestive tract. I was prescribed a drug called Reglan which stimulates stomach muscle contractions to help emptying. Hopefully this will help me feel better, and get my digestive system working more normally. I would just like to have some energy instead of this lethargic feeling of uselessness. Last night I felt panicked at the idea of having to leave the house this morning, but once I pushed myself out the door, everything was fine. I'm not sure what is causing all of t...

In case you missed it last night.

Every time Sarah Palin opens her perfectly lipsticked mouth, I want to get a tissue and smear it all over her stupid face. The woman frightens me more and more with each passing day. She has obviously never heard the phrase "walk a mile in someone else's shoes." She opposes abortion even in cases of rape and incest, and would like to see Roe v. Wade overturned. Palin also refuses to say whether or not she believes that homosexuality is an orientation or a choice. “I’m not one to judge,” says Palin. I love that! She is so full of crap that it's not even funny.

The Pure Maiden Stolen years believing that the loss alone somehow made me less. Kept clean, untouched. Never again in my little girl head could I be good, be pure, wear white. Mother Mary, full of grace, bow your head, and pray. Now we sell our virginity to pay for graduate school, a fancy car, perhaps a diamond ring. In ignorance, sold like a whore, to the highest bidder so the world can continue to believe that we are nothing. Angela Minard 2008©

I'm home from my gastric emptying study, and feeling very focused and centered at the moment. I ate a small plateful of radioactive scrambled eggs while I was there, and then was x-rayed for 90 minutes while lying prone on an oh-so-comfortable metal exam table. I went into what I think was a meditative semi-awake state, and before I knew it, the back of my hair was an absolute mess! I hope that they figure out what is going on with this body that I'm really working hard at not despising. I see my therapist and nutritionist later this evening. What a fun-filled day! I'm trying to eat as much as my body will comfortably allow, but I get full so quickly, and that feeling of fullness is still very scary. Feelings and emotions... I'm not the only one who runs away. My husband did not want to accept his award this weekend because he was afraid of his emotions. He didn't feel worthy. A man who went through two craniotomies, spinal meningitis, and a deep depression, didn...

An Unsung  Lullaby The bees swarm outside of your window where the crib stands empty Clinging to the dream of you unborn sweetness wrapped inside the silence of sleep tears of sorrowful loss Awakening to find damp cheeks achingly empty arms outstretched in the darkness unborn soul Reaching toward the dream of you until the buzzing fades away Angela Minard 2008©

This morning our family participated in Head For The Cure , which is a 5k walk/run to benefit brain cancer research. This year my husband was chosen to receive a special award, called the "Keeping The Faith" award, which is an award that recognizes those who are fighting the courageous battle against brain tumors. We were all very excited when we found out that he had been chosen. Head For The Cure has been very important to our family. We have participated every year, and every year, it is one more that we will share with Dave, and one more year in which we know that we have won.

It is very hard to ignore the voice of my eating disorder when I'm feeling so physically uncomfortable and bloated. None of my pants fit right now because of this, and with the weather cooling off, it is really upsetting me. I do not want to have to go out and replace my wardrobe. I'm questioning whether or not the Lexapro is what made me gain weight so quickly in the first place, and I'm contemplating tapering off of it. I will be able to call and make my appointment for a colonoscopy on Monday, and I should probably wait and see what the results of that are before I do anything, but I'm feeling so miserable and impatient! I have to stay very near a restroom with all of the MiraLax that I'm having to take, and I'm very frustrated with this whole thing. Even more frustrating, I think, is the fact that I have brought all of this onto myself. If I had known that refeeding and restoring my weight would be so hard for my body to handle, I honestly don't know i...

Make a Difference in the Fight Against Cancer! On Sunday, September 7th, I will be participating in an event called Head for the Cure, a 5K run/walk that raises money for the Chris Anthony Brain Tumor Research Fund and Solace House. The Chris Anthony Brain Tumor Research Fund seeks to improve the outlook for adults and children with brain tumors through research. The Solace House is a center for grieving children and their families. My race to the finish line will be inspired by your generous donations to these worthy charities. Save a Life, Make a Pledge There are approximately 190,000 people diagnosed with a brain tumor in the United States each year and there are more than 120 types of brain tumors, which makes treatment complicated. The proceeds from this event will help fund much needed research into brain tumor causes and treatment. Additionally, it will help improve the quality of life for individuals living with a brain tumor today. Head For The Cure was started in honor of Chr...

Rising Above Internet Radio Show Hosted By: Jenna K. Linch When: Tuesday Sep 16, 2008 at 7:00 PM Where: blogtalkradio.com/jklinch_risingabove Every month Rising Above's Radio Show has an open night for survivors to call in and share their poetry, stories, or ask questions. This month, the open show is on September 16th at 6pm CST, 7pm EST. It's a chance for survivors to be heard and to encourage, motivate, and inspire other survivors out there with their testimonies and stories. Anyone can call in, whether you are a survivor, an advocate, musician, writer, etc. We welcome anyone to call in and share their story. Also on September 30th, there will be a special show for the first issue of Rising Above that is coming out in October. I will be talking about ways to get involved, things to look for in the first issue, how to submit your stories and work, events coming up for Rising Above, etc. This is a chance for people to call in with their questions, comments and feedback about R...

A Quiet Descent In my mind, I hear never enough and too much All in one breath that catches mid sentence Left speechless Meaningless are my words Lost in the stillness of motion Spinning silently out of control Angela Minard 2008©

It is 2:00 a.m., and I know exactly why I'm up pacing the floor, and ultimately finding myself here, blogging. I'm worried and stressed over my impending colonoscopy . At this point, I'm not all that concerned about the results per se , but in the actual procedure itself. My nutritionist informed me of the fact that although you are somewhat sedated, they usually don't totally put you under, but because of my sexual trauma history, I will need to request that I not be awake at all. I don't want to be awake at all!!! For some reason though, I just dread having to tell whoever is scheduling my appointment, that I have a sexual trauma history. I will, but I just hate having to disclose that information over the phone, to a total stranger. Like I don't already do that here, on this blog! Funny, huh? My doctor's office called yesterday, and the results of my blood tests were all normal, but because of my stomach x-rays, they want to do the colonoscopy, and somet...

Here it is, only the first of September, and already my kids are sick with fevers, coughs, and colds. Roman has already missed two days of school, and his first football game. The house is filled with the sounds of coughing and nose blowing, and it has been a very boring holiday weekend. I hope that everyone is feeling better by next weekend, because that is when we do the 5k Head for the Cure run and walk for brain cancer. We have participated every year since Dave was diagnosed, and it is a day for us, as a family, to count our blessings, and be thankful for each other, and the extra time that we have been given. In other news... I've been playing with my new camera phone. It is the first camera phone that I've ever had, so I've been taking pictures, and just figured out how to send them to people. I sent a couple of pictures to my dad, and now I think I've created a monster! All that I will say here, is that he has a twisted and sick sense of humor, and now he will ...