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Saturday, September 6, 2008

All That I Am Is...

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It is very hard to ignore the voice of my eating disorder when I'm feeling so physically uncomfortable and bloated. None of my pants fit right now because of this, and with the weather cooling off, it is really upsetting me. I do not want to have to go out and replace my wardrobe. I'm questioning whether or not the Lexapro is what made me gain weight so quickly in the first place, and I'm contemplating tapering off of it.
I will be able to call and make my appointment for a colonoscopy on Monday, and I should probably wait and see what the results of that are before I do anything, but I'm feeling so miserable and impatient! I have to stay very near a restroom with all of the MiraLax that I'm having to take, and I'm very frustrated with this whole thing.
Even more frustrating, I think, is the fact that I have brought all of this onto myself. If I had known that refeeding and restoring my weight would be so hard for my body to handle, I honestly don't know if I would have chosen this path, and yet, here I am, so I might as well stick it out.
All that I can hear in my head is how disgusting I am, and the urge to self injure was so strong earlier that I had to put a call into my therapist. The fear of the actual colonoscopy procedure has also become very overwhelming, and it doesn't really feel as if anyone truly understands how terrified I am. Although I know that I'm not...
I'm feeling very alone.

4 Comments:

Jennifer said...

Offering my voice of support. What you are doing is difficult, but absolutely doable -- and it's great that you called your therapist.

Lisa said...

Nope - not alone. Colonoscopies are crummy for everyone (I almost wrote "crappy" and reconsidered). I'm glad you called your therapist, I hope it helped. And hang in there.

sydney's mom said...

hey sister-
Not nearly as humiliating as a vag exam or having a baby. You stay covered up the whole time. Concious sedation is standard and you won't remember a thing. It's over in a flash. You can so do this.

Angel said...
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